Heyhowareyou

I want to be free. But I don't know how.

I'm realizing that I think I am going to live my entire life without ever crawling out from under this.

I have to do a lot of work on my appearance and presentation. I have to put on the disguise of an attractive, interesting, cool person. But it's just a disguise. It isn't real. If anyone sees a crack in it, I'm humiliated. Because what's underneath is neither attractive nor interesting nor cool. It's all a costume.

If my haircut is stupid, or if I wear the wrong thing, or say the wrong thing, they're gonna find me out. They're gonna know I don't really belong.

I want to be vulnerable, raw, just normal. I don't want to pay attention to how I hold myself, how I speak, what I wear, what my hair looks like. I don't want to stop paying attention to those things because I don't care, like some kind of slob; I just want to feel like I don't have to pay attention and control all of these things so tightly all the time. I am so tired of having this death grip on all these things. I want to enjoy my life and be free and have fun and I don't know how. I want to do things for myself because I like them without putting every single choice through the filter of "what will other people think of this."