Heaven help a fool who falls in love

a lot can be said for being pulled into a group and being bombarded a lot with the retoric of fiction doesnt affect reality and a lot of reassurance that things were okay because of xyz but at the end of the day! its on me to make the call of what is and is not okay! and as an adult i need to use my critical thinking better and understand my actions affect people more than i realize. 

i really do want to get better and i am making steps to be better but i will step back from the rpc and be more aware of my actions. i’m sorry to everyone who has been hurt by this. i have no ill will to any of you and understand your choice in distancing. i hope you all know ive never had any intent in malice or anything toward any of you and really truly wasnt trying to hide anything from anyone  because im secretly doing bad things or something. i just wanted to move on and get better and that is also what i want to be doing now too.

im sorry for everyone hurt because i blocked and ran thinking i was trying to just move on like nothing happened. ive had fallouts with friends over less serious things that resulted in hateful paragraphs and death threats sent to me by people id considered close before and was scared that would be the next thing to happen in all of this. especially after not having anyone approach me after the callout was made. i wasnt trying to dismiss you guys or hide all of this under the rug i just reacted poorly and got scared and figured that was the right move but i know that its not now.

i will say that yeah a couple years back when i was stuck in my room as most people were i fell into a weird place. not me using that as an excuse just giving context. i had just gotten into rick and morty stuff and absolutely had no bad intentions at heart, just wanted to play with my friends. i did start out with a weird premise for my miami morty and someone did take it up with me at the time. i remember switching things aroundn with how i played my character after that but i really dont have an explanation for why i never changed that in the description or took the art down, i do regret it. especially because i did end up running into a weird group of other rick and morty rpers and yeah got roped into doing their thing and trying it and ended up not following through because i felt weird about the whole thing. obviously that sounds bad so yeah i didnt broadcast that. 

but the thing is that i also realized that what i was doing wasnt okay. i realized it later than i should have but i did get to a point where i felt awful about the whole thing and tried distancing myself from the fandom as a whole and tried to cut myself off entirely.

i also didnt really realize i still had my morty blogs. and me deleting them wasnt me trying to “hide evidence” it was genuinely me being like oh god i still have that and i hate that. but i know its too little too late.

and yeah deleting my old main blog looks fishy too but i dont use it! i used it 2 years ago and stopped touching. also idk what evidence you think was on there?? but i genuinely did want an art blog and was thinking about setting one up soon anyway and realized wow with this whole mess ill go ahead and do that now and delete another blog i dont use!

anyway. all of this is to say that i am sorry. i dont have an excuse besides im an adult and should think on my own a bit better than just following along with some people because  i was home alone and stupid. i want to do what i can to make things right. and thought i was making the right steps toward that. but if there is something else i can do i would like to. for now i will give my side and aknowledge i look gross and i understand if you want to have me blocked that’s totally understandable. and i am sorry if you feel like my actions have made you feel hurt or betrayed or like ive been malicious to you in any way.