Estelle

You looked like a mess, the harsh weather kept your lips dry and you felt sicker every time you had to walk from one building to another, briefly getting washed out of your thoughts by the gloomy and icy air. You hadn’t stopped by Ellie’s office in a week, she was also busy with seminars and meetings in the faculty department.

The only time you felt alright was when she sent you a selfie of herself, glasses slightly crookedly sitting on her nose and a piece of hair sticking out of her head, looking straight at the camera with half a smile. 

Unfortunately for Ellie you weren’t that type of person. She had to beg you for days to see your face. You just couldn’t get yourself to turn on the camera or look at a mirror, it only added to your burdens. You hadn’t done anything more than shower for yourself in the last two weeks. 

You woke up feeling lighter this morning,  you were giving your final exam along with two assignments and then you could take a break. Although those things didn’t even matter, the real task was to call your parents and tell them you would rather spend your break over here  than dealing with packing up and train rides. 

You actually really enjoyed train rides, you just didn’t want to be away from Ellie. 

She didn’t live too close to the university, about 20 minutes away from it. If you added on traffic maybe 35-ish. 

You just wanted to throw yourself in her arms as soon as possible, watch her work while you read a book and spend the evening enjoying a drink with her. She had a defined taste. 

Your whole body felt fuzzy as you slowly slid out of bed, as if your body had to load into the realm. A small hiss left your lips at the cold water running down your bare skin in the shower.

You have mastered your way of dressing up for winter weather. Cotton thigh high socks underneath thick denim jeans, thin tank tops under long sleeve shirts layered with a sweater and then a coat on top. 

The exam hall was already crowded by the time you came in. You revised as much as you could before one of the professors showed up. 

This may be odd, but you enjoyed the atmosphere of an exam period. Everything quieted down to pencils scraping on paper, you could almost hear the lights. Your attention on the paper blurred everything else like looking through iced glass. You were more present than ever. 

After the supervisor declared the exam was over, you slid your coat on and left. Everyone was left yawning and stretching in their seats. 

Ellie was in a seminar right now, you decided to head to her office to finish up the assignments, get a coffee and call your mother in the meantime. 

Your mother’s voice pulled you away somewhere else, reminding you that hours away from here there were people who shared your blood. Somewhere you never felt belonged to. It wasn’t necessarily a safe place, rather a simple and easy place to be. It lacked the warmth Ellie had on her skin and essence. 

The call of your name brought you back, a dark americano was placed on the counter. It reminded you of Ellie’s eyes when she had looked down at you. The edge of your lips quirked up.

Your strides to Ellie's office were impatient, the cold bit your cheeks and your eyes kept tearing up. The cup of coffee was barely keeping your hands warm.  The door of the office was unlocked, you slipped inside and closed it behind you. You undressed, putting your coat aside before pulling out your laptop to get the assignments finished up. 

An hour passed, you were in a melting position on the chair, one of your assignments was handed in and you were proofreading the other. Your phone vibrated on the coffee desk. 

Ellie: Did you call your parents? I can’t come to the office right now. Ellie: Send me a picture. Ellie: Please.

You huffed, a piece of hair floated up before coming down to rest on your forehead again. 

You: noooo You: i did call my mom You: she whined a bit, she did want me to come home for break but i don’t want to so You: i’d rather stay here lol Ellie: Stay with me, I’ll head back tomorrow. You’ll come with me. Ellie: I want to see your face, I missed you.  You: then come here bcs i’m not sending a picture Ellie: :( 

You giggled before returning back to your laptop, it was getting dark outside already. After you uploaded your last assignment, you rubbed your eyes and stretched on the chair. It was like the weight of the world was lifted off of your shoulders but you still had to pack up a bag for staying with Ellie. 

It was a little nerve racking, You had gotten used to being intimate with Ellie but living with her for two weeks was a whole different story. You never slept next to someone, you felt like you were an untrained pet towards domestic intimacy. You had never gotten a taste of it, you were starving for it. It still carried a slight unsure feeling for you. For once your freedom wasn’t locking yourself away but opening yourself up to someone, to Ellie. Your professor. 

It must’ve been harder for Ellie, you were her student after all. But love didn’t accept logic, you couldn’t shape a feeling with morality. There was no conclusion to arrive, no reason to think at all. 

Your small suit case was open, laying on the floor empty as you sat at the edge of your bed and stared at it. A headache was fogging up your brain, you craved a warm coffee but you wanted to get packing over with. 

