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Your mother is the only one who understands me

the phrases "holy shit two cakes," "fuck it we ball," and "perfect is the enemy of good" bounce around in my cavernous skull like ping pong pachinko. occasionally one of them will land on a big red button labeled "write" and that is when 1000 words emerge from me and splooge all over my document

Her just pouring the puree straight over the duck's head because she knows there's no getting that duck out of the cup is killing me

just felt you with my feelers. Not interested. DO NOT LAY EGGS IN OR NEAR ME.

*polishes my sword*

DO NOT JERK OFF NEAR MY NEST.

just found 3 bolts and a snail shell on da groun

YOU HAD SOURCES?!???????

body positivity can be so hard when ur chronically ill like ‘your body loves you and is doing its best to care for you ❤️’ NO THE FUCK IT IS NOT

got my first ever official customer complaint because when i was going over the terms of their life insurance they were like "well i don't plan to die" and i was like "well you're going to"