Pairing: Calum Hood x GN!Reader
Summary: I donât really know how to put this in words
Warnings: cuss words, self-harm, blood, major heartbreak & angst.
the ringing in my ears wouldnât stop as I lay face first into my pillow, my mascara had already smudged as I cried harder than I ever have before. He left; Calum left again. The stress of his touring had caused both of us to become stressed and things began getting too much and too out of hand.
The words we both had said were unforgivable but what hurts the most is that no matter what he says to me I still love him and will always welcome him into my arms like nothing happened. Youâd class our relationship as toxic and nothing the romanticised version of it; the toxicity was mentally and physically draining.
I sat up trying to get my breathing back to normal, his words replaying over and over again and thatâs when I remembered the cut on my cheek from the broken glass he had thrown at the wall barely missing me. Maybe everyone would be happier and better off if I was dead; thatâs what he told me, he also said everyone would be better if they didnât have to deal with my âbullshit.â
The hateful glare in his eyes and tone of voice told me he really meant what he said and it wasnât just words of pure anger. Maybe it would be easier and better if I wasnât here; maybe heâs right. Everyone would be happier if Iâm not here. Opening the little box that was hiding at the back of our shared wardrobe the tiny razor lay untouched in my hand.
One cut- âno one loves youâ
Two cut- âitâll be better if youâre not hereâ
Three cut- âjust kill yourself Y/N, nobody would careâ
four- âyouâre worthlessâ
I watched the blood drip onto the floor as I slide the metal across my right wrist, my brain and hands wouldnât let me stop until I felt lightheaded, hoping this was it, everyone was going to get what they wanted.
Silence filled the room as my crying died down until the door opened, Calumâs eyes widened as he looked down and my horrendous state, the muttering of ânoâsâ that left his lips as he grabbed a towel from the bathroom to wrap around my wrist to slow the blood.
âHey, baby listen to meâ he spoke softly tapping my cheek to keep me conscious, I tried pushing him off as I kept falling in and out of consciousness. âIâm so sorry-â that was all I heard before blacking out.
When I woke up again I was laying in a hospital bed, Calum by my side holding my hand. I slowly moved in the bed causing him to wake up; jumping up out of the chair he pulled me into his arms.
âHow could you do this-â I cried into his shoulder. âWhy do I keep letting you hurt me like this! I shouldnât have to deal with this but I love youâ
âYou shouldnâtâ be mumbled kissing the top of my head. âYou shouldnât put up with this, words canât begin to explain how sorry I amâ
âyou shouldâve just let me dieâ I sobbed wiping my eyes. âYou donât love meâ hurt was evident in his eyes but he avoided all eye contact.
âI-Iâm gonna go, Iâll get one of the boys to give you a lift..I really fucking tired to be a good boyfriend Iâm really trying but itâs best if I just goâ he spoke softly. I nodded as he began walking away. Maybe this time he wonât come back, this time I donât want him to.
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