Today I have to speak out, for the people who havenāt been fortunate enough to do so. Ā I come from a place of privilege to talk to you āmany places of privilege, to be exact. Iām a white, cisgender female. Ā I was brought up in a decent neighborhood and under a dual-income household. While we may have had our struggles, I still had loving parents who fought hard to support my sister and me. Ā I continue to have a supportive family to this day. The one thing I never had support for is my sexuality. Thankfully my family has never turned their back on me entirely, which, to me, i another privilege. I knew from an early age that I liked both boys AND girls, and even that little bit of rejection from them made me feel like a freak. One of my earliest memories of sexuality was when my sister caught me with a magazine that I had dog-eared because there was a photo of a womanās bare breasts. I wonāt mention how young I actually was, but at this very young age I was so drawn to the female form it was undeniable. My sister immediately got angry with me. Ā She told me I wasĀ āgross,ā and threatened to tell our parents. Back then the biggest punishment a sibling could give was to make you theirĀ āslaveā for a week, so I obligedā¦ Funny how nowadays I might do that with someone for fun, but I guess thatās for a therapist to figure out lol. The point is, I had no control over it. Before I even knew what sex was, I was having these feelings, so clearly it came from a place other than just lust.
Many more experiences would only drive home further the idea that I wasĀ ādifferentā in my mind. I had a few girlfriends in my highschool years, all of which I tried desperately to hide from my family, and the slightest act of affection would warrant my mother responding aggressively. I remember going to the store with my arm crooked in my girlfriendās arm and my mother yelling at us BOTH. Another time I was sitting in my girlfriendās lap in our computer room while we looked up funny videos. My mother, once again, physically separated us and saidĀ āWhat is WRONG with you two?? Get it together! Jesus!ā Though, thankfully, she didnāt want to address it enough to make me keep my bedroom door open when myĀ āfriendā stayed the night with me. My mom was strict with me, but she didnāt want to address the fact that I had a girlfriend. Ā She had pretty intense denial, which was GREAT for usā¦ For a time. The worst/most painful experience I had was when my girlfriendās parents found a note I had given her in school (remember writing notes?? yeah, my school had a pretty extreme ban on cell phones) They were so disgusted that when I answered a call from her house, like I always did, I was met with both of her parents screaming and cursing at me from the other end. I could hear my girlfriend of over a year crying, begging them to leave me alone, and apologizing, telling them it wasnāt our fault. It was so hateful and I cried so much that my mom noticed and picked up on the other line (land lines! ha!) and immediately wanted to know what the hell their problem was. I was happy she was ready to defend me, but saddened she only did it because she thought I had a boyfriend. She didnāt believe them, I was too scared toĀ āoutā myself to her, and the phone call eventually ended. Ā It all endedā¦ Because they took her away from me. I wasnāt able to speak to her again. Ā She wasnāt online anymore, they disconnected all of their phone lines, and they moved her to a school in a neighboring county. Ā I had no way to know what happened to her ever again. I cried for weeks, not understanding how people could hate so much. Ā I put up pride flags in my rooms, buttons and pins on my clothes and bookbags, and even though my mother and sister would object to it, I would continue my silent, cowardly protest.Ā
I remember my sister telling me, repeatedly, that this was just aĀ āphaseā and I would get over it. She had a friend who wasĀ āthat wayā and SHE got over it, so I was supposed to do the same thing. My sister would come to be so angry with me about it that she yelled at me and told me I was aĀ āwaste of space,ā and that I wasĀ āhurtingā our mother. Ā Maybe I was hurting her, I donāt know, but I couldnāt changeā¦ I had already tried. I missed my girlfriend, I never got to say goodbye, and I wasnāt able to change who I loved. I eventually had one more girlfriend that ended in heartache as well. Ā Her parents moved back to Nebraska after we were together for 10 months. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Ā Once again, I was unable to tell my mom why I was so depressed. I could come to her with any sort of issue, but not this one. It could never be discussed. Same with my sister. Ā I wouldnāt call the two of them homophobic, but they definitely had zero interest in understanding what I was going through. My mother had always said she never wanted any of her children to be gay or bisexual because she didnāt want them to have aĀ āhard life,ā not knowing SHE was part of the problem. Ā Itās an age-old excuse a lot of parents have, but it comes from a place of love sometimesā¦ To her credit, her mind has been changed a LOT over the years and sheās not the same woman she used to be in this respect. It wasnāt that long ago, but it still wasnāt asĀ ānormalā as it is nowadays.
Thatās why I think itās so important to present the LGBTQA lifetsyle in any way possible āso more kids can grow up without being afraid of losing the approval of the people they love the most. If I were a teenager now, I donāt think my familyās reaction would have been quite the same. Maybe I would have been braver, maybe my girlfriendās parents would have let her stay. I donāt know, but I do believe it would have been an easier topic of conversation. So please, share your story. Share photos, share other peopleās stories, do whatever you have to do to show the world WE ARE NORMAL. We arenāt aĀ āphase,ā we arenāt going away, we wonāt be scared anymore. I tried for years to make it go away, not knowing what I was feeling, but now I know that itās just who I am. Ā I love both women AND men, and I donāt HAVE to choose. My heart aches for all of the victims in Orlando āthe families, friends, and victims themselvesā because our society still hasnāt entirely accepted something as simple as SEXUALITY. The more I see in the media, the more my heart breaks. Ā My heart breaks for friends of mine who have friends who were there and now feel unsafe, angry, saddened. For my sister-in-law who for 8 years has been harassed, threatened, and even CHASED for theĀ ācrimeā of holding her girlfriendās hand in public. My heart breaks for anyone who feels a connection to this heinous crime, regardless of their sexuality. We are all human, we can all accept that the Orlando shooting was/is an atrocity toward humankind. We may have made progress over the years, but itās important that we continue this progress. Ā Though we may be labeled asĀ ātoo PCā orĀ āsocial justice warriors,ā we need to continue the fight without fear. We also need to protect ourselves, but that shouldnāt mean being closeted all our lives. Thereās so much more to be done it almost seems like thereās nowhere to even begin, but it begins with a story. Ā It begins with being public, it begins with being who you are. Ā Donāt let one more person be bigoted in your presence, donāt contribute to people who arenāt supportive of the LGBTQA community, donāt hide your love from the world. Ā The more we come out, the moreĀ ānormalā we appear to the world and the next generation. Iām lucky. Ā I know I am. Ā being a white, cisgender female who just happens to be bisexual, I feel far luckier than my LGTQA counterparts, but I donāt feel any less a part of their community. Iām not going to hide anymore, and I ask you to join me. Ā Share your story and Iāll share it too. Ā No more silence, join the conversation. Ā I love you guys and I hope you understand why I felt the need to jump on my soapbox, once again. Ā Love is love. Ā Period.
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