ALOOFUS

Details:

A rustic, Tudor-era hotel that stands right in the heat of Halpart-Upon-Why, one of British best kept secrets, county-wise. It is a mysterious place, steeped in rich history and mystery.

The hotel has been run through the generations by the Rosenhope family.

REVIEWS:

“MASSIVELY HAUNTED…but decent breakfast”

“I spoke to an elderly Victorian woman for most of the evening so I missed the check out time. However, the staff were goodly enough to not charge me because of the disturbance. I do hope this particular spirit does find her missing child”

“Good staff. Nice selection of ales. Didn’t see anything spooky during my stay but I think most of all the supposed paranormal stuff is mostly people with too much time and imagination. The coal miner I briefly spoke to in the bar agreed with me.”

“Comfy beds. Feels like you are floating”

“Woke up with my shoes in the bath. Not sure if that’s anything to do with ghosts or the amount of Cripple Cock cider I’d had the night before”

“We stayed there as part of a Ghost Night with our investigation team. We got loads of activity, a lot of it on video. Really impressed with what we saw. Will stay there again and try to get more evidence. For those interested, you can see the photographs and footage at hauntedplaces.co.uk/Rosenhopehotel”

“A nice, rustic place to stay. The prices are as transparent as their guests”

“There’s a banshee in room 79. Don’t stay there if you want to sleep”

“LOVE the old piano in the dining area. Plays itself. How do they do that?!”

“5 stars to the old bartender who gave us a detailed history of the hotel as we ate our scotch eggs. He was really interesting, if a little pale. Really knew his onions, history wise”

“I put the willies up someone in room 212. #justsayin”

“I didn’t know the famous British entertainer Stan Mustard used to stay there until he sat on the end of my bed at 2 in the morning”

“REDRUM is MURDER backwards!”

“Room 111 has a man who stands in the corner, laughing. I was moved to 121 which was better for our children”

I see something

Above nothing

But better than most

I once saw a horse

Showing off again

Anyone that knows me will be aware of my love for 2000AD, a sci-fi anthology comic that’s been going for longer than I have been on this earth. Since its inception in 1977, 2000AD has featured thousands of stories, giving birth to some of the greatest comic characters of all time. 

One of which is, Judge Joseph Dredd, a hard-hearted, law enforcement officer in a far flung American future. Judge Dredd featured a cynical new world, where cops (Judges) could execute on the spot and throw people in the slammer for the pettiest of crimes. 

Mega City One, is a mass of ‘Blocs’, entire towns condensed into gigantic, rocket-shaped apartment buildings, usually named after minor British celebrities (There is a ‘Sue Perkins Bloc’ for example) or politicians. This world saw humans, mutants and droids live side-by-side, mostly at odds with each other, or the various (sometimes surreal) criminal elements that threatened an already shaky and paranoid city.

 Judge Dredd is not a hero, not in the conventional sense. He is a mostly cold, blank slate of a man whose sole purpose is to uphold the law and literally nothing else.

 Dredd has killed MILLIONS of people in the years he has been active. In one story, Dredd dropped a nuclear weapon on Russia, ending a war but killing millions of innocent people in the process. He is a machine of little sympathy and patience. Dredd is so infused with the law, and the upholding thereof, that he NEVER TAKES HIS HELMET OFF (Please, remember this) and he literally has no time for friendships or human things like emotion. Judges are sworn to not have romantic relationships and Dredd is above all of that. He doesn’t even think about it. Love is for creeps. 

In the comics, Dredd may as well be a robot, or a Robocop. (Dredd inspired that classic film) but, unlike Alex Murphy, Joe Dredd has no family (Well, not in the conventional sense but we’ll get to that in a wee while)

 Basically, Judge Dredd is awesome. I advise you to dig out the books and throw yourself into a world I’ve been enjoying since I was 8. Also, check out the 2012 film adaption called ‘Dredd’ because it NAILS the comic, the world and the character (with loads of cool references for longtime fans). It also features Judge Anderson, my absolute favourite female comic book character. 2000AD has, for the most part, featured strong female characters and the Dredd universe is no exception. 

1995 then. ‘Stallone IS Dredd’

Sly Stallone. Is. Dredd. Judge Dredd. A unfeeling, facially unknown, killer for the law. A character to be booed as well as cheered.

I was 15 when Judge Dredd came out. I was pretty excited. Didn’t last.

In less than ten minutes in, Judge Dredd takes his helmet off and by the end, he’s smooching Judge Hershey.

