cosmic plead

būt tālu projām nozīmē zaudēt momentāli. bet graduāli.

ak, kā tu man pietrūksti. es zinu, kad laiks sit asi. es neko vairāk nesaprotu. mana dzīve ir kļuvusi.... pelēka. bet ne ļoti. tikai nedaudz. man skumīgi ir, kad domāju par lietām, ko es vēl darīšu un tu to nekad neuzzināsi. bet tas nekas, opis tev gan jau, ka pateiks. ir grūti. ir tieši tik grūti, ka vārdi nenāk ārā pirms asarām. un es jau īsti tos vārdus vai tās sajūtas nesaprotu. bet es zinu, ka ir sevī tāds tukšums, kas nekad neaizaugs. tu tur vari bāzt visu iekšā, bet nekas tāpat nepaliks.

kādi te negatīvi ne, ne? grūti ir atrast pozitīvo. vēl joprojām. bet tev tagad vismaz nesāp, vai ne? un vari ar savu tēti būt kopā. 

tās karstās asaras nekad nerims. bet es zinu, ka tās ir manas asaras, nevis tavas. manas sāpes, nevis tavas. 

gribas Levi atkal samīļot un likt smieties. un gribas tevī radīt patiesas emocijas, kas ļautu tev atplaukt vēl pēdējo reizi.

two days ago someone who had a huge impact in my life was outed as a predator, sex offender, and an abuser.

someone who was leading me on for a very long time. someone who was manipulating with my emotions and logic constantly when we interacted. It took me more than a year to get myself out of that mindset and promises. It took me a lot of pain, tears, conversations with friends, self-doubts, self-hate, and general confusion to get through with it. I had met him only a couple of times, never letting him come too close to me. And it was already difficult. I cannot imagine the pain he inflicted onto his other victims; my heart goes out to you. You are incredibly courageous and strong, I love you all. I wish it didn't happen but it did. I am so sorry.

This again proves that even the most feminist and 'woke' people could be reckless manipulators. Those who pretend to care about the vulnerable and hold them captive once they know their weakness are the most disgusting.

I am still numb with anger and in disbelief with his actions. But I believe you. I am sending you my love. 

If there's a way to help, let me know. I wish I could pull up the receipts but unfortunately he has deleted instagram. I believe that was the main source of people he interacted in this way.

I am watching closely to see how this will turn out. I don't know Irish laws, I don't know how my input as an immigrant in Scotland would help but I am here, with all of you.

x 

trīcu kā apša lapa un saku ardievas.

it is good, the today. I am still quite sad and misguided. but I have good people around me. good pals that contradict and challenge me. good ideas that I rage at when I cannot import them from my mind to the world. but it is all good.

I've possibly met an angel. a strange one. he is so beautiful and warm. I have never met any man who makes me as calm as he does. but he also makes me laugh so hard that I simply forget to breathe.

I do not know why I am worthy of his precious presence. Time with him is sacred. I am not sure when it will end so I will keep on appreciating every little bit of him. I will not shy away from my feelings either. It is fluid. and free.

there is nothing like sorting out your thoughts.