There wasn’t much thought needed to be put into what to pick. You owned mostly casual essentials, it was more about the choices of lingerie. You had nice pairs of lacey, nude or white lingerie but you felt too shy to wear them. You imagined Ellie’s hand pushing the underwear to the side. There was no harm in taking them with you, after a drink or two you wouldn’t feel shy about it. Hopefully. 

You woke up to your phone buzzing on your nightstand. Pale blue light coming from the outside illuminated onto your walls. Your phone’s screen lit up with Ellie’s name, it was 9:36. 

You brought the phone to your ear as you laid back down. 

“Morning…” your voice came out raspy from sleep, following up with a small yawn.

“I thought you’d be awake by now, I am coming to pick you up in 20 minutes.” You slid out of bed, going into the bathroom with heavy steps. “Okay I’m getting ready” You murmured. 

You brushed your teeth in the shower as the warm water washed away your sleep, a shiver ran down your spine as your bare feet touched the cold tiles. By the time you were walking out of your dorm and dragging your little suitcase with you, Ellie was in her car in front of the dorm building. 

You immediately smiled as she got out of the car, hurrying into her arms. Ellie chuckled as she kissed your forehead and took your suitcase, you settled on the passenger seat. 

You watched her placing your suitcase in the back from the rear mirror. You had never missed anyone this much. 

Inside of the car was warm, smelling lightly woody from Ellie’s fragrance with a hint of leather from the seats. You felt like continuing your interrupted slumber inside the car. 

Ellie got in the car, carrying some cold and sharp air inside before closing the door. 

“Fucking finally we get a break.”  She muttered as she began to drive. 

“I’m so sleepy, I might snooze here a little bit…” You stared at Ellie’s side profile, her lips twitched into a smile as she checked the side mirror. 

“Take a nap, it might take us an hour to get there. The roads are all blocked.” She placed her hand on your thigh, it felt tingly. You held it in yours as you comfortably laid against the seat and dozed off.

You naturally woke up when you felt the familiar feeling of the car being parked inside Ellie’s garage. It also smelled like fresh and warm bread. She must’ve stopped at a bakery on the way. 

“I was just about to wake you up.” Ellie murmured as she stopped the car. 

“Smells so nice…” You yawned, Ellie handed you the paper bag with the loaf of sourdough, the steam coming from it caressed your cheeks. 

“I figured you haven’t had breakfast, although it’s lunch time.” 

Ellie’s house was tastefully decorated. It reminded you of her office. Antiques, and modern devices blended together. An old pick-up was seated next to the playstation. You wouldn’t think that a professor would have a collection of video games and comics, presented like the first ever copies of world classics, to be just sitting there. The walls were tall, giving space for thoughts. “You’re like lesbian Hannibal Lecter.”

Ellie scoffed, she had two plates out on the kitchen island while she sliced bread.

“Do you like the silence of the lambs?”  She began to spread philadelphia cream cheese on the large piece of bread. “I like Hannibal more…” 

You sat down on the stool beside the island, watching Ellie’s hand as she handled the knife. 

It was clouded and gray outside, the only light source was coming from the fridge and the ventilator. 

You let out a small whistle as she pulled out thinly cut salmon filet. 

“Are you trying to impress me?”  She shrugged as she cleaned the knife with a cloth. 

“Is it working?”  You nodded as you bit into the toast. 

After your brunch, you continued to look around. Ellie had a little camera collection. you picked up the Sony handycam and headed to the bedroom. She was trying to find you a pair of slippers. The second she turned around, you blew up the flash into her face, causing her to flinch. “What the hell are you doing?” She blinked, you tried your best to hold back your laugh.

“I got curious…” You started clicking around to see the photo you just took.

Ellie gently took it from you as she switched to the gallery settings before giving it back to you.

“I have a polaroid camera, I think you would like that one more.” You didn’t have any physical media of Ellie. You hadn’t exactly gotten the chance to go on dates or have time besides the office hours. You fondled the camera before starting to record a video. The footage was slightly scrawny, little colorful lines were twitching around screen. 

Ellie pulled out a polaroid camera, she grabbed a carton box with films inside. 

“I haven’t used this one in so long, it’s not vintage but I use the older models more shockingly.”  You wondered how much more you didn’t know about Ellie. She wasn’t that old but it seemed she had lived more lives than just one. Her brain was like a library itself. 

She pulled the films out of the box and started sliding them inside the camera. 

You placed the camera you were holding on the top of the drawer as it continued recording with the tiny red dot appearing every second like a heart beat.

 “Get on the bed.” Ellie murmured, her voice was soft rather than demanding. 

