burning all my bridges and calories

So I was supposed to be dropping all this weight while my crush is on his 2-week europe vacation ... not even going to lie to you I know better so why do I put so much pressure on myself knowing that it makes me combust even quicker as a person lol if anything I have done terribly the whole time he's been gone foreal... not necessarily with eating but with my fucjin drinking... and alcohol has calories my friends, very many calories, especially in the quantities I use it... and it turns me into a dummy who thinks it's okay to consume everything. Ever. But the thoughts never go away or quiet down and im always returning here drunk or not. If I had an address it would be 22 catch street... im so tired lol

I'm fucjin disgusting and fat and I hate myself. I feel the fat on my body I hate that I feel like I can't sit or move right I feel so heavy and sluggish and weighed down... I just keep telling myself that none of it means anything because I'm going to die anyway and nothing is fucjin real.. like cute... fuuuccckkk ... ground control to major tom we're out of control, spiraling foreal for fuckkk sakeee