hey g woujyumakmeasanwich

cupping my hands together in the shower over my tummy letting them fill with water and spill over pretending i'm a beautifully detailed statue fountain in sicily that was modeled after the sculptor's wife that tragically passed and he considers it his greatest loss and he never remarried and wept while thinking about her every night until he died and an eclectic, sort of geeky and awkward art history student just finished his final about me in which he said that several historians consider me the most beautiful statue fountain in the world, and while that is true, he's also been obsessed with me since he saw a picture of me in a library book when he was young and i'm part of the reason for his taste in women as an adult and he's going to use the college fund money he secretly put away to go to sicily with his girlfriend to come see me because i was the art piece that made her feel beautiful and finally comfortable in her own skin after years of feeling unloved because i look just like her (she is also hopelessly in love with me) and he gently caresses the wedding ring in his pocket smiling gently glancing over at her glowing face as she makes eye contact with me and finally feels like everything is going to be okay. then i get shampoo. in my eye

my mansion is in fucking shambles. my maids are incompetent and im not convinced they know how dishes work

You sweep them

NO!!!!!!!

Vacuum?

EAT!!!! YOU EAT OFF OF PLATES!!! AND THEN YOU WASH THEM!!!!!!!

ohhh i'm drink them. okay 💛

do NOT SWEEP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

And curling has pebbled ice! They spray the top layer more sparsely so it freezes as droplets, leaving the ice with a fine texture.

Very cool I did not know that!

Nobody calls each other “terminally online” anymore. I think that’s because everyone is terminally online now. Jobless too. And ugly as fuck. Stains all over our shirts. Stupid as well

"guilt-free cookie dough" glad to see we've finally stopped raising young cookies as catholics

OUT OF ME WAY LANDLUBBER I'M GONNA GET SOME

people really believe this? that's obviously a human archer

Trampoline

Can anyone explain wtf is going on here especially a Korean speaker

‎

That is one of the most astronomical fuck up translations I have ever seen.

Sawk-throw-a?

stop calling it a girl dinner and call it by its formal name: Fend For Yourself dinner in an ingredients household

coming up with sexual roleplay scenarios about growing up Upper-Middle Class

Hey, it looks like your parents aren't home because they're still at their Well-Paid White Collar Jobs...why not stop playing with that New Videogame Console and come have some real fun with me in your Bedroom You Don't Share With Any Siblings ;)

partially-managed mental illness is so fucking funny i'll be sitting around doing my job and suddenly think "wow i hate myself" and immediately get confused because, like, that's not TRUE! i love myself so much. who are you to talk to me like that

Wednesday the 15th. What an excellent day. Middle of the week, middle of the month. Truly, we are in the middle of things.