⁕﹡✶abyss✶﹡⁕

old profile entries:

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update, april 2025: stopped being suicidal right around the start of march bc of meeting a new friend that made me feel understood and not alone on the planet! im hoping this has actually changed me enough to stay not suicidal for the rest of my life. its not just about the friend, but about the possibility that there really are ppl out there who can understand me, and i can find them if i keep taking part in the queer community in real life and meeting lots of people.

previous updates under the cut.

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updating this post again since im suicidal again. life is shit. this continues to be my 2010 tumblr nostalgia + despair suffering blog. previous updates to the post under cut. current state (2025) is a lot of suffering but there are some days better and worse than others

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i'm updating this post now (end of september 2024) because i'm no longer suicidal. longer personal post about my updated life situation below the cut.

this blog will continue to exist as my 2010s tumblr nostalgia blog, and as a diary of dealing with this relation and abuse until it either ends or improves, when i have nowhere else to write. but the blog will no longer serve its original purpose of distracting myself from death by trying to feel comfortable with nostalgic things.

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sadly the whole reason i was suffering so much turned out to be that my gf of 4 years, who supposedly loved me just as much as i loved her and we were going to get married, was severely cheating on me while on long-distance, and lying to me and manipulating me. i was suffering very badly for a year because she had started acting strange, but i didn't think the extent of her behaviour went that far. i believed her and thought she's just having a really bad mental health time, which of course is still true, but i didn't think that it was this kind of delusional and unempathetic episode where she suddenly didn't care i exist anymore.

i was about to kill myself both before she admitted to the serial cheating (because i was suffering so much and so alone from her acting a different personality for 6+ months) and after she admitted (because the betrayal hurt me worse than anything else that's ever happened in my life, and that's something, because my life has been really, really horrible).

but, i got help, and i stayed at a mental ward for some days and was open about what had happened to all docs and nurses. when i felt stable enough to go to my parents' house to stay there, i told my parents what had happened even though i hate them. i also told my siblings (adults). i also told some online friends. it was a huge relief opening up about how abused i have been, even though i hadn't really realised how abused i was throughout the relationship until now.

after that week at the ward, for the first time in my adult life, i experienced some positive feelings inside me while doing things alone with my siblings / online friends and not thinking about my partner. this showed me that i can survive. that i can be happy without her, and without anyone (at least for now).

so ive been suicidal for 7 years, but i'm not really suicidal now. because i found out that i too really can be happy doing things without a partner, but it just takes time and a lot of help to get out of that position where you feel you can't live without them. it was necessary for me to stay at the ward for a while. it was necessary for me to open up about the relationship and abuse to friends and family and have actual support, instead of trying to protect my partner by keeping quiet about it.

i don't know if anyone will ever read this but if you feel like you can't live without your partner even though they hurt you or they're difficult to live with or they outright abuse you, please seek help, do what i did, open up about what's really troubling you in the relationship to someone (a therapist, trusted friends, preferrably both and more). it's not easy to hear "you deserve better" when you feel like that's not the issue - the issue is that you love that person even if you "deserve better". and the love makes you feel you can't handle being without them. but this really heavy aching for them can also pass even if it doesn't feel like it can right now. even if you feel your souls are tied together. i promise it can change. you just really, really need to stop protecting them and open up about it, and get yourself help and support, try to enjoy things just for yourself with other people than your partner, and then take it from there.

i'm leaving my original intro below so you can see the contrast.

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im a wreck on my last chance before giving up. i have been suicidal for years and if it doesn't get better soon i can't handle this anymore.

i dont give a shit if anyone follows or not, but if you do i want you to be aware im anti capitalism, im against all rich people including your fave celebrities and brands (they could be saving lives and the planet but they arent), im queer, im disabled and broke, im against sexism, queerphobia, racism, ableism, colonialism, classism, fatphobia. the governments and the rich ppl with their companies have fucked over our planet and all the rest of us and i despise them.

when i post disney and similar shit im trying to comfort myself with feelings from back when i still felt hope and aspirations and motivation to stay alive which i no longer have. its not out of supporting companies or being blind to issues. im just a sad human trying to survive and dont know how. if you know how then tell me.