You climbed up the bed and crawled to the center before sitting. She lifted the camera up to her face, you could only see the smile on her lips. 

Before you could properly pose, the camera flashed like thunder in the room. You whined as Ellie giggled. “I wasn’t ready yet.” 

The polaroid slowly slid out, Ellie took it and started shaking the card so it developed. 

“This is going in my wallet.” You shook your head as you tried to reach and take it from her hands. 

“No it’s not.” Ellie took a step back as she chuckled, you looked almost vulnerable, like a deer caught in headlights in the photo. It was beautiful if you asked Ellie. 

She slid the photo in her pocket before getting on the bed with you. Your arms quickly found their way around her neck as you pulled her in for a kiss, your body was digging in the mattress as Ellie pinned you down. Her lips moved against yours until you began to feel dizzy and warm. Ellie’s hands travelled down to the seam of your sweater before tugging it off of you, revealing the long sleeved shirt underneath. “Right, you get cold easily.” She murmured before moving down to your pants. 

“You’re undressing me already?” You had a slight mocking tone. But how could you not? You never had someone desire you like this before. Every touch, every admiring glance at your skin was stealing a beat from your heart. Ellie was surely experienced, if she loved you that must’ve meant something. Now you were left lying on the clean sheets with thigh high socks, undies and your shirt. Ellie took a picture as you watched her looking down at you. You looked like an angel with your hair splayed on the sheets around your head. 

“I am sure you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve taken photos of so far.” She set the camera beside the nightstand before undressing herself. She was wearing a plain tank top beneath her sweater without a bra. Her little nipples were poking through the soft material. Her pants laid next to yours on the floor as she climbed on top of you again. Her knee pushed against your clothed sex, suddenly the room felt way too hot. Her teeth lightly grazed your neck before lightly sucking on your skin. A faint mewl past your lips. She lifted up your shirt to reach more of the skin on your chest only to find out you’re wearing a tank top beneath that as well. She pulled back and scoffed, “You’re like a matryoshka doll.”. 

“But it’s worth it…” you murmured as you slid the tank top off yourself. Your matching white lingerie set with the white thigh high socks was actually quintessential, yet the way Ellie was gazing at you made you feel as if it was your wedding night or something. She grabbed the camera on the nightstand again before standing up on the bed, she bent down and caught your ankles and dragged your body closer to hers, you giggled as she placed your ankles on her hips and took your picture like that. She left the polaroids scattered on the nightstand along with the camera before pulling her attention on you again. 

Her hands were on your bra immediately, caressing the material as she crashed her lips on yours. You locked your legs on her hips as your hands tangled in her hair. You were beginning to feel really fuzzy and needy. She unclasped the bra and threw it somewhere near the pants. 

Her tongue darted up on the smooth skin, sucking on the sensitive peaks. You mewled as your back arched. Ellie pushed you down firmly before focusing on the neglected nipple. 

“More..please.” Usually you preferred begging because Ellie gave in easily. But today she seemed to be taking her time with you. “Patience, we have time…” She whispered against your belly, placing kisses on it. But when she locked eyes with your pleading face, she gave in anyway. Her hand rubbed you through your panties that were already damp. A sigh came from your lips before Ellie peeled them off, a string of your slick was clinging onto your panties. “Wet already?” Ellie was mocking you this time. You weren’t even bothered by the remark. She coated her fingers with your wetness before sliding it into your mouth. You sucked her fingers off obediently, eyes closing as her other hand snaked towards your inner thigh. You lightly bit her fingers as she slipped inside of you, the simulation of the two acts were making you feel drunk. She withdrew both of her hands, and got off the bed. You propped yourself up on your elbows, confused. “What’s wrong?” 

Ellie kneeled down in front of the drawers, picking something you couldn’t see. When she stood up she noticed the other handy cam on the drawers. “This is recording?”

You quietly muttered “I think so, I forgot to turn it off.”

Ellie didn’t touch the camera as she slid on the strap and did some adjusting, you finally caught on. 

“I’ve never… never used that before.” Ellie bit her bottom lip, your flushed face, bare body with only the socks on that squeezed your thighs was driving her insane. “I’ll be gentle sweetheart, get on your knees.”

You did as she told you to, the silicone wasn’t cold like you expected it to be as you touched the tip. “C’mon get it wet for me so it won’t hurt you.” 

Your lips closed against the tip of Ellie’s strap. It wasn’t too big but you still had to force your jaw to open. Ellie’s hand petted your hair without pushing your head, she didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. 

