Outfits Can Kill

oh hell yeah. look at this oversized fuckin white pocket t-shirt and swoopy hair. this is such a Casual 90s Teen Look. those pants are high-waisted buddy! and that shirt is tucked in loose. he actually looks like a gregarious, popular, cocky teen boy. rather than some... creep... guy (pictured below).

why your forearms so beefy, Popeye

okay anyway, check it out! it’s my boy Hal!

aside from his face and skin color,* he looks almost exactly the same. his shirt is just as boring and doesn’t fit him but it’s somehow not as glaringly obvious. i think it’s because the V isn’t so deep. his hair is a little less nerdy, but also more helmet-like, so..... i don’t actually know what to think about that. it balances out.

they REALLY missed out an opportunity but not having him do the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ thing in this game. lighten up, Hal!!! live a little!!

next up: THE HULK!

i guess he’s way more..... douchey looking in the original. plus his outfit is kinda dull and his jersey just looks like a t-shirt. not as beautifully textured as the remake....

actual improvement here. just my imo. Hector’s probably the only one that looked a lot worse in the original.* plus let’s check out the footwear sitch...

ok... you’re a jock but you’re also wearing...... hiking boots? and your jeans look like business slacks or possibly the bottom of coveralls? are going to your job as a diesel mechanic after this or what?

cool screenshot !!!!! lmao anyway, again, i dont know why they put so much into this character for SCK2 and just half-assed the rest! i really want an explanation for that.

oh fuck look who it is!!!!!!!

it’s fuckin Connie!!!!!!!!

now this is a LOOK!! this is a NINETIES LOOK!!! those high-waisted black jeans? those boots? that tucked in collared shirt? it’s REAL. she even pulls off the hair in this one!! the pendant is a little out of place, but it’s there for a specific reason so it doesn’t count.

she looks so great here, like, i am seriously a fan!! especially because of THIS:

what the hell happened?? she’s wearing almost the exact same thing in SCK2, so how did it become so hideous (eaving aside the issue of her Gotdamn Face)?

first of all, the cut/texture of her clothes are awkward. they’re too smooth, and ill-fitting. then her horribly textured hair, and what they did to her shirt—hot pink (with purple buttons, whyyyy) was not a good replacement for fuchsia. and here’s where it majorly went wrong: no high-waisted black pants. what hte FUCK. without that element this is just what a secretary would wear on a “fun” day.

what’s the opposite of a glo-up? because that’s what’s going on here. oh Connie, you didn’t deserve this.....

okay next up we have probably my favorite detail of the game:

this motherfucker!!!! he’s SMOKING. he looks like he just got out of a meeting with some Mob Thugs. this is so hilarious and perfect. i mean... look at him. he’s a Bad Dude. don’t trust him Daryl!! can’t you see... that cigarette in his mouth means trouble.......

finally just gonna throw in some details i found amusing:

god DAMN!! High Fashion! Her World! Kim!! this is some good shit!!!

Fresh Looks for Winter! look at this oversized denim jacket and teased hair with blonde highlights. good old “Neopolitan” magazine.

what’s funny to me is they left this in the remastered version. like, everything looks generic and weirdly timeless and then you have these blast-from-the-past magazines in the library.

i’m not gonna make a separate post for awards, because i only have one:

BEST (just in general)

he’s not even in the original SCK but i don’t care. he’s the best.

FINAL SCORE FOR THIS OLD-ASS GAME:

C+ for Connie looks great but everyone else is whatever. the + is for The Nineties. remember those?

anyway, next up is STAY TUNED FOR DANGER, so STAY TUNED for STAY TUNED FOR DANGER!!

AWARDS

these characters, they all worked so hard, to look so... whatever. they deserve awards!

Most Valuable Texturing

Hector “The Hulk” Sanchez

Least Eyebrows

Daryl Gray

Most Unsettling

“Detective” Beech

Most Mysterious

Mitch Dillon (you never actually see him in this version)

Best Side Part

Hal Tanaka

AND FINALLY...