I get why fans get annoyed when films mess up their characters. Sometimes, it’s a little off kilter. I care not for changing the race of a character. Who cares as long as they embody that person? I would have taken a non-white Dredd. All the actor had to do was live by the code of the character, to be best representation of the man on the big screen. (Yes, Dredd has to be male. It kind of doesn’t work if he isn’t)

Stallone was not that man. The only thing that made him remotely qualified to be Dredd was that they both have distinguishable chins. 

Judge Dredd: The Movie was a cynical cash grab for a character that was kind of niche. Dredd wasn’t huge in America, even when he fought Batman. He was cult, through and through. It was a film that needed to be made by people that KNEW the material, that honoured the little/big things. Karl Urban, who played ‘The One True Dredd’ was a fan of the character and you can tell he was having a blast bringing him to life. When you watch Sly, you can see that one eye is on the scene, and the other is on the sack of money in the corner. 

The film, to delve into the travesty, is mostly harmless to those that just want to watch Sly wobble about like he does. For fans (I’d go as far to say that I’m a ‘super fan’, I’ve paid my dues) it’s like watching a shit cover of a great song on ‘X-Factor’. It’s soulless, lifeless and so lazy. No one wins in this, even 2000AD who, after it came out, could barely hide their dislike for it. 

It takes an old story and adds a few things to it. To give the film one single positive point, it looks the business. Chris Cunningham did a great job of the special effects, The Angel Gang and Hammerstein look awesome. THERE was the love and passion, all around people that couldn’t care less.

Judge Dredd: 1995 Edition worst crime is that it’s boring. It’s really, really boring. It tries to be funny, even drafting in Deuce Bigelow in as ‘comic relief’, again playing a character that’s completely different to the original material. Judge Anderson isn’t in it, which is a blessing. They would have probably re-imagined this cool, smart and female hero into a ditzy, blonde bimbo who keeps going all ga-ga over Rambo. 

They would have cast  Pamela Anderson, wouldn’t they? 

Diane Lane is in there, playing an equally iconic female character, Judge Hershey. She does, indeed, go ga-ga over Rambo and they have a kiss at the end. No real reason why. It doesn’t even make sense in the film and in the comic, they would never do that for about a million reasons. 

While they do use the famous ‘I AM THE LAW’ catchphrase, they also give the helmet-free, happy-go-lucky Dredd a new motto. In the film, he keeps saying “I knew you’d say that”, which is like something a sales manager would say, not an action hero. They really try to ram it home during the film. I bet Sly thought it was great, probably because when he says “Law” it sounds like he’s about to shit himself. 

When Armand Assante (playing Dredd’s ‘brother’ Rico) says ‘LAAAAAAAAAAAW’ to mock Dredd, it sounds like he’s reached a climax. Maybe he was channelling hopeless directer Danny Cannon who was hoping that this shit show would be that years ‘The Fifth Element’ (The film seems to take more cues from that movie than it does the comics)

Films are just fluff though, aren’t they? It’s kind of pointless to get all wound up about what is ultimately fleeting. I feel bad for feeling anything towards it. It’s probably the last time I was ‘angry’ at a film. Although, that being said, I saw ‘Batman Forever’ not long after and watched another favourite character be reduced to a dancing bear. Embarrassingly, I came out and, annoyed about a two-punch combo of crappy comic movies, I booted a cardboard cutout of ‘Batman Forever’ and declared, overly loudly, that I would never go to the cinema again. I did, about a year later but by then I was getting into indie-films and just wanted to watch people talking for 90 minutes.

Judge Dredd is a bad film, whether you love the source material or not. I’m more annoyed at it for tarnishing the later, superior Dredd film. A sequel and a series is so long overdue and it bothers me that the best representation of Judge Dredd and his universe is ‘I knew you’d say that’

DRTN

Ive been doing a lot of mental and physical decluttering to help us when we eventually move to Birmingham and I found a bunch of things from my 20’s, one of which was a scrapbook of tickets and flyers which collected a lot of gigs, festivals and events, some of which were related to my writing “career” such as the ticket and flyer for the screening of Death Rides the Nine, a film I that was written by yours truly and produced in America (Utah in fact) around 2004.

DRTN was one of the first films that I ever wrote, actually dating back to my college years. We were tasked with making a short film and I wanted to make a two-hander, something nice and simple that would be more about the script that the execution (even though the excecution was what I was going to be graded on). I was a big fan of ‘films about nothing’ and obessessed with ‘Clerks’ so I wanted to do something similar.

I wanted it to be in a pub, even though I didn’t frequent pubs all that much back then, because I thought we could either a) ask nicely and hope a local landlord let us use their bar or b) recreate one in the drama theatre. I also wanted to feature a human and someone fantastical so they could talk about weird things but look totally normal, a bit like the start of ‘Dogma’ which is, in my humble opinion, what the whole film should have been, Poop Monsters be damned.