You took the strap a bit deeper, but your eyes began watering so you pulled back. There was a shiny coat of saliva laying on the strap. The slight scratch the sheets were giving to your pussy had kept you lenient so far but you really wanted to feel the strap inside of you now. Instead Ellie’s hands travelled down to your face, caressing your cheeks. “Open your mouth.”

Your lips separated again, her thumb pushed down your bottom lip before spitting inside of your mouth. It felt like you had no choice as you swallowed it. In fact you wanted more. 

“Ellie…” she shushed you with a kiss, You laid back down. Her hands stroked your thighs before lifting them up to position you. A small gasp came from you as you felt the strap slowly slip inside of you. Ellie let you adjust, kissing your cheeks before sliding in a little more. “Does it hurt baby?” You shook your head, locking your legs over her hips again. The stretch was a nice kind of pain. Perhaps sex wouldn’t feel as good if it wasn’t for the pain of the delicious stretch. 

You slowly began grinding, encouraging Ellie to move. It felt so good, your body’s temperature was rising so quickly as Ellie’s hands settled on your hips. The sound of your bodies colliding was embarrassingly loud. Yet you were moaning like a literal whore which made you feel even more embarrassed. Everything was overstimulating, the slight jerkiness of Ellie’s movement added on. Her hand left your hip to slowly crawl up your body before settling on your neck. The tenderness of her grip on your neck made you choke out, you needed her deeper and harsher. “Please more, mommy more please…” You were gasping your words out. Ellie wasn’t quiet either. She was panting and sighing as she admired you beneath her, running out of breath with hair sticking to your face. She pushed them away before leaning down, kissing you hard. 

You felt your body finally give in as you kissed Ellie back, your moan muffled against her lips as you came. Ellie didn’t  completely pull out, instead she laid her head on your chest. She was tired out too. You both stood in that position, you lightly scratched Ellie's hair as she rested against you. You refused to move as Ellie pulled away, She took the polaroid camera and took a picture of you lying on the bed with your messy hair and fucked out impression, you smiled at the camera as it flashed. 

“You look like a nymphomaniac.” she kissed your forehead before putting the camera back and scooping you in her arms. You curled on her side with your cheek mushed against her shoulder. Your eyes were shutting down involuntarily. You wanted to resist but Ellie was making it hard to as she was cuddling you. 

“I think the sony is still recording…” you murmured quietly before dozing off. 

  Now you were sitting in the student’s affairs office, day light skimmed inside the tall walls of the room, with a tang of coffee and wood playing around your senses. You had to make the decision of which classes you’d have to take this semester for extra credits. 

A diagram was drawn in your mind, two circles colliding with each other in the center. One circle is for what you want and the other is what you’re capable of. The collusion felt rather thin.

You didn’t want to be exhausted or crying in the middle of the night in your room. You didn’t want that hostage feeling of helplessness beating down on you. Another circle appeared. “Comfort”. 

     You glanced out the window that looked at the hallway, students who recently came back from visiting their family or vacation still had that decluttered mind and relaxed postures were casually walking around, figuring out their way around the campus according to their new schedules. None of them looked really interesting. Just people, youth, the “tomorrow”. 

You slightly turned your head and your instincts latched onto another person, standing in a different light than others. A woman, her hair like a wild fire underneath the newborn sun. Thin framed glasses sat on her nose bridge efficiently, her stride wasn’t very confident but it was knowing and almost graceful. You couldn’t see much beneath her belt, she walked passed like a breeze and disappeared from your vision. She couldn’t be a student. No one looked like that here. You couldn’t catch a clear look at her face but she didn’t seem that young. Maybe mid thirties, or more. She had the attire of other male professors.

You needed to see her again. 

You turned to the administrator who was waiting for your papers to be filled along with other students. The diagram had faded in your head as you picked up the pen and drew a rushed tick next to the humanity history course and left the office. 

Each year your want to own things subdued for the urge to keep things in your hands. It had become a habit to own less and less. Your wardrobe changed for simpler but higher quality clothes, your walls and desks were less tiring to look at. It remained easier to organize and clean as there wasn’t much to make a mess out of. But now for the first time in the past year or so, you wanted something desperately.

That off-white button up shirt that the woman you saw wearing. Was it really a button up that you wanted? Maybe not. But you wanted a piece of her and this is what you had in hand. You bit your lip and started searching for an organic cotton cream colored button up, to get more specific you needed it to have cream colored buttons as well. It felt stupid, were you really influenced into buying something so basic? It was wearable for sure but if you were to see it in a store somewhere you wouldn’t glance at it twice. Now you felt desperate. 

