I think it was how much attention he gave me when we were younger. We had tried once and it didnāt work out well at all, he was still like a little kid- which is dumb to say because we were only 13. I felt bad because we were young and he shouldnāt have had to grow up to be with me but I think he forced himself to. He forced himself to grow up just a little so when he approached me again I would accept him.
I was grateful for his effort but he never stopped growing. I remember he took me behind the small building of the football field and stole kisses, it scared me but I thought that was normal. Every boy I had kissed had scared me up until that point, I let him scare me and he was happy, he had changed and he deserved those kisses. He told me he loved him and I couldnāt say it back, that was a grown up word that I knew I didnāt understand.Ā
He shunned me and was mad when I hung out with our mutual friend and we yelled at each other in front of our friends, it was embarrassing for them to see what he had said to me. It didnāt stop with an audience, in calls we had he would force my sadness and use other girls to bend me to what he wanted. I was 14, we were both 14 so why did he want things like this?Ā
He visited me while I was at a friends, she was him and his only supporter. We sat in her living room and he followed me with a screwdriver, chased me into the bathroom yelling and unlocked the door. He dropped the screw driver and cried.Ā
We were in the woods with my friend and he asked for the things he wanted over calls, his hands went to my pants and I fought back, my friend scolded me for not loving him the way he loved me. He claimed he felt 24 and I remembered wanting him to grow up. He excused me of hating him for not letting him touch me while we sat on my friendās grandmotherās couch. That labor day I followed him to the porch and he put his fingers in my mouth and tried to dislocate my jaw. Before we shot fireworks he had his hands wrapped around my throat. I could see the flip switch in his brown eyes and he let go and gave me a flower from the garden. He apologized and did nothing until we went on a date.. With my friend in tow.
We looked around the shop of the theme park and he told me he wanted to hurt me again, he was angry because my friend and I were joking about cow cute some boys were. I was 14 and he said āDo you want to feel high?ā. His hands were on my throat again and I saw the black spots described in books. They clouded his face and my friendās laughter rang with the thrumming of my heart. He stopped and I stumbled, he laughed and debated on buying me something.Ā
He called me names and said he went to another girl when I was mean, I decided I couldnāt be with him. But it was because he had told me he didnāt need me. I broke it off and when he didnāt leave me alone I blocked him. He told our friends lies about me and almost all blamed me. When high school started he followed me around and watched me. I confided in a friend and Iām happy I did, he believed everything I told him and he called the police. He told the police it was for my friend who had started dating the boy, but I knew it was for me. The boy wasnāt allowed to talk to me anymore.
Months later, I was with a new mistake. This mistake didnāt hurt me so it was ok. When the boy began messaging me the mistake defended me. The boy sent me songs of death and asked for my blood if I wanted him to leave me alone. I went to the police and I was shunned by my friends. I was the bad guy again. I was the bad guy but he was gone for a little while.Ā
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