orc iz here

I should have quit a long time ago. I had been keeping "receipts" screenshotting passive aggression, position undermining and blatant disrespect from my boss and a coworker she is personal friends with outside our workplace. Discussing it with loved ones, my therapists, HR and more, the consensus was I shouldn't have to deal with that and no normal work environment should require keeping receipts.

So when I resigned, I should have felt ecstatic. I was anticipating feeling free, liberated. I could do whatever I wanted without adhering to shifting goalposts, adapting to love-bombing and manipulative language.

But that didn't happen.

I've felt like a gross failure, like a backstabbing cretin who didn't give my work a fair shake before abandoning it. Though logically I know I had been dealing with this treatment for months (likely years, just didn't notice it until I stepped away for a mental health sabbatical,) I felt like I was being unfair submitting no two weeks notice. Even though I had spent the last few weeks crying on the bathroom floor and in the car to/from work, with anxious jitters that have made me drop and break things, and going home completely drained until I went back to work. I went through all this, and still felt like I hadn't been treated poorly enough to step away.

It felt so unnatrual. I was dedicated to quitting until I went into the meeting with my boss to discuss things. Even as I was receiving the same treatment as with the last few months, I was slowly being pulled back into extending my time there. If I hadn't had an HR rep present, and stepped away from the meeting before making my decision, I'm not sure I would have escaped.

I yearn more than is healthy for me. I usually develop a crush on most of my friends which wanes in and out as our relationship moves on. One stretch of time I could be perfectly content being with solely my partner, and then I get a string of prophetic dreams for weeks about simultaneously dating my partner and seeing someone else (some real, some imagined.)

My partner and I have had plenty of discussions about polyamory in the past. Thankfully, we're in a very progressive family unit where non-monogamy and queerness are considered normal. This doesn't mean everything is hunky-dory, though. My partner is open to the idea, but they do not like anyone else. Hard to be poly when there's just one person you like. They feel like they have to do something to make it even if I find another partner to engage with, and it just hasn't worked out before.

Not to mention my lot of partners. I really can only engage in polyamory by hooking up with strangers on dating apps. All my options in reach are either not in a place to do it or have their own baggage or I just don't wanna. Most of my poly fantasies are about maintaining multiple romantic connections, though. Not to say sex isn't a factor, but my dreams usually revolve around me hanging out with both my current partner AND another simultaneously, and everyone is happy and intimate and understanding.

I only realized recently that I cope with these feelings by masturbating. I used to think I was hypersexual, but I think I just get uncomfortable with these feelings which won't be satisfied and instead chase an immediate dopamine kick. I've kinda been intentionally holding myself off on it the last few days as an experiment. It's weird, to say the least.

When I masturbate prompted like this, I don't jerk it thinking about the person I'm fantasizing about. I watch as ethically sourced of porn as I can. However, I don't feel like it's the best thing for me. Sure, I can suppress the difficult thoughts for a while, but what am I really doing? They keep coming back, meaning it must indicate some legit need inside me. I've pushed down my feelings for others which could have evolved into situations closer to my internal fantasy had I acted upon them (carefully and with peoples' consent, of course.)

It's also given me strange complexes about some friends. They may not realize it, but I operate from a strained place maintaining our normal platonic dynamic while secretly wishing for something deeper. And these feelings have gone on for months, years off and on. Is that an okay thing to do for my brain? It's how I've always been, and people are always comfortable with me and enjoy my company. I must not be doing anything wrong, right?

1. My partner is not interested in other people and has expressed their apprehensions about me getting into another comitted partnership

2. The people I am interested in are not at a stage in their life to work through those kinds of things

I think alot of progressive people want to be educated on world events. They keep up with news outlets that report on just how awful things are getting. Some of us (myself included) have followed pages which share liveleak tier traumatizing videos out of a need to "be aware."

However, desensitization to violence empowers the empowered. Think about it: It gets much easier to joke about ICE, the Palestinian Genocide, Trump, Epstein and more when we're used to the worst aspects of humanity. Seeing Palestinians butchered daily, for instance, makes that a normal thing to you. When things are normalized, they become much harder to deconstruct and move forward through.

So is it more revolutionary to tune out? If we turn our phones off, knowing full well what's right and what's wrong, will simply avoiding the grotesque scenes make us more able to do something about it? There's a dissonance in left-wing spaces between people's desire to be on the "right side of history" and also getting used to the miserable state of things.

Human beings have been around for hundreds of thousands of years. Despite this, most of the constructs we live our lives by were established in the last ~2% of human history. It can sometimes feel frustrating to have these inexplicable, primal behaviors interrupt our civilized lifestyles. Really, though, we are the result of eons of evolution that can't be undone in a few measly millennium.

One construct we've come to believe is natural is monogamy: Two people interface in a relationship of romantic/sexual exclusivity. Engaging in intimacy with anyone other than your ordained partner is considered, "cheating," and looked down upon by society as a taboo.

Is monogamy actually natural, though?

