Fun fact: there isnβt anything wrong with you if you do what OP is describing.
Deborah Tannenβs work focuses on different conversational stylesΒ β the sets of behavioral norms and expectations that we bring with us to conversations. In one of her earlier articles, she describes two conflicting conversational styles that exist in the US.Β
One, which she (perhaps inaccurately) dubsΒ βNew York Jewish conversational style,β is based on the principle of building camaraderie with oneβs interlocutor. The other, which she doesnβt really name but which we could callΒ βmainstream American conversational style,β is based on the principle of not imposing on oneβs interlocutor.
Each conversational style has its own behavioral norms. Mainstream American conversational style involves things like asking your interlocutor questions about him/herself and waiting until your interlocutor is clearly finished speaking until you say something. These demonstrate a focus on oneβs interlocutor and a clear resistance to imposing. NYJ conversational style involves things like conversational overlaps β speaking at the same time as oneβs interlocutor β andΒ βswapping stories.β These demonstrate a high level of engagement with oneβs interlocutor. Conversationalists using the mainstream American style make space for each other; conversationalists using the New York Jewish style carve out their own space.
Each of these conversational styles works well when the two people conversing have the same style. Imagine two friends meeting for drinks after work:
βOh, hello! How was your trip here?β
βOh, it was awful. There was so much traffic on the turnpike.β
βThatβs terrible.β
βI know. How was your trip?β
βWell, there was an accident on the bridge.β
βOh no! Was there a big backup?β
βYeah, pretty big.β
βOh, hi!β
βHey! Ugh, sorry Iβm late, there was so much traffic on the turnpikeββ
βOh my god, I know, there was an accident on the bridge and the cars were backed up a MILEββ
βThat is the worst, I remember one time I sat in traffic for an HOUR waiting to get through that toll, they really shouldββ
βAdd more EZ-pass lanes, right?β
βAdd more lanes, yeah, exactly.β
Both of these conversations worked: the participants feel that theyβve had their say and that theyβve been understood. They feel connected to their interlocutor.
But when people with conflictingΒ conversational styles converse, thatβs where things go wrong. Because we interpret other peopleβs contributions according to our own conversational style. So the person with mainstream American conversational style comes away thinkingΒ βWhy did they keep interrupting me? Why didnβt they ask me any questions about me? Why were they so loud and emotional?β And the person with the New York Jewish conversational style comes away thinkingΒ βWhy were they so disengaged? They didnβt seem involved in the conversation at all. They didnβt even offer any personal information.β
Rather, they wouldΒ come away thinking that, except that weβre taught growing up that the first example conversation up there is what conversations shouldΒ look like. So the person with the New York Jewish conversational style actuallyΒ comes away from the conversation thinkingΒ βoh my god, what was I doing? I kept talking about myself. I think I kept interrupting them. I am so rude, god, Iβm the worst.β When in fact: a) itβs about cultural difference, not individual moral qualities; and b) one conversational style isnβt inherently βbetterβ than another.
Which isnβt to say that we shouldnβt attempt to bridge the gap between conversational styles, as suggested above. But we should be aware that:
TL;DR: Cultural difference is often mistaken for individual moral failings.
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