When I was pitching it to my friends (we all helped each other on our projects) we kicked around ideas and somehow landed on this:

DRINKING WITH JESUS

Yep.

That didn’t get filmed because it was just one joke and I didn’t know all that much about religion as, despite going to a Christian primary school, I didn’t buy into it. I mean, Jesus has some pretty hefty competition in He-Man and that was something I could really worship. I went along with it for a while but it was kind of like finding out Santa wasn’t real. Once I knew, I just lost interest and started miming along to hymns as opposed to singing them. I also did that when we had to recite the Lords Prayer. I would get in trouble for this supposed injustice. One time, I had to stand up in front of the whole assembly as the visiting priest took me to task for faking it. (That was an odd line to write)

As I stood up, shaky of leg and red of face, he asked me what Jesus meant to me. I squeaked out a nervous: “I don’t know” and he loudly replied: “YOU DON’T KNOW?!?” to the amusement of the cross-legged kids around me. He then asked, more calmly, what I thought Jesus was (which was a little unfair really) and I replied “A sky wizard?”. If he was loud and OTT when I said i didn’t know, he practically turned into a cartoon, shaking and spluttering as he tried to comprehend what this horrible, non-believer was saying. The assembly fell into fits of laughter and he pretty much stomped off. Even as a very scared kid, I felt it was a bit overly dramatic. It wasn’t like I had called him out personally, I just panicked. I had to write lines during break. Thankfully, it wasn’t about Jesus.

So, to get off a tangent, I didn’t go full JC on that script. I went with Death. (Again, odd sentence)

As the fearful 40′s approach, with either a promise of new adventures or, well, that one way walk into the sea of trees, I find myself, as most sad, nearly middle-aged people do, by looking at a long-gone past with mostly rose-tinted glasses. 

I have a lot of time to look back as I’m currently at the mercy of a nasty clash of clans battle between House Anxiety and House Depression. As they fight it out to see who will claim ownership for my mental breakdown, I’ll drink in as many fond memories as possible.

Which segues awkwardly into the Commodore and its ‘Playful Intelligence’ pack.

My Dad got this for us three kids and we all couldn’t get enough of it. Not only did it run games from tapes but it had a cartridge slot with four decent games on it, two of which Flimbo and Freddy were the ones we all enjoyed the most.

‘Fiendish Freddy’s Big Top o’ Fun ‘was basically a mad series of circus events that you either performed to a decent standard or, well, died. Nightmarish clowns would rank you out of ten whilst Freddy would consider try to murder you either by throwing you off course on either a dive or a tight tope walk or throwing bombs at you during the wheel of death. Freddy, it revealed, was working with shady businessmen to get rid of the circus. You could probably make a home-brew version with Trump in the title roll. 

‘Flimbo’s Quest’ was basic but had a lot of things going for it. It was one of those games where you had to earn the right to see the next level. My Dad used to play it when we were all in bed. He’d tell us about the later levels he’d seen and once told us about a big dragon. From then on, we pretty much insisted he played it while we watched. What teeny, tough taskmasters we were. It’s  not like the man didn’t have enough going on with his double life of Post Office manager and Singer (His real job was the latter)

Not that my Dad wasn’t used to taking the proverbial reins when we couldn’t get past certain bits on those now vintage computer games. He powered through ‘Fire Ant’ on the C16 as we screamed uncontrollably around him. It must have been like trying to land a plane, with all that panic and that clunky old joystick. ‘Fire Ant’ was a tense old game. All those scorpions trying to sting you to death whilst you stole eggs and built bridges (?). We would rope him into ‘Icicle Works’ too and that was complete madness. 

It’s crazy, when you’re a kid, you think that adults can do anything because they have some years on you. I know how ridiculous that is now that I’m a fully grown adult and I can barely keep myself together. I still find myself getting my parents to do things that I find difficult. 

So what is the point of this whole thing? It’s just more words imprinted on the internet, lost in an ocean of fan fiction and angry letters about TV shows.  

There’s no point, of course. I can’t go back and replay those moments and it’s not likely that I will share such memories with children of my own. I wouldn’t honestly inflict such a potentially woeful (and woe-filled) Father on young Rodimus Bate*. I’m a barely serviceable Uncle.

Besides, I still tie my shoes the same way my Dad taught me so there isn’t anything new to teach a child of my own. Nothing has changed enough to have children and ‘Fire Ant’ isn’t a thing anymore.  

