orange moon

it’s called “Dead Leaves” under the artist name “orange moon” on all streaming platforms.

the bracelet you made for me broke yesterday

3 years faded off my wrist in a matter of seconds

did you ever think of me that way?

did you ever see me like that?

like i saw you?

like a light in the darkness?

like a shining beacon through the waves?

it’s been 2 years since i last saw you

2 long, lonely years

2 years with a bright bracelet on my left wrist

2 years with frequent reminders of how i felt

2 years that i was hoping you might reach out

but 2 years of silence

my ship has crashed and i am sinking

the captain goes down with the ship, as they say

the waves will crash over me

and my sails will crumble

as the lighthouse remains dark

and as the string slowly slipped off my arm

slowly wearing out more and more each time i play my aged symphony

new flowers bloom on my tongue and yet i always return to the old marigolds

new words are typed in my book but i always reread old passages

old passages about you

as my tape wears

as my strings break

as my petals wilt

as my pages yellow

they always lead back to you

they are always dedicated to you

every broken tape

every ancient symphony

every dead bloom

every torn cover

they all resolve to you

and yet they will never lose tension

until the day my throat closes and my heart stops

my phone doesn’t recognize my face anymore

i mean, i set up the face id a year ago but it has worked fine until yesterday

i don’t look significantly different

my hair’s barely changed

neither has my face

but my phone didn’t recognize me

glasses on or off, hair in different places, different angles

nothing worked

my phone doesn’t see me anymore

i don’t know if i see me anymore

a husk of a being

an empty house looking for a resident

ancient, rotting, covered in mold

a face unfamiliar to me

empty eyes, dark spots, hair, nothing seems right

but this is me

i am me

i will always be me

even when i don’t think im me, i am

even when i wish i was someone different, i am and will still always be me

this is how being trans affects me

i barely recognize myself anymore

i see warped features, a different person

is it selfish that i am happier this way?

that i’m “letting down” my parents?

that i am making the decisions that are worsening my mental health because i think ill feel better as this gender than i do as that gender?

is it selfish that i think i look better in clothes made for someone without a penis?

do i find joy in fighting with my parents over hormones or “god”?

did i really just write a whole poem about my fucking phone showing me how different i am now than i was a year ago?

yes

yes i did

sometimes i need to sit and write to deal with my emotions

and sometimes what i write comes out in strange metaphors

sometimes when i feel like everything’s crashing down around me i just need to write

writing lets me express myself in ways i couldn’t otherwise

without writing, who would i be?

a husk?

an empty house?

no

i’d just be me

i’d be the me that my phone does actually recognize

i’d be the me that was still a boy

i’d be the me that never had to go through any of this bullshit

i’d be the me that was really happy

but i’m not that

i’m the me that has mental issues and is trans and is fighting with her parents and is inadequate and unfit for college or life

i’m the me that can’t even write a fucking college essay out of fear of rejection

i’m the me that doesn’t explicitly want to die, but wouldn’t be opposed or mad if it happened

i’m me

flaws an all

and that’s how i have to live

that’s how i need to learn how to live

so i’ll update my phone’s face id

yes, for some reason my distributor is not actually uploading the lyrics even though i tried to attach them so i’ll post them here. :)

remember: i remember that night

you got so close to me

i held on so tight

would never let go

for the rest of my life

i’ve been thinking so much about what we are together

i’ve been stressing so much over you

now that you’re gone

i wish i was more poetic

i wish i could leave you alone

i wish i was a little bit better

i wish i was a little bit better (x2)

raindrops on my windowpane

remind me of you (x5)

sorry:

it’s the end of the world

‘at least mine anyways’

i’ll apologize til i lose my voice

or until you tell me to stop saying the s-word

and after you tell me to finally stop

i’ll say it one more time out of habit

so, so i’ll go, so i’ll go, far awayyyy

leave, you in peace, for the rest, of your days

tell me all your secrets

i’ll joke about them to all my friends

sticks and stones in my bones again

words stuck in my head forevermore

and so, so i’ll go, so i’ll go, far away

leave, you in peace, for the rest, of your days

you’re different, and i’m worthless

you’re awesome, and i’m worthless

you’re special, and i’m worthless

you’ve moved on, and i’m sorry

ocean:

drifting in an endless ocean of black

your picture looms over the horizon

i can run and run and never get closer

i love you so so much, but you’re gone

i can never reach you in this sea

splashes echoing but never reaching your ears

eyes darting but never meeting yours

i must have enough love to fill an ocean

a dark ocean, now that you’re gone

a dark ocean that i will never find a shore of

a dark ocean i’ll be in forever

a dark ocean i will never escape no matter how hard i try

an endless, hopeless ocean

interlude: (instrumental)

time:

time is running out

every second counts

running to my house

can’t escape it now

and i know that

this won’t last much longer

much longer (x2)

panic setting in

wonder will it end

painting on the wall

watching my downfall

but i know 

that this won’t, this won’t end soon

won’t end soon (x2)

it doesn’t feel the same anymore

your words don’t sound the same anymore

your hands don’t feel the same anymore

we are not the same anymore

glow:

bury me, somewhere i can

wake up in the pink opaque

draw the ghost, on my neck

in pink marker

hold my heart, near your chest

and hear it beat

close the lid, and cover me

cause there’s still time

i don’t want to, i don’t want to stay

i want to go away (x2)

bugs // unfinished:

will you still 

love me 

when i’m underground

will you still hold me

when im not myself

when the bugs eat my brain

they’ll see visions of you (x4)

i’m cutting out the pieces

to put you in a box

i’m severing my brain stem

so i can’t get any thoughts

i’m putting back the puzzle

we finished on the floor

so that i don’t want to

kill myself anymore

everything ends:

i wanna love you like it’s breathing

i wanna hold you like i need it

and your eyes, are so pretty tonight

and your eyes, remind me of the stars

drown me

in the sea

as i watch it all

crumble to dust

everything ends (x4)

i could see this coming a mile away

and what will writing songs do to stop it

what am i doing here

why am i here

i told you everything happens for a reason

and you told me everything ends

and you’re right

everything ends (x3)