It can be hard to feel like it is with religious and government institutions artificially promoting monogamous marriages throughout history. These entities have held power for so long that generations of people know monogamy as the only acceptable partnership mode. Despite this, countless species have developed monogamous mating and child rearing patterns as survival strategies. For instance, when members of the same species have been far spread, mates will develop monogamous tendencies to secure reproduction (you never know when you might find another mate again!)

It is important to note that ~30% of primates are monogamous, however. The category of animal that humans fall into is majority polygynous. Humans are exceptional primates in many ways, so does this statistic actually mean something?

Homo sapiens primary evolutionary trait is adaptability. Humans are able to survive in all corners of the world, hence why humans dominate it. People have evolved to have more melanin in regions exposed by heavy sunlight, hold their breath longer underwater in seafaring areas, grow more hair to protect the body from extreme cold, and much more. Whatever Earth throws at us, we can take.

So with that being said, are humans naturally monogamous?

Much like with other animals, you'll find humans developed monogamy as a response to their environment. 10,000 years ago, the agricultural revolution changed human lifestyles forever. People no longer needed to be nomads on the run from predators while scavenging what they needed to survive: They could build a secure home and grow a lifetime's supply of food tending to the land. This meant there was less need for sexual competition among humans. They had much more time to engage in partnership instead of vapid mating, which pulled upon the human phenomenon of "pair bonding" we have used to survive hunter-gatherer times.

We only know this, however, because of the evident population boom. Human behavior changed as new situations required new strategies to survive. Genetic data shows significantly fewer males contributed to the gene pool than females. This could indicate a few things: Polygynous males mating with unclaimed partners/harems of females OR serial monogamist males mating with each exclusive partner after the last partnership ended. Both of these things are still aspects of human culture today, indicating either theory could ring true.

Well, what is it then? Is Monogamy or Polyamory more natural?

I think they're both equally natural. All natural means is it appears in nature, and it's evident that current, ancient and prehistoric humans, as well as our primate cousins, display both tendencies depending on where you look. Neither option is "unnatural." If you feel inclined to love another person alongside your current partner, communicate with them and navigate with as much care and skill as you all can! Furthermore, don't feel like you're "not progressive enough" for only finding interest in one partner, as it's only natural to feel that way!

I have been at a minimal contact stage in my father and I's relationship for a few years now. We had a big blow up fight in 2023 that led to cut contact, then I reached out via email to try to establish something again. Cutting off a parent is such an unnatural feeling, you always feel like there's a core part of yourself missing. However I, like all estranged children, have been reminded recently why I did it in the first place.

I went grocery shopping with my partner. We made one final pit stop to round out what we didn't get at the first store. Turns out my dad took on a job as a delivery driver for this store, which I found out as he called out to me in the parking lot before entering the building. It was shocking, but not painful right away. It was honestly nice to see him have a stable source of income and not rotting away somewhere. It's nice to get a hug from a dad I hadn't had for years.

Then, he got to his usual antics. "You know, I don't want to get into anything out here in public, but you can call or text me just as easily as I can call or text you." Not even two or three sentences in to seeing each other again, immediately tried to employ some guilt tripping strategies. It's honestly been so long since I've lived with someone who was so grossly manipulative that I was stunned. This was the way he talked to me, and everyone else in his life, every conversation. He even cried, which I'm not sure was entirely pure given his tears always accompany blame shifting.

He had to get back to work and I had to shop, so we parted ways. It was a painful interaction, but one I was used to from him. I passed by the department he was working at, and none of the items I needed to get were anywhere close to where he operated in the store. Feelings started to rise as I was out of his vicinity: I always go into a fawning survival reaction around him, and can't feel how I feel until after he's gone.

Then, as I'm standing in an aisle looking for something, he calls out to me from behind my back. He goes out of his way to ambush me again, asking me to call him and set up a time to get dinner, "if I feel ready for it." I tried to be as polite as I could telling the truth, "I'll see if I'm ready." Then he walked away.

I wouldn't have had a problem with seeing him initially. It was a surprise to both of us. However, when he knew he could catch me off-guard, he went out of his way to take that opportunity. It was a painful reminder that the person who is supposed to protect me will actually hurt me for their own emotional gain, with not enough regard as to how I feel.

This is the same man who always threatened to hit me, dangling it over my head like it was something admirable.

This is the same man who belittled my chronically ill mother for symptoms of her disability.

This is the same man who complained to his teenage son how he was "getting any" from my mom throughout her sickness.

This is the same man who made comments about the size of my genitals before I was even a teenager.

This is the same man who thirsted over teenage girls at 40+ years old to "relate to" his teenage son.

This is the same man who refused to come to every family event my partner invited him to for years, then accuse me of abandoning him for them.

This is the same man who called my trans boyfriend "gender confused."

This is the same man who acted okay having a queer son, then made snide comments about my outfit or policed what I called myself in front of (more progressive) family.

This is the same man who kept a pill addiction secret my entire life.

This is the same man who called me naive and ungrateful for talking about my struggles with his parenting.

This is the same man who feeds his 10 pound dog chocolate chip weed cookies to calm him down.

