Sometimes I Just Have To Cry Into My Keyboard...

And I'm reading back through all my angsty, love-lorn posts about Don.

He fuckin cheated on me for 2 and a half years of our three year relationship. So 2023 Emily is sitting here, reading all of younger Emily's musings and longings and moments of hope, and I'm just shaking my head, thinking "oh sweetie, oh honey....."

So much has happened since then. I've been dating my now love for 6 years.

And we just recently opened our relationship, and as a result, I've been talking to a new friend/play partner regarding my recent realization that I have a hypnosis kink that I've had complicated feelings about my entire life.

Apparently, Jeremy finally got his shit together and moved out, has an apartment, and a job. And I'm not scared about "losing" Amanda to them, she calls me her best friend, and even brought me up as a possible downside to living with them. Also, despite being mad at me for a bit, I don't think she hates me, according to our last conversation.

I'm completely okay with her living with them. I just told her that I won't be able to hang out at their place, just pick her up and go out and do stuff. At the most I'll say "hello" and leave it at that. Especially since she says that they do a lot of PDA.

She hasn't seen the side of Jeremy that I have. The negative, angry, emotionally abusive, slanderous side of him. And she doesn't understand why his leaving, and the leaving of other harmful cast members, has been amazing for our cast, and now she wants nothing to do with us, not come to our shows, etc.

The cast leader did block her on Facebook, which he had absolutely no reason to, aside from her and Jeremy still being friends. I may not like Jeremy, but that's no reason to block someone who literally has done /nothing/ to the cast aside be friends with this toxic person. He slandered our cast on Facebook. Amanda has not.

Seeing her anger towards our cast, and with how much the cast means to me, I asked if she didn't want to talk to me for a while, and she got mad. I want to be her friend still, so I just stepped down. I'd rather not press an issue than lose a friend.

But at least now I know exactly how it feels to try and tell someone you trust that you, and others were emotionally abused and manipulated by someone, and have them not believe you.

So for those who have, or are going through that now,

He's told me that he misses me sooner than he usually misses his friends.

I really think he's gotten more attached to me ever since we started fucking.

I really hope this works.

So here's the long and short of it.

We fucked for the first time in July. I took his virginity.

He's a quick learner.

We fuck every chance we get.

But we still keep this relationship secret.

And I've come to terms with it.

But he has been a lot more affectionate since we have started having sex.

He told his hairdresser that we weren't dating "yet".

That gives me hope.

I like it a lot.

After almost a year of talking and being close, he tells me about his sex fantasies.

They kind of delve into the weird side.

He asked if I was interested in buying me a Lycra morphsuit of my choice and having sex in it, as kind of a way to lose my identity and become someone else.

The concept is strange, and I told him I'd be interested in trying it out for him, but he really wants me to be into the idea as much as him. I guess for him it's an all-or-nothing thing. I feel really bad, cause it took a lot of coaxing and courage on his part to share his strange side with me, and my hesitation just made him go back in his shell.

I really did want to try it...

I did a little research on the subject though. Most people who wear morphsuits for pleasure seem to be men.

But I saw a video of a couple fucking in something similar with latex bodysuits, and it wasn't all that shocking. I kind of liked it.

And I've even looked around and found some suits that I liked, with wigs and high heels and even a dress, it could be really sexy.

But now that he's gone back in his shell, I can't talk to him about it...

We had a long talk yesterday.

I told him we need to stop making sexual conversation, because our friendship is going down the exact same road as it did with Jeremy, and that really fucked me up. I constantly had my hopes up and ended up getting seriously hurt.

And well, Don doesn't seem to have taken it too well. He was happy finally being able to explore his sexuality with me, but I guess his brain is weird and he can only think those thoughts with someone who has a mutual interest in him, and I cut that off from him. But I don't care, I need this.

But he did offer me a proposition, which has crossed my mind as well:

A summer romance.

A defined time limit.

With Jeremy, there were no defined boundaries, or time limits or anything; everything was gray and hazy to me. Of course, that could have also been me being stoned for the entire summer.

Maybe with this mutual agreement for a set time to have fun, it will be easier to accept when it's over.

I'm going to seriously think about it.

If he doesn't want to see me over spring break, that will make up my decision right then and there.

And if he does, hey,