Books and Auras

More than once now, Reza had felt reassured that he’d reached his lowest point post-vampirism. The time he’d followed someone all the way to their house by the sound of their pulse, the smell of their blood, only to retreat in utter shame when the person was greeted by two kids in the door – that had been his last ‘lowest point’.

It had only taken him two weeks to reach the newest low point.

Being at Mystery Loves Company had always felt like a safe haven, both figuratively and literally, keeping out all sorts of danger. For the last couple of years, Izel had been pretty much the only thing keeping him alive and for the most part, sane. The fact that he’d been actively avoiding her since returning to Ashkent Creek a few months ago was shameful, but it’d been too long now. Revealing to her now that he’d become the thing she’d been protecting him from… Reza was just too much of a coward to come clean.

Hence him sneaking around outside his once safe haven, trying to figure out the best way to break in.

He’d tried to go on without the stuff he’d left behind but it was long overdue for retrieval. Any sane grown-up would have just rang Izel up and asked to swing around but Reza considered himself to be neither, so breaking and entering was obviously his only option. His plans post-vampirism seemed to be getting worse by the day.

In the hopes of skipping the ‘breaking’ part of his plan, Reza had brought his bulky keychain along, hopeful that one of them still worked to the lock of the store. A few keys in, his hope was quickly fainting, the hairs on his back standing up in fear of someone – mostly Izel– spotting him.

Click.

Almost crying out in relief, Reza pocketed the keys and quietly let himself inside. His ears were halfpart tuned into his environment but he was still learning to control his senses; focusing solely on what was happening inside and around him instead of cars honking outside was far from easy.

Nostalgia filled his chest as he passed the counter, gently shutting the door behind him, ears twitching with tension. Reza longed to throw himself in the familiar lounge chair and just read and not have to strain his mind for just an hour or two. To feel normal again for an hour or–

Pain pierced through his brain and if vampires could bleed, Reza would have had no doubt that his ears had been dripping crimson from how bad they hurt right now. Hands desperately attempted to cover them as the noise continued to wail and only when he’d blocked the sound, if only a little bit, did Reza realize that the noise was an alarm. Izel had installed a security alarm and Reza had definitely woken her up now, along with the rest of the block.

Panicked, mouth drying up as the noise continued to slam against his sensitive eardrums, Reza stumbled towards the stairs. The pain and uproar were making him disoriented but if he could just get to his room and then escape out the window…

The door to the apartment was closed and Reza reluctantly removed one hand from his ears, instantly grimacing. Fuck, did it hurt.

Hand reached for the handle, Reza paused because… because what? Why? His panic rising, Reza tried again but… didn’t. He couldn’t open the door, couldn’t get into the apartment. His old apartment, because he wasn’t him anymore. He was a vampire and if he wanted his stuff back, he’d need a holy invite from Izel to enter. What a shitty, shitty plan indeed.

It wasn’t clear what woke her up, the beeping of an alarm on her bedside table, or Zaskia hissing and scratching at the door and generally making a fuss. Izel groaned and reached over to turn off her alarm, but it wasn’t 7.30 am. It was a breaking in type alarm. Her first instinct went to Nora, but that didn’t sound right. grabbing her dressing gown and phone and the ridiculous sword she’d won in that one raffle, she let Zaskia out and hurried downstairs. Just as Izel reached the bottom floor, she heard the main, full building alarm starting to blare and winced, her knee almost giving as she held the sword in front of her. There were laboured footsteps in the store. “Hey, who’s there!” She yelled, heart pounding, knowing that if the alarm rang another minute or the security company would be called. The security company her dad had once worked for.

Whoever is was stopped at the door way but didn’t come any further. Through the frosted glass all she could see was a silhouette. No aura. Possibly no invite. She leant in carefully to the eye piece and squinted at the distorted figure on the other side.