This is the same man who yelled at me for going to my elementary school teachers scared about his yelling.

This is the same man who drives 100+ miles just to brake check someone who kinda cut him off with his only son in the car.

This is the same man who would spend 12 hours a day for years sitting down in front of the TV, unemployed, when his only son was a few rooms away

This is the same man who wants to have a relationship with me, but doesn't message me on any line I've kept open for years, even after I initiate.

I have to remind myself that this all is the same man. When he tries to make me feel guilty for cutting him off, I have to remind myself why I did it. It all goes away the moment he's back in my life. I had been trained for 20 years to be his emotional rock, that doesn't just go away in a few years. I'm back to being 17, 10, or 7 when he talks to me, when I thought I was the problem.

Nickelodeon's Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom had what I considered the best speedrun of any video game. It was skill based, under an hour, and a blast to watch. It had the best speedrun, though. It no longer does and that is the consequence of speedrunning's nature.

Runners are always working to reduce their time in a single playthrough. Some of the best ways to do this are to utilize glitches to skip entire portions of the game: If you don't play it, it doesn't add to your runtime and you won't risk additional mistakes that cost time.

This has happened with the recent "Slop" strategy involving swapping PS2 memory cards in such a way that Golden Spatulas can be repeated. Now, only the quickest segment of the game needs to be repeated upwards of ten times to get to the final boss. Entire zones with intricate strategies are being left behind as this new method shaves off nearly half the runtime.

But who cares? It may be the fastest, but now the run is 75% repetitive, making viewers watch 20 minutes of the same thing before the run is over. From a runner's perspective, I have to imagine that the skill ceiling has dropped significantly and has made the game less engaging to run. The speedrunning community got exactly what they were aiming for, the shortest possible time to beat this video game, while sacrificing everything that made running it before interesting.

Patriarchy hurts everyone. It may seem like a male favoring system, however the men wrapped up in this performance undergo unique trauma as well. People cite the higher suicide rate in men than women as a counter to patriarchy's existence, when really patriarchy promotes self destructive behaviors in men: Suicidal men is the natural conclusion of a patriarchal society.

There is a unique dissonance between the presentation of masculinity in patriarchy and the actual lived experience. Men are considered the ideal gender, that which all systems are designed to accommodate. Social structures will give power to men first, yet the accompanying responsibilities will be given to the women in their life, such as the societal ideal of the stay at home mom or the parenting responsibilities given to an eldest sister.

As such, men are not trained in the skills they're taught they should have. Independent survivalists, skilled breadwinners, dependable husbands/fathers, attractive casanovas, these are all archetypes which patriarchy attempts to mold men into. Why would they become any of these things, though? They all require some level of skill which patriarchal men expect the women in their lives to have as the servant gender. They don't need to learn these things. In fact, they are often babied deep into their adulthood. Nothing challenges them, so they don't get better before becoming adults who need to depend on themselves.

This is the dissonance: Men are thrust into dominant roles without the skills to maintain them.

These boys grow into broken men. They lead embarrassing lives, trying to catch up to the women around them who have been trained in the same things sometimes a decade earlier than they started. Despite the skill gap, they are expected to be capable as patriarchy has painted the ideal man to be. This leads to shame, frustration, anxiety, depression, really any mental health issue you can think of.

This feeds into their tastes in women. Have you noticed the rising popularity of the "mommy" archetype in men's spaces? Right wingers follow well endowed models dressed in Americana trad wear. Their fetishes often revolve around "mommy milkers," femdom, and humiliation kinks. They'll even fetishize alternative fashion like goths which they would normally consider degenerate in a social setting: Sometimes it heightens their arousal being embarrassed by someone they otherwise look down on.

Though this is mainly played up for laughs, the desire comes from somewhere legitimate. You look into these communities to find people fantasizing about dominant women who will take care of the things they weren't trained for: She'll ask the service worker to correct his order when it comes out wrong. She'll organize and fund dates. Often the fantasy includes these women being physically bigger than the man (taller, chubbier, buffer, often with aforementioned "mommy milkers" or "child bearing" hips.)

I don't think these tastes are inherently wrong. Consenting adults can do whatever they want together. Problems do arise when these things are unchecked. For instance, take the recent release of Dispatch: A Tell-tale inspired episodic narrative game about superheroes. The main character is a mundane person who is forced into two love interests throughout the game. Both are superpowered women who force themselves upon the main character. There are narrative reasons for this, ones that I have not found under all the men thirsting over being treated like a sex object by powerful women.

This normalizes sexual harassment of men. Male SA survivors are already in a predicament in patriarchy. They are told that they should "appreciate" being assaulted, that they're "weird" for disliking being raped by a woman. Look at any case of a teenage boy being groomed by a female teacher: It does not take long to find people envying the victim. Now how much more difficult will it get for those men to be taken seriously when one of the biggest game releases of the year shows explicit sexual harassment of a man by a woman without demonstrating the real life effects of it? Especially when it's cultivated an audience of men fantasizing about being in that position?