It was as if the magical wand of logic was tapped onto your forehead when you decided to search up your college’s webpage and look at the faculty and academic staff. 

You were clicking all the blue, underlined names you could see. Often coming across elderly men in suits or women with a rather displeased facial expression. They didn’t have that warm fiery hair, and looked a bit older. 

You scrolled down to the history faculty. There weren’t as many teachers in this department. Only one underlined name was obviously belonging to a woman. 

Your mouse clicked under the pressure of your finger as you tapped on “Ellie Williams”

Your heart rushed like a rearing horse, there she was. Your brain was already clinging onto the details you noticed in her picture.

The green eyes that merely caught the flashing light of the camera, the slit on her eyebrow and most obviously the freckles that were all over her face. She would comfortably sit in the middle of a spectrum between handsome and beautiful. She didn’t have her glasses on in the photo. She was wearing the exact same button up and her hair was probably in the bun that she was wearing today. Was it taken today or something? You had never seen Ellie walking around on campus.

You shamed yourself for addressing her name so casually in your mind. But you felt already pervert-ish for even researching this woman. 

Y. ou scrolled down to see her short-cut biography. Born in 1989, in Texas. Education in Columbia University, history of humanity. 

You would get to see her every week. 

Your mind was silent as you downloaded her picture on your computer.

Weeks were passing and numbers were growing on the calendar. Every wednesday you woke up before your alarm could wake you. She was embedded into your unconscious. 

The more you heard her voice echoing in the lecture hall the more your obsession clawed into your heart. The way her eyes would linger on you for a bit before returning back to the board and tapping on the written words gently, or the tattoo on her forearm making an appearance when she scuffed the sleeves of her button up, it pulled you in more and more. 

You had shown up next to her only once after class, her demeanour was different when you were the only one left in the lecture hall. She was rather cold when teaching. 

She seemed softer and more attentive when you shyly walked up to her lectern. Each stride towards her felt like a question on if you should do it or not, but the answer was decided for itself when she lifted her head up from her laptop from the sounds of your lonesome footsteps. It would be weird to run away now. You tried to hide your shaking hands behind you as you smiled awkwardly. 

“Hi, Ms. Williams I um, wanted to ask if… you were looking for a student assistant, I’ve been seeking out ways to gain some more practical experience and I am interested in your… your class.” 

Midway through the sentence you had to break off the eye contact, your nerves were pulling your sanity apart when Ellie’s pupils slightly dilated while listening to you stutter out your words.

You wished that you had something to play around with in your hands, but you hadn’t worn any type of accessories in so long. 

You watched Ellie as she gave you a small smile and looked down, taking off her glasses and neatly folding it before sliding it in the middle of her collar. She cleared her throat before speaking.

“Can you come to my office tomorrow, around… 4 pm?” Her toned down voice felt like a caressing touch, sending a heat wave from your neck to your chest and settling deep in there as you nodded. You turned around, wondering if you could make it out of the door before screaming as loud as you could. But she called out for you and it paralyzed you in an instant. 

“You haven’t told me your name.” A hint of humor was in her voice. You felt so stupid, your hard earned casual and calm stance melted away into raw panic and bliss so quickly in your professor’s presence. Right, your professor. Someone you definitely shouldn’t be feeling this way about. It made you forget your own name for a moment before you awkwardly nodded and let it slip between your lips quickly.

You spent a couple of minutes pacing around with the laid out outfit on your bed, a cardigan that showed not too much cleavage, The lace detailing at the edge of the bra would only get to peek underneath. Regular jeans and a pair of ballet flats you had forgotten about. You didn’t want to be obvious. About what exactly? Your dying attraction to her that burned you inside out? The heat was thin but it was running through your whole body, as if your blood was boiling in your veins. It affected your movement, you got slightly jerky, your fingers twitched beyond your control and you weren’t anywhere near her. It would take you about 20 minutes to walk to her office, meaning you had no time to be unsatisfied with your looks. 

By the time you put on your socks and slipped on your ballet flats, you were slightly regretting it. If things went weird and you fucked up in anyway, you couldn’t look at her face ever again, scold yourself every waking moment of the day to feel the burn of ashame in your eyes. It was no point to lie to yourself, you never had luck with love. Not that you had any chances to experience it mutually. Your history consisted of crushing on a straight girl in highschool, whom you would cry after when you were back from school. She didn’t even know your name most likely. It left a scar in your memories.

