Orion’s Bean

Let’s rewind for a minute ....I ran that half marathon with cancer??? Cancer the size of a cantaloupe??? Hell yea I did!!!

Let’s fast forward for a minute...I’m told I still have cancer. That lovely piece of crap came back. I take chemo daily. Although recently I had a pretty invasive procedure called Y90. It’s internal radiation sent directly to the liver through your femoral artery. I made a promise to myself before the procedure. I promised I run again. If I could a half marathon with this huge tumor in me before what was holding me back now? I’ll tell you what has held me back. My mind. The fear of the known not the unknown. Cancer patients can’t run marathons! Yes, they can! Yes I will! And yes I did! So I’ll do it again.

It’s training mode baby. Get your big girl pants on and let’s give it a go.

#mindset #cureyourself #ifyoubuildithewillcome

While pregnant with Fynn I started to have terrible anxiety. My OBGYN put me on the lowest dosage of Zoloft which did help to make me even keel. After I had Fynn I began to suffer from post pardon depression. The Zoloft wasn’t working at all. I had so many fears inside me that I had never felt before. I always suffered from anxiety but this was different. This was a real fear to be alone with my son. The person I loved more than anything in the world yet I had these thoughts which held me back from enjoying the baby I had just given birth to. I was afraid to tell anyone what was going on inside me because I didn’t want to be judged. What if I wasn’t normal? What if people thought I was a bad mom? What if... what if... and why is this happening? Am I crazy? At the time this was all occurring I was living alone and I thought if I moved back in with my parents it would help me with my almost unmanageable fears. This did work for a solid year until I stopped nursing Fynn. My hormones must have taken another turn because not only did I feel very uneasy inside. I also couldn’t focus long enough to know what my thoughts even meant. The post pardon had come back 10xs worse than the first time. I reached out to my doc and they explained I was very normal. They changed my Zoloft to Lexipro and added in an as needed anxiety pill called Buspar. Yet still I was doing nothing to help myself. I was popping pills to take away the pain which then lead to never knowing how to cope and work through my issues without a pill. I had no sex drive and even when I had sex it wasn’t good because Lexipo is known to kill your sex drive. Needless to say my son’s father and I weren’t in the beat of situations. I had become a walking a zombie. I still had so many fears inside of me but this time it was guilt and a constant struggle to feel that I was a good enough mom. My friends would want to hang out and/or my son’s father would ask for a date night and I didn’t want to leave my son. When I did I felt I wasn’t a good mom and had chosen someone else over him. The Lexipro was working to stop the thoughts but it was only bandaid to under lining real issues I was having inside myself.

Fast forward 3 years. I was non stop getting migraines. I was at my lowest weight ever. I was unhappy but okay day to day as long as Fynn was around me. I was constantly tired and couldn’t catch my breathe yet I worked out all the time so doesn’t that mean I was healthy. I was seeing docs on a pretty regular basis because my head wouldn’t stop hurting. They kept telling me it is a sinus infection. Take IBprophen for the pain. Flonase and an allergy pill. They also were giving me steroids to take away the swelling I had all on my face and around my nose. The combination of all that put a nice whole in my stomach (an ulcer) and after months of this routine I wound up passing out at the exit of Target. The ambulance had to come. I was taken to the ER and still nothing was found wrong with me. I was given two bags of blood and went home. The next day I couldn’t breathe again. I called my dad and said something is wrong. He took me to the hospital and while waiting for a room I said “Dad I don’t feel good....” and I went down. The last thing I remember is throwing up and a nurse screaming we need help. I then came to and heard them say, “she’s back.” I was in the hospital in ICU for 5 days. I was given 5 more bags of blood. I got a colonoscopy which showed signs of ulcers. The ulcers are what lead to my loss of blood and passing out. I was able to go home and was told to check in with OBGYN because my period was very irregular. A few days after I left the Hospital I met with my OBGYN. He checked the IUD I had in and said it looks fine to me. Does sex hurt for your partner? I told him no but it hurts for me. He looked up and said do you have time for an internal sonogram. I said yes..... not even 1 minute into the sonogram he found a tumor that was sitting on my ovaries. He pointed it out and said we need to get this out right away. It’s very large. This is why sex hurt you. The tumor was removed 2015. The tumor I found out was not connected to my ovaries. Because of its large size is laid on them but was connected to the outside of my colon. The tumor was called GIST. It was malignant.

I went for two opinions. One at a branch of Roswell and the other CCS Oncology. I stayed with CCS because Roswell told me the treatment they had me on was the right treatment but they would need to up the dose because the likely hood of this GIST coming back was high due to the size of the tumor. CCS never upped my dose. They told me I was clean and that the chemo pill was working. This went on for three years. On the third year they found stops on my liver. I got a biopsy and they told me they were non cancerous. They were wrong. So I went another year having cancer grow inside me and never knowing a thing. I also didn’t know because CCS wasn’t scanning me correctly that there were lesions on my pelvis as well.

I was referred to Roswell after nagging the doctors a lot at CCS and Roswell took me on. It was jaw dropping when I found out the lesions were cancer and they would have known right away. They said you have options. I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying. I was silent. I screamed out, “My Son!!!”

Something happened that day at Roswell. Something more than being told about the cancer. Something amazing. I walked out of there and honestly I don’t remember much. My next memories were you will never give up. You will never stand for this and this piece of shit cancer will never own you. I threw myself into research mode. I read until I’d pass out. I then read more. I researched holistic doctors and how to beat cancer with nutrition. How to beat cancer with how you live your life.

I wanted to share my holistic approach on life with anyone who wants to listen. Cancer is not the only illness or struggle out there. People have depression. People have anxiety. People drink and do drugs to cover the real issues. People have everyday problems they can’t sort out and why? Because unfortunately we live in a world full of judgement, fear, and living the rat race.

My goal is change our way of thinking. Through mindfulness, meditation, herbs, nutrition and so much more.

I do not take any of the medications I was given anymore. The only pharm medication I take is chemo. I still suffer from anxiexiet but I work everyday to keep it in check. The difference between Lexipro and my way is that I get to still feel even when the feelings might hurt. And the difference between then and now is that I have used the tools I wish to share with you to work through any fears, anxiety, and not just get through but enjoy it. Sex is also good again and if that alone doesn’t encourage you to follow me I don’t know what will.