People sometimes say to me, “How can you remember that?”. The answer is simple. Why wouldn’t I? Everything has mostly been a blur since I ‘grew up’. The only thing that keeps me moving is the people around me. I’ve only ever been as good as the people around me. That’s why I never like to say goodbye to anyone.

Anyway, the C64 was great fun and if you can at least track down ‘Fiendish Freddy’ on an emulator, you should. 

BE WELL.

(*name TBC)

Living in Leicester, there's not that much to get truly excited about but one of the cities biggest achievements in the yearly comedy festival that runs in February. A lot of acts perform every year (usually doing warm ups for bigger and more Scottish audiences) so there is always something to see, and something to suit whatever floats your comedy boat.

I've not been all that much over the last few years, mostly because, as mentioned above, it seems to be nothing more than a practice run for some comics (Either that or 'Work In Progress' is a very popular title) and I'd rather not pay heaps of money so soon after Christmas for someone to read from a bit of paper and wish they were somewhere else (Edinburgh, Mock the Week etc).

For me, as a humble audience member, my best experiences of the LCF has always been the darker, weirder stuff (Or in the case of Bob Slayer's bus, truly fucking terrifying) where there is a feeling that it could all fall apart at any moment (I'm not talking about improv groups, the safe smugness of such could power a trip to the moon and back)

Basically, what I'm getting is that Peacock & Gamble ruined the Leicester Comedy Festival for me.

A brief history about the now-divorced duo:

- They created and hosted an amazing podcast that ran from 2008-2011/12 before working on a show at FUBAR, which expanded on the podcast but opened it up to their equally strange fanbase. The banter on the radio show ("It's not real radio!") was still really good but their interactions with the callers really made the show for me. Also, their feud with Jon Gaunt was a brilliant "Us vs Them" war on ignorance.

Both have moved on to do other things. Ian/Ray has put out some podcast gems in the form of 'The Parapod' and 'The Mental Podcast', the former being a paranormal debate and the latter being a spotlight on mental health (which, for me personally, helped to compartmentalise some issues I was having at the time)

Ed Gamble made 'Almost Royal' and does panel shows.

So, the ruination..

As they covered on the old podcast, both gentleman went into the Firebug unprepared for a) the show and b) just how many people would be there. We were on the front row (which is never nice for me personally because it's the comedy equivalent of being in a mosh pit) and had only really heard a couple of episodes but were there because my now Brother-in-Law recommended it. (I'll go with his confidence on anything, such is his genuine passion for things)

The show was a blur but I couldn't stop laughing,  I mean deep, proper belly laughs. Despite my dislike of improv, this went against what I was saying earlier. There was nothing smug about it. It was, to me, perfect danger comedy. Props were found, and used, from backstage, cookies were given to my now-wife to hand out and my future brother-in-law was force-fed a Ginsters pasty by a man dressed as Santa.

In truth, I've not enjoyed any comedy show as much since (Ben Baker's Punk Rock Quiz, The Conversation Garden and Paul Curry being three events I've since enjoyed, but for different reasons) and it's kind of hard to chat about something that you weren't there to witness. You missed a treat, for sure but it has been a measuring stick for any LCF experience since. I'm sure for even the performers, it would be odd to read someone banging on about a gig they probably won't remember (Although Mr Boldsworth does, according to his Patreon page) but I'm a fan of surprises and it was.

It was an eye-opener (and not like it was for Adam that night) because I've not lost myself in comedy since. On one of the old P&G FUBAR shows, Johnny Vegas spoke about comedy and how he feels it should be, an experience for the people that aren't just there to get a photo after it's all over. Like I say, I might be overblowing it but it changed a lot of things for me. As a "writer" (and I'm loathe to write that) I always wanted to reach a small audience and make a small difference. That gig did to me.

Ian Boldsworth is fully active on Patreon. He's worth a gander.

OCTOBER 7th 1996

My first ever concert and one of the very few that I was near the front for. 

16 years old, out in the real world after leaving secondary school, with the world ahead of me. Prodigy were the band that gave me the most comfort. I can’t tell you how obsessed with them I was, but I was. All of them. They ticked all of my boxes and ‘Jilted Generation’ was on a near constant repeat in my downstairs bedroom. When I wasn’t talking about them, trying to make music like them (it was woeful) I was trying to track down all the rare international singles, own more oversized t-shirts that I couldn’t wear to my Grandparents (because ‘Fuck em, and their Law) and watch ‘Electronic Punks’ every day. 

But her traffic was so noisy, with everything spinning

It could have never been something for long

We were wrong, never meant to be

Write hard, work harder

Lover, love better

Stay fiendish and foolish

I’ll live better for both of us

I'll look for a brighter sun, a fuller force for joy

Under a moon that doesn’t care

I brushed my teeth whilst lying in bed

To save the time I’m running out of

Write hard, work harder

Lover, love better

Stay fiendish and foolish

I met her incognito,  feeling dead all over. 