“Look, back away from the door. I have a ridiculously sharp sword that I pretty much know how to use and if you don’t leave soon I will call a Slayer who has experience with zombies. So my bases are covered and you really really need to-

“Reza?” It was. The planes of his face were sharper and no longer sagging. His skin paler and almost dusty. There were no rings under his bright, shining eyes. They were scrunched up in response to the siren, and she could hardly blame him, but she hesitated in turning it off. Reza was in Pakistan, or dead, given how he never answered his emails anymore. Reza could have just come in, this was his home. Or it had been. Might have been more of a motel for all of a goodbye he gave it and her. Convenient, useful for -

Oh.

Like a pricked balloon, she deflated all at once, the recognition vanishing and morphing into something worse. Her heart started hammering and the tip of the sword dropped to the floor, slicing an inch into the tiles before stopping. “You’re from Ashford,” she stated softly, failing to hide all the weight that came with it. There was only ever one. Her dad or the man who occasionally hovered in the doorway, staring, judging, before leaving again. Her mother or the lady who lived in Peru and didn’t even speak English. Reza, or a burglaring vampire. She glanced at her feet, safely on the inside of the threshold. “What are you doing here?” The alarm continued to blare. Zaskia continued to hiss at her ankles. Gently, she pushed the cat away from the door with her foot.

Izel’s voice reaching Reza’s ears cut him deeper then the blaring alarm ever would and he could have sworn that his immobile heart startled. All the energy drained from him, he simply stood motionless as footsteps neared the door, the shrill alarm still filling the space. This wasn’t how he’d imagined announcing this to Izel and as much as he wanted to escape, to sprint away and hide from his problems a little longer, he couldn’t. Izel’s silhouette was already visible on the other side of the stained glass and Reza’s mouth went dry.

For a moment, it seemed, she didn’t have a clue who he was. Her threat to call a slayer did confirm that yes, Reza no longer had an aura. Something he’d known would happen but still managed to surprise him. It had been something of a comfort, knowing that Izel could literally see the person he was; could reassure him that things weren’t as bad as he usually assumed. Now, her guess was as good as anyone’s.

“Reza?” Izel’s tone changed completely, tearing Reza’s heart in two. He really did have a lot of explaining to do. With everything he could have said, Reza only stayed silent, tongue turned to lead in his mouth. In hindsight, he should have started explaining before Izel continued, since her assumptions were far worse than Reza could have imagined. In her head, the only plausible situation where Reza was a vampire, had happened in another universe. Question was, could he just let her believe that?

The door creaked open, just barely, but enough for Reza’s ears to pick up on the hissing inside. Zaskia was… hissing at him?

“I’m…” Reza started, still at a loss for words. This wasn’t at all what he’d planned on this evening; he wasn’t prepared for this. Dark eyes moved to the cat by her feet, looking at Reza with distrust, an expression shared by Izel herself. “Can you turn off the alarm? Please, this is… I’ll explain everything, I just can’t… think!” He shouted, head pounding from the physical and emotional pain trying to run over his mind like a tank. All he wanted at that moment was to hold his cat once again, or to sit with Izel on the couch, watching an easy fantasy. What he didn’t want was to admit to Izel what he’d become, uncertain of whether or not she’d understand. He wasn’t sure his heart could take her judgement, if it was negative.

Izel stared at the crack in the door for a long second, her gaze an off brand attempt at being cold, before sighing and looking at Zaskia. "Ven aqui cariñito," she murmured as she scooped the hissing cat up, extra careful not to get scratch. "Shhhh, buena chica, buena chica, tranquilo, shhhh. I'll be back in a moment, but you are not welcome in." Her heart sank as she stepped away from the door and carefully carried Zaskia to the kitchen. "Stay here cariñito, shhh" Izel instructed, lowering the cat to the floor. Zaskia raced away and jumped onto the nest area of her scratching post, hackles still raised and facing where Reza was, hidden by walls. "Yo tambien." Izel pressed her fists into the table, knuckles white as she struggled to catch the semblances of herself and put them together. This happened all the time. Ashford stole people. She might have caught Reed but that didn't make a difference. Hot tears stung her cheeks as she slammed her fist into the desk hard enough to startleZaskia. Her body ached and was slow as she pushed herself upright, resisting her as she walked back to where the other Reza, the non Reza was, closing doors behind her to keep Zaskia safely out of harm's way. She turned off the alarm and winced as she raised her arm to lift a small decorative crucific off the wall, and slowly made it back to Reza, opening the door enough so that he could see her but stood so it was clear he wasn't welcome in. "Explain, before I call someone who will stake you no questions asked."

