orenda

My feed is constantly filled with articles on mental health/illness, shared articles from blogs that read “What I Want You to Know About My Anxiety”. I’ve struggled to relate to them every time (which can be isolating)- they air on the side of generic, never really touching on symptoms that are more than a heightened version of what most people associate with anxiety (with panic attacks as the exception of course). 

I have severe, chronic anxiety. A side effect of C-PTSD. I’ve had bouts of depression that I’m still trying to shake. I have symptoms I don’t want to talk about, because I’ve worked so hard to hide them. 

I was in the shower this morning, and I was visualizing a character. The character is standing at the start of a path, which represents their day ahead. The path is seemingly straight and narrow. 

I began to visualize the difficulties that are encountered in the run of a day: a meeting with your boss could be a river that needs crossing (how tumultuous it is depends on the nature of the meeting). An emotionally trying conversation with a friend/parent/loved one could be a small section of steep uphill climb. Your cat puking up a hairball in the seconds before you leave could be a small fence that needs to be climbed or jumped over. You get the idea- suddenly the path isn’t so straightforward. 

Now this character also has anxiety- lets represent it in physical weights. There is a five-pound weight on their back that they’ve been carrying since childhood. They have an extra five because of something that a friend said to them in a fight last week. There is an extra ten because a deadline is looming and they haven’t touched the project. Tack on three pounds for seemingly inexplicable things, just because. 

This path is looking more and more exhausting by the second. Now lets represent depression as a grappling hook (or several) that are tied to the character and dragging behind them. Each one added snags on various things and has to be navigated with care because they are sharp and can cause damage. 

Now lets say on top of this, the character isn’t able-bodied. Or catches a cold/flu. Or is dealing with PMS or a period. 

Lets say another able-bodied character comes along and looks at your path, and laughs at your discouragement. They don’t have anxiety or depression, and they are physically fit. “I could carry 23 pounds NO PROBLEM!”, or “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s only 23 pounds?”, or “*insert generic advice on how to carry weight properly while ignoring other factors*”. Sound familiar? 

I am exhausted, by the end of the day. I realize that there is shame in not having energy to do x, y and z (especially when you work in the outdoor industry). People don’t see the weight- your thoughts and worries and anxiety and depression take up real, tangible space/time/energy. 

Attentive to the parting of your lips and the ache in your eyes