I can still recall the stolen goods she wore.

She was crashing through the guardrail in the twilight, and I knew it was a raven, nothing more. 

She asked me if I'd stay with her forever. 

She said to me she liked "Spy vs. Spy". 

But who'd have thought she'd blast off with no clothes on. 

My Dad and I have oft called this a “Transitional year” where a lot of personal administration has had to be done. It’s my hope that this buffet of bad times is going to allow for a hard reset in 2019. I know what I need to do to make things better and it is all realistically achievable. I just need to make sure that I have enough self confidence to commit or quit.

2018 was a year of some nagging mental health stuff. I used to get really embarrassed about talking about it because I was worried people (especially people I care about it) would think it was a put on. This would perhaps be less of a concern for me when I was younger and single, but now I’m older and married, the whole depression thing has a lot more weight to it. There is certainly a lot more to lose these days.

That being said, I have made sure that I cut myself loose from the things that tend to spark it all off. I’m fine with people. I’m confident enough to create small talk and make new friends but I truly know the types of people I need to avoid. Sadly, from a career perspective, the job I like to do (recruitment) is mostly filled with corporate robots who don’t interest me in the slightest. I’ve tried hard (for the sake of a decent wage) to fake it and mix with these people but I can’t do it. It’s not me at all. Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it isn’t. I don’t care enough to let that sort of thing consume me. When a job can make you forget who you are, and who you are married to, it’s just not for you. Relationships, be that romantic or platonic, are far more important. I’ll work hard, as I always do, but for the right people. My current role, for example, is a case of sanity over salary. I’m getting paid less but it allows me more mental breathing space. It’s been good to have such a role in 2018. It’s helped.

2018 saw a few losses. As it turns out, if you build a nice social circle, you have more people to care about and more people you can potentialy lose. Our gaggle of well-mannered, ramshackle fools had to contend with the death of a decent man. As if the darkness of depression could not make itself known anymore, our mutual friend was a victim. I’ve always had a morbid fascination with the ‘S’ word (I’m not going to write the whole word because I can’t seem to) but to have someone leave the local one night and never come back because they’d had enough was a lot to take in. Even now, we find ourselves wondering what we could have said, or done, to create a different outcome. 

Of course, we didn’t know what was going to happen but, in hindsight, we have a tendency to mull it over and try to spot the signs. Guilt is all part of that particular process, I guess.

It’s not been all doom and gloom. The nice moments have been just that. I’ve spent a lot of time with great people, made some new friends and discovered Jesus (the last part was a lie). I’ve made some music, wrote some film and rekindled the joy of creating. I’ve celebrated 12 years with a wonderful woman who keeps me laughing and dancing as I head towards 40. I’ve watched a ton of good movies, listened to some brilliant music and enjoyed some new shows (Streaming, of course. I never watch terrestrial anymore)

In 2019, I want to go to more gigs, festivals and the like. I certainly intend to have a proper holiday. One with the family and a couple with the wife. France, Amsterdam, Hamburg and New York are on the list. I’m going to work my arse off to make these trips happen.

I want to be a more considered person in 2019. I’m lucky enough to be friends with some really amazing people, one of which has been on a personal quest to do more for the world. I’ve found her adventures to be truly inspirational and I want to be like that. I want to ‘be there’ more and do something to make a difference.

I’m going to be a more sober person in 2019, starting with a completely ‘dry’ January. 

Something that irks me terribly is there seems to be a common train of thought that I’m always with a pint. I rarely drink to get drunk as I don’t like it (I feel mostly sleepy and shameful when I am) and I never really have booze at home unless someone a) brings it over one day and leaves it there or b) buys it for me as a gift. I’m definitely more of a social drinker. I’ve enjoyed having a nice group of people to talk to and have a laugh with. This has often been a saving grace after some not-great days at work. I still want to converse with these people but with less (or no) IPA’s in play.

My Dad has been saying “onwards and upwards” for 2019. Life won’t always go my way. Shit happens. It’s a world with far, far worse things going on than me having a duff year. Until I become an all-seeing overlord or Thanos, I’m going to have to settle the first world problems first. 

2018..goodbye

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I57IX5pJV1g)

A few weeks ago, I made a daft tune on Garage Band that I was pretty pleased with. Thankfully, as always, I have talented friends who can make these endeavours better. I think this song is worth a listen, wether you like me or not. I'm genuinely proud of this collaboration and I hope you enjoy it.

HARPOON