@tomoge : ❛ whatever it is that you’re planning to ask , the answer is ‘ no ’ . ❜ no ql you canNOT distance yourself from cxs or he will literlally fucking snap
Cheng Xiaoshi makes you want to protect him.
She said that, once, to Xu Shanshan. Cheng Xiaoshi is strong, in heart and body, and yet she’s never wanted to do anything but keep him safe. It’s why she befriended him when they were young, even though their closeness lost her other friends, fleeing her like she was poison — or like he was, and even association was enough to spread it. But even then, she’d known that it didn’t matter, that Cheng Xiaoshi was worth protecting. He’s good, in the purest sense of the word. And he needed Qiao Ling, like she needed him.
They’ve —— always been that way. Essential to one another, halves of a whole, close, close, close. Holding each other’s hearts, and ———
I want to protect Cheng Xiaoshi, she’d thought, so much younger, when he’d been alone. I want to protect Cheng Xiaoshi.
( she wakes from a dream / head heavy and heart hammering / her hands are covered in blood / whose blood / he’s losing blood, someone says / her head turns —— / she screams ——— )
I want to protect Cheng Xiaoshi, but she hasn’t. She stole his friend — their friend — from him, guts twisting around a knife, the memories are only half - there but it’s enough to wake her screaming most nights — and he ——
( he has the knife in his hands but she knows it wasn’t him / he says it’s going to be all right / and she understands, suddenly, that he’s going to take the fall for her, that he’s going to protect her. )
She’s a victim, yes, of course, she’s never wanted to hurt anyone, not Doudou ( but she did ) and not hurt Lu Guang ( but she didn’t! ), but —— but it was her hands with the blood on them and her smile at Cheng Xiaoshi as the monster puppeteering her body tried to kill him, too, and it was her face that Lu Guang saw as he died / or didn’t, too close for the distinction to count. Because she couldn’t resist, because she doesn’t know how to stop it from happening again, because she’s always wanted to protect Cheng Xiaoshi and instead she’s the reason that Cheng Xiaoshi’s best friend — that’s not her anymore, it can’t possibly be her anymore — almost died and she’s the reason that Cheng Xiaoshi was detained and she’s the reason that ———
He says, “whatever it is that you’re planning to ask, the answer is ‘no,’” and tears fall down her ashen cheeks when she blinks.
His eyes go wide and he’s taking her wrists and then her hands, squeezing like they used to when they were kids, then pulling her into his chest. Her hands settle against the same and she tries to push away, she shouldn’t be here, but he holds tighter, close, close, and her sobs get worse, more desperate as he does.
“Stop! Stop...!” Her cry is anguished and she crumples against him, “Let me go! I can’t — I can’t p - protect you like this —— !”
Has she ever protected him? Years his only confidant pale in comparison to this simple fact : she nearly killed Lu Guang and it could happen again and she knows, she knows, she knows that Cheng Xiaoshi would not be able to kill her if that was what he had to do to defend himself. She knows that Cheng Xiaoshi is too good to kill her even if that was the only choice.
( she wakes from a dream / head heavy and heart hammering / her hands are covered in blood / whose blood? )
“I c - can’t keep you safe —— ! I can’t do anything for y - you!” He holds her tighter / tucks her close / his lips press to the crown of her head and that hurts, too, almost - worse. She thinks she’s coming apart / that she’s made of too - thin glass / or worse. “I don’t want to hurt you more ——” Her voice breaks and she follows. “Please...”