gods divine light

I crave so deeply romance, a connection thats deep inside my soul, and every day i go without it, it’s causing me physical pain. Being autistic makes me feel out of touch with everyone and I just want that ONE person who will understand exactly what i’m thinking and saying and I won’t have to explain anything to. He would just get me on a fundamental level. I search for this constantly to the point where if the person doesn’t match this heavily dramatized and idealized person in my head I will discount them and forget about them entirely. I know that this guy in my head purely exists in my head and humans are complex creatures but I just want to yearn for something much bigger than myself, than the brain I just have for no reason. I don’t ask for this. I want that dramatized, mutual obsession, i want to think about them everyday for the rest of my life because that’s how much this person means to me.

If I kept trying the have the love my life open up to me for so long and when he finally does he tells me “do you swing from your neck with the hope someone cares?” I too would think he hated me and never liked me from the get-go. I would rip my hair out and leap from the tallest rooftop with the knowledge that I haven’t been helping him in the way he actually needs me to, and I’ve been making things worse.

You’ll go fight a war, i’ll go missing.. BRO IM SICK. Willoughby’s dead ain’t he…. They tried to escape the generational trauma but they’ve both succumbed to it. I’m gonna need to take a couple business days to process wtf I just listened to.