WORST DRESSED

Connie Watson

BEST DRESSED

don’t worry!! i didn’t forget about him!!

this guy has... well, he has A Look. but you know what? he pulls it off! he went for it, he really put himself out there! he even got a FAKE MOUSTACHe... and what the fuck kinda wig is that? sweet headband bro!!!

ATTACK STANCE!! he’s got poise! he’s got STYLE. you know what, if i ever saw this fucker walking down the street, i’d stop and say ..... SHEE-TAH!!! hats off to you my friend!! HATS OFF

Overall Style Score, based on my objective review:

D for Dull and Disappointing

yiiiikes! better hit the books, HeR Interactive... this one’s dragging down your GPA!

well that wraps it up for Secrets Can Kill (Remastered). up next, I’ll look at the original, now lost to time, except for people with really old computers.

....... oh. huh. well, i guess this look isn’t too “out there,” but he’s on the job, so he’s forced to wear a boring branded polo. but wait til you see what THIS kid’s wearing.....

okay, to be fair, this guy is an exchange student and a Total Nerd, so maybe his parents don’t send him enough money to buy cool clothes with, or maybe he just doesn’t know how to be “cool” and “hip,” or maybe he’s too focused on studying to care. i mean, there’s nothing abhorrent about this, it’s just... an ill-fitting V-neck tucked into his jeans... a Great Clips haircut... he’s not winning any style contests.

but let’s take a look at one of his classmates and see what kinda crazy stuff the other kids are getting up to.........

hmm...... well...... yes.

i think you get the point. the point is: these kids are LOSERS!!

it looks like Nancy was forced to investigate a tragic murder in the dorkiest school in America. sadly, we never get to see what the dead kid was wearing. did they kill him for being... too fashionable?

and then we have this dude. i gotta say, i really like this look, just because it works so well with the character. this is exactly how a boring high school jock would dress. or even if it’s not, it looks like it is. you know what i mean? it’s quintessential. he’s wearing a football jersey all the time like it’s nbd. he’s got dumb gelled hair and a smug grin and he’s just standing in the corner near the men’s locker room holding a football. it’s probably glued to his hand, as a symbol of his dominance over the weaker specimens.

acid-washed jeans that aren’t too baggy, but not too tight either (don’t wanna look gay, bro), a pair of Adidas-esque kicks.... the earbuds hanging out of his shirt are a nice detail, too. the dev team put their heart and soul into this design for some reason. look at the texture on his jersey! the folds of his pant legs! the carefully rendered arm veins! the tendons in his beefy neck!

which really gives them no excuse for, uh, THIS:

uGH!!!! AAAAAAAA!!! she looks like an alien trying to pass itself off as a suburban mom!!!! what is this haircut? what is it, Connie? and why is your entire face... like that....???

the pendant thing doesn’t count because it’s a Plot Item, but it doesn’t have to, because her outfit is doing enough terrible work on its own. if you scroll up to the previous pic you’ll see she’s wearing nondescript brown shoes and boot-cut jeans, along with this H I D E O U S bright pink blouse and.... some earrings, i guess. it’s bad! folks, it’s really, really bad.

probably the worst part of the game is having to talk to this girl because she fuckin looks like this. HeR Interactive, i don’t know what y’all were doing because the original version—well, i’ll talk about that in another post. but anyway, Connie, ugh, i’m just... i’m sorry, Connie. really, i am.

then we have THIS fucker. he looks like a goddamn creep, which is what he turns out to be. i mean at first I was gonna be like “wow do all undercover detectives shop at Old Navy ha ha” but then i played the game and realized he’s not even an undercover detective, he’s a sociopath who exploits and murders teenagers. so of course he’d have badly-dyed hair and an ill-fitting striped polo buttoned all the way up and... i don’t know how to describe those glasses. they’re ugly.

here’s the whole ensemble. i’m not sure if his hair is supposed to be ~going grey~ or just a bad dye job. it looks like the latter. it’s gross. thanks.