But here you were, an inescapable attraction that overtook your sense like a tornado, you could try to run away but it sucked you in mercilessly.  

You sprayed a single puff of perfume onto your hair. 

  Your way to her office felt like a lucid dream, it was negotiated between the two of you, an actual mutual interaction that only involved you and her. It played in your head the whole day like a broken record player. 

Winter time was slowly approaching, so by the time it was 4 pm, the sun had begun slowly diving down between the mountains and tall city buildings. 

The campus was more lively than you had expected, exams were coming up and people were heading to libraries or cafes to study. This was more of an analysis of the crowd. You were rather lonesome so you studied without subjects piling on each other. It made university easier. It made you feel even lonelier. 

You were at her door before you knew, perfectly in time. You tried doing some breathwork. Nothing was soft launching this interaction for you, you could never be normal about Ellie. You never had been since you first saw her anyways. Deciding to rip the bandage off and get it over with, your hand raised before you could stop yourself and softly knocked on the door. Her raspy voice barely made it behind the door as she told you to "Come in.”

You slowly pulled the doorknob and stepped inside, closing it behind you with a soft thud. 

The room wasn’t huge, it was a basic office. Her blinds were closed so it seemed even smaller. The green old style lamp was illuminating warm lighting through the desk onto the walls, her shadow covering you whole on the wall behind you.

There were piles of papers, on the shelves thick, hard covered books lined up neatly. Some had golden linings and patterns traced on the spines. Ellie was staring at her laptop, blue-ish light reflected on her face was contrasting with the warm lighting that covered the rest of the room. She lifted her head up and signaled you to sit down on one of the two chairs that were placed facing each other at the front of her desk with a small glass coffee table in between them.  

“Most professors already have a student assistant so I’m assuming that’s why you came up to me?” She gathered her hands on the table, her gaze was gentle. She seemed more relaxed than she did during lectures. 

You shook your head, “I didn’t ask any other professors.” 

That piqued Ellie’s interest. She knew that most students took this class because it was a lighter, easier way to achieve credit points. She took off her glasses and set them aside. 

“You’re really interested in this subject?”

You gave her a single nod. Watching her hands type out across the keyboard. It was so embarrassing to even admit to yourself, it turned you on more than anything ever to trace her jawline with your eyes, follow the way her fingertips splayed on the keyboard. 

Her attention alone made you feel a little high.

“I am aware that it is more often than not chosen for credits, but I do notice that you’re more attentive in class than your peers. Whenever I look at you, you’re already looking at me.”

You hadn’t guessed in a million years that she would semi-confront you so bluntly. Maybe she didn’t see you as anything beyond a student that talking like this didn’t bother her at all.

“I think a passionate teacher surpasses the class’s topic itself.”

You regretted opening your mouth after the words spilled from you. You sounded weird, like a fucking freak pretty sure. You decided to look down into your lap instead. 

“I would really appreciate it if you made the effort to be my  assistant. But I do tend to work more at night, it might be difficult for you, I’d understand if you wanted to back out and ask another professor.”

It was a bit of a surprise, you weren’t sure what you had expected. To be humiliated or be shamed and scolded for being a pervert or something. But that was something you had only done to yourself. It was hard to tear yourself apart from reality when you were in your head most of the time. 

“No, no, that's perfect. I’m more busy during the daytime.”

She asked for your email, after that you slowly got up and left.

You had found your way into a steady routine, your classes were mostly from morning to noon. Between noon and evening you did assignments and studied, the rest of the day was spent in Ellie’s office with her company, often sorting out papers and sometimes even having conversations about the subjects of her class that week. You often avoided getting personal, but sometimes she seemed to want to touch deeper than surface level topics. 

“You’re very disciplined but I have a feeling it bleeds out into something deeper more often than not hm?” She glanced towards you before continuing to grade essays, You were organizing them alphabetically by names as she requested you to do so. 

  “I just want to be better, not average.” you murmured, it felt slightly embarrassing to admit personal things. You could feel her gaze on your face.

“I don’t think you’re anywhere near average. You got the highest grade among all students on the last assignment. You handed it in a day before the deadline too.” 

“I’m just tired of people telling me they see my potential. I want them to see the potential fulfilled. And it makes me feel like I could always do better, improve more.”

Ellie tutted, which made you lift up your head to finally meet her eyes. Her disapproval was a lot scarier than failure. Or maybe it was failure itself. 

“The easiest way to destroy someone is giving them the illusion of being able to reach perfection.” She sighed, her voice got quieter. “I don’t want you to harm yourself for the sake of being better.”

