cynthia

All I ever wanted was someone to take care of me, nurture me the way a gardener does to his plant and wait for the flower to bloom.

However the difference is I couldn't find the gardener all my life, but found when I was the least hopeful.

Toxic to beautiful, Loving to unbothered, experienced all yet none could have that spark which a moderate funny but supper pretty face with the kindest heart did.

I have been tagged as "Gold digger" ample amounts of times, but the gold I was hungry for was LOVE!

Sudden tune of a song has taken me to the memory lane of my life and the journey. Surprising how I haven't heard this song is ages and all of a sudden it hit me like a rock falling from the mountain.

Back here with verbal vomit of emotions? Emotions that are eating me up from inside and leaving no flesh remained to survive on to. When all at ones a rush of thoughts just wave down your mind at 3am what are we supposed to do?

I have been living the dream life, the life with all sources of happiness wrapped and presented like Christmas presentes under the tree, yet tears somehow got there way back. Questioning myself, my existence left me for a while, but just like that they are back as well.

 Putting every bit of yourself into making it and yet when it doesn’t ignite the spark, the real burning sensation starts, burning hearts. 

The outside world only blames the person who reaches the limit of tolerance and yet forces oneself to make the sparkle happen. Words fail to describe the pain one goes through being suffocated, craving for a bit of air. 

if i have to sum up my life, this last one year did nothing but made me feel super ugly. Those uncountable nights I sat in front of the mirror pushing the curves of my smile go a little wider and eyes shine a little brighter misleading my mind to believe I’m beautiful. Am I? 

Bragging about guys who might have felt something for me was never my thing because deep down even i liked someone and I know how disrespectful it is to talk about all these. 

I always have been so available to people that no one valued me ever. Or maybe I don’t deserve to be valued. Do I? 

The materialistic world kept on believing what those other 99other girls have to offer them with those tantrums, Yet I choose to show respect to them and in return got nothing but disrespect and became to piece of joke material I guess.

I know I am nothing was a human with 99 flaws, but i believe that there is 1% something good in me too. Will there ever be any friends or someone who won’t take me just as a entertaining element but also a soul with all the other feeling which every girl or Human has?

Emotions all over the place. This so messed up that even a trash can seems clean.

If just breathing means you're than yes I'm alive. BUT IS BREATHING THE ONLY SIGN OF BEING ALIVE??

The pile of unanswered questions is constantly growing high up, unfortunately no Ray of answers are yet seen. Hopes are no where to be seen at this point.

 The psychedelic world of thought just engulfs me, every time I even get the slightest distraction. Mostly about life and random voices of known who turned unknown. Those voices so clear and loud I wonder the person sitting beside me can here that too. 

Strikingly all these years, everything was inside me wrapped up in I don’t know paper? Maybe. However its all opening now and it is just not pleasing. Some giving new trauma and some are just simply triggering the PTSDs. 

I don’t know if I will ever stop complaining about life. I mean I’m grateful for those 70 things but can this make me over look those 30things that are ingesting me from inside. 

Oceans, mountains even trees got emotions and they get their option to express so do humans. Then what am I? This strong storm will clam down one day, and I’m scared bout that day. Met that “after storm” before and honestly I haunted myself. Overcoming that aftereffect is worse than the disaster. 

I just want to scream my lungs out all the anger. All these exams haunting me more than that dog of my neighbor. 

I kept on preparing myself for this but still had hopes. Guess what all my thoughts were correct. And once again I’m just left all shattered. Lost all my strength to repair myself. All those sentences were just sweet random words which meant nothing. 

Yet again I’m JUST ANOTHER GIRL. Not even a girl, a basic SOUCE OF ENTERTAINMENT. I kept falling for him like raindrops and that one second of bright sun dried out my existence. 

I was few drops of water in the ocean, doesn’t really make a difference. My questions about love is only increasing. This Cinderella lost her everything. 

Even if I try to picture us together in my future frame I just can not get that vision. I don’t know but this is giving me both hopes and reality checks. Everyday a new surprise waiting. Somedays its a surprise and somedays  just a shock. 

Him jokingly saying “I planned future with you” still gives me goosebumps. Ok fine I know the context was completely different and he considers me as just another Freshmen year junior. 

Still can’t process “his just woken up voice”. Rn that’s the only thing my ears crave to hear 24/7. 

Getting dreams about him has became a part of my daily routine. Love is way too beautiful than explained in novels. won’t lie I did fell in love before too but but but I can assure this time it isn’t just an adrenaline rush. Madhubala feels are so real now. 

Waiting for his one text has its own excitements. That huge smile on my face looks really amazing. Trust me I thank him for gifting me my biggest smile.

Him taking my name while singing random words makes my heart skip beats. never loved this part of my name but he made it my favorite. 

Started noticing every small details about him. Sleeping and waking according to classes is life rn. Waiting for his calls on his free days has its own adventurous experience. Constantly checking his name in the participants list giving me regular reality checks that he is actually real and not my imagination. And of course his deep cracky morning voice is worth waking up and joining that supe boring eco lecture.

My cheeks turned so red right now, seems like got a freaking slap from hulk. 

We often hear and believe that moving apart helps you to forget the love or pain. ”Out of sight, out of mind”. But the biggest question is does it really work? It isn’t  doing much in my case. As the space increasing day by day the urge of listening his voice or the craving to his presence is increasing drastically. 

The more i try to distract myself from his thoughts , the more flashbacks are hitting harder. At this point it is haunting my soul. His thoughts, memories are written with a 10B pencil and it is impossible to erase without leaving any traces. 

At this point heart feels so heavy it might burst and it will be called this biggest disaster of the decade. Emotions in this generation has even lesser value than a phone’s eject pin. 

The fairytale I was dreaming about is the same but just my character is changed. Thought I was the princess but wow I’m just the not so important tea pot lying their doesn’t really make a difference even if that stops existing. 

Have you ever asked yourself why a garden makes everyone feel better? That because in a garden plants love each other and their love makes you feel better.

I closed my eyes and saw your face, my eyes refused to open and keep admiring those beautifully imperfect strains of hair on your forehead, your lightly trimmed beard and those square glasses making you look way too cute. The constant urge to hold those huge hands and get lost in a  Psychedelics. Your fragrance is something my inner self craves 24/7. Sun kissing your perfect checks making me jealous. Your deep voice has officially became my favorite harmony. Even when you aren’t around I can still hear those words. My lips stubbornly wanting to touch your perfectly baby pink soft lips.  

Honestly my heart feels hollow and this vacuum feeling is the worst one can feel.