  Unfortunately the two weeks ahead were absolute doom and despair, all teachers were giving commissions and assigning projects, asking for essays with a minimum of 10k words, and promising you exams that no one would get above a 70. 

The most annoying part for you had been the deadlines, most of your professors set it for midnight. It made things easier for you, but some of them put them in weird times like 6:38 pm or even earlier. Your small dorm had become a mess where you were struggling to form thoughts, let alone getting multiple assignments done. 

So you headed straight to Ellie’s office after class, she wasn’t even there herself yet. You quickly proofread your essay before uploading the file. It was due to 5 pm, the small time at the edge of your computer screen showed 16:49. You wouldn’t have made it if you stopped by your dorm. 

You began working on another assignment. You didn’t get distracted even once until Ellie showed up. She seemed slightly surprised to see you already in her office before her. 

“You’re early.”

A spark of panic settled in, was this very inappropriate? Was she uncomfortable? You opened your mouth to apologize but she spoke before you. 

“You seem tired, I will head out to get coffee, I’ll get you one too.”

“No, no you don’t have to, I’m sorry for coming in without permission, I wasn’t going to be able to hand in this assignment if I went to my dorm so I decided to just stop by here and then I  wanted to work a little more because my room’s messy and I-”

A small laugh interrupted you. She smiled at you often but you never heard her chuckle like that. You were so distressed that you didn’t know how you should take it. 

“It’s fine, I’ll lend you my spare keys. Just make sure to lock the door when you’re done.”

You let out a tiny sigh of relief before nodding. 

She came back 20 minutes later, two coffees with steam coming from the small hole on the lids were cradled in her hand as she closed the door. 

You shyly muttered a thank you as you placed yours on the coffee table. 

After some time passed you took a break, Ellie had another pile of papers next to her. 

“Should I start with those?” You asked, Ellie simply nodded. 

You got off the chair and walked over beside her, grabbing the stack of papers.You hadn’t noticed the pen that laid on top of the papers, it fell on the floor beneath Ellie’s chair. 

You got on your knees and reached for the pen without thinking, when you lifted your head up, Ellie was staring down at you, your heart clenched as you felt heat rush all over you. The intimacy of the position had you caught in place like a deer under headlights, Ellie’s eyes drew you in like a blackhole, they seemed like pure charcoal as the light didn’t reach her eyes. Her hand slowly reached towards your face. You held your breath as her hand caressed your cheek. You had to be dreaming, but you could feel the tips of her fingertips, the flesh touching your own, skin to skin connection under the dim light of her office. She withdrew her hand and covered her face with her palms. You panicked.

“I… I’m sorry I didn’t realize- That I was-” Ellie cut you off bluntly, her hands slowly sliding down her face to reveal her eyes, they looked worried.

“No, no it’s my fault. You’re my student for fuck’s sake, it was so wrong.”

You stood up on your knees, gently taking her hands in yours, and shaking your head.

“It’s okay I’m not- I’m not weirded out. It’s okay.” You were trying to give as much assurance to her as possible. It was scaring you to death that she would ask you to stop working around her and switch classes. You began to tear up.

“Please don’t drop me please, please please…”

Ellie had her own turmoil, it was true that ever since the first week of classes you easily stood out, with your attention on her Ellie felt much more confident about her knowledge on the subject, often times she imagined that all the others students were gone, just you in the middle of the lecture hall, listening to her with that sparkle in your eyes. If her desires hadn’t overcome her senses, she wouldn’t have ever accepted you as her student assistant.

“I’m not going to drop you, I’m not doing that” The tears on your eyes began to spill, your bottom lip was quivering. It was fucking her up to see you like this. She quickly pulled you onto her lap and placed a hand at the back of your head, pushing it down onto the crook of her neck as you continued sniffling. 

“I’m 15 years older than you.” She whispered into your ear. Thank god the blinds were closed. You gently shook your head as you pulled back. 

“I don’t care, I never cared. Please don’t treat me like this.” Ellie’s eyebrows furrowed, the creases on her forehead were a lot more apparent with the light coming from the lamp. She wiped away the tears from your eyes. 

“If we start once, I’m scared I won’t be able to stop. Do you understand me sweetheart?”

You bit your bottom lip, your face was a flushed and teary mess. You hand reached up to her tie, your gaze teared away from Ellie to your hand, a shaky breath left your lips before you tugged on her tie and kissed her. 

Ellie wasted no time at all, your heart was beating like crazy, with every push of Ellie’s lips, you wanted more, more than you could ever ask for. Her hands that were cradling your head came to firmly hold beneath your thighs, casually lifting you up with ease. You wrapped your legs around her hips securely.  

She laid you down onto the desk, you could see the pure hunger in her gaze yet she was still being so gentle with you, being careful to keep you comfortable on her desk as she quickly moved a pile of papers into her drawer and closed it. 

You closed your eyes at the feeling of her lips on your neck, kissing with light suctions as she moved her way down to your collar bones, her hand was shaking, having such beauty beneath her was driving her crazy but she couldn’t scare you off, not now not ever. 

She pushed the cardigan a little off your shoulder to kiss the smooth skin, drawing the delicious whimpers out of you. You let out a small whine when she sucked a bruising kiss near your breast. 

“Take it off… please.” Ellie could cum from your voice alone at this point, you begged so prettily, looking up at her with blown pupils, everything about you was blundering her mind.

She quickly lifted your cardigan up, throwing it onto her chair behind her as she bent down to kiss your stomach. Your hands clung to her hair, messing it up. She moaned against the skin of your stomach before reaching to unclasp your lacy white bra. The cold air brushed your skin sensually, causing your peaks to stiffen even more. Ellie took her time to watch you like that, it made you panic into embarrassment. You crossed your arms over your bare chest before you could think. Ellie immediately shook her head.

“None of that baby. I need to see you…” She gathered both of your wrists and pinned them on top of your head against the desk. You gasped when she took one of your nipples inside of her mouth and sucked. Her other hand slid between your thighs, gently cupping your slick pussy through your pants. You wanted to behave nicely for her but it was impossible, the pent up desire and her lips on your breast was pushing you out of control.

 You began to rock your hips into her hands, sighing as you pushed yourself up and down on the surface. The desk slightly creaked against the floor as you moved your body. Ellie let go of your wrists to quickly take off your pants. She didn’t bother keeping your underwear on, pulling it alongside with your pants. Her movement stuttered as she looked at your wet, messy and throbbing pussy. The cool air against your exposed parts was making you feel so vulnerable, but you quickly fell back into bliss as Ellie’s mouth was on your heat. You bit your lip to muffle your moans, the tip of her nose rubbed your little nub perfectly as she continued licking stripes up and down. Your legs were shaking non-stop. You loved the feeling of her tongue on you, it surpassed all of your time spent on your mattress as you fantasized of it. But it was so much, you wanted her to ground you as she took you. 

“E-Ellie, please…A-ah…Mmmph!”

She pulled away, panting as she pushed her fingers inside you instead. Trying to be more gentle than before as she pumped them in and out. 

“Tell me what you want sweetheart, I got you…” She leaned down to kiss you again. 

Your arms wrapped around her neck as you fucked yourself on her fingers. You felt pathetic for how much you needed her. Even when she was knuckle deep inside of you, you needed her closer. You could barely get your words out, barely able to sigh them out. 

“Please hold me, I’m so close. S-so close…pleasepleaseplease-”

You clenched tightly, pulling Ellie’s fingers deeper as you came. Your breath was ragged, Ellie gently kissed your temple and cooed over you. Her hand came to push some hair out of your face. She looked at you like you were something precious, worth letting go of all her morality. 

She took time to caress your skin and pamper you with kisses till you were calm again, She put your clothes on for you, getting you settled on her lap again. Your head rested on her chest, you didn’t want to part away from her. For once in your life that sense of belonging and safety in the stillness of the air in Ellie’s office cradled you. It was whispering your name sweetly, lulling you to sleep. 

Next week, you sat on your usual seat. Your laptop, notebook and pencil were laid out neatly. Many other students were chatting, there was an ambient noise that consisted of typing, whispers and foot tapping against the floor every once in a while. 

Ellie came in a few minutes later. In her usual attire, your favorite creme colored cotton button up, brown fabric pants and her hair pulled back into her neat yet effortless bun. 

She set her bag on the lectern, trying to avoid looking at you even though she wanted to get her hands on you as soon as possible. 

She gently tapped on the board, silencing all the noise inside the room. Her voice echoed in the lecture hall. 

 “So in Rome, they gave people bread and circuses. They kept the populace busy with entertainment.” She continued pacing around the room, your eyes didn’t leave her for even a second.

“But other dictatorships use other strategies to control ideas and knowledge.” She stopped in the middle of the room, her gaze wandered at the crowd of students. 

“How do they do that?” 

She lowered her head and began pacing again, every stride emphasizing her words. 

“Lower education, they limit culture, censor information… They censor any means of individual expression.”