The ringing in Reza's ears came as a blessing, replacing the shrieking alarm. It was quiet, almost, but if Reza's hearing hadn't been compromised, he would have been able to hear the pounding heartbeat nearing the door. It creaked open and he straightened his back, the pain now a distant memory -- the physical pain, at least. His heart felt completely useless, shattered even, because Izel was staring at him like a cockroach. Cowering away from the crucific, Reza realized he had no idea where to start. "Izel... I'm not..." Should he lie and tell her he was from Ashford? It would make things easier, maybe, than explaining all of his decisions up to this point. No. He'd been enough of a coward, avoiding her for this long, he wasn't going to insult her with another pathetic lie. "I'm not from Ashford River, it's... me. The one who went to Pakistan without... without a goddamn word of warning to you. I'm the Reza that was too much of a fucking coward to come find you when I moved back here because I'm.... I'm not me. I'm not what you'd have wanted to return from Pakistand and now everything's... fucked." Hands rubbing his face, brushing away tears forming in the crook of his eyes because he had no right to play some sort of victim here. He'd done everything wrong up to this point.

Izel 's knuckles grew white around the crucifix, as she listened with an icy breath caught in her chest. Her eyes were glue to his mouth, uncomprehending of the words coming out of them. Perhaps she was waiting to see a flash of white fangs, or see the lie as it slithered its way out. She'd been caught by his lies too often before, but when she searched for them, he couldn't hide them. At least, not her Reza, but this Reza could be a snake in sheep's clothing and how would she know? "Cut the self-pitying," she said, her voice wavering too much for it to be vicious and too quiet to be hard. Her eyes bored into him long after he'd stopped speaking, staring without seeing. The hallway clock ticked away the seconds, unfeeling and harsh to her ears as he wiped away tears. It was only then that Izel looked away, eyes dropping to his wringing hands as her mouth became a thinner and thinner line. "How long." Her eyes flicked up with new fire blazing in them. "How long have you been back in Ashkent?"

 The harsh statement from Izel's lips hurt worse than the stake that had once been embedded into Reza's hand, despite its low volume. It didn't quite reach the voice she'd used while talking or referring to Heath but the similarities were striking. Despite all he'd done, Izel had never treated him like this. The silence was deafening, more so than the fucking alarm, and Reza wanted to run with every cell of his being. And then the question he'd been dreading more than any other. He could have lied, except for the fact that he'd never been able to lie to Izel. Being a vampire wouldn't change that and she really did deserve better. "A couple of... months." Shrinking together in shame, he wondered if he'd crossed the line for good now; maybe there was no coming back from this. "I get it, if you don't want any explanation. If you don't want me back at all. I get it." Of course he'd understand. Even though the thought of never seeing Izel again made him feel ill.

A lump in Izel's throat formed so sharply she choked around it, twisting away to cough in the crook of her elbow, until she tasted the faintest hint of copper. Izel closed her mouth and swallowed until it had completely vanished before she turned back to him. No point in have him gnashing at the doorway. "Stop it," she said again, looking right at him. There was a loud clack of wood smacking wood as her hand jerked the crucifix into the door. "So I guess you're returning for your things? They're -hgggggh- right where you left them, in the guys' room. But I guess it was better to let me think I'd been burgled than you seeing me." She tapped her foot agains the floor, looking at him right in the eye. "So when did you die?"

Reza cringed away from Izel violently jerking the crucifix around. Nothing in her eyes seemed to be softening, her stance still guarded, a contrast to Reza's vulnerable and pathetic body language. "Late May. In Pakistan. On purpose." Talking about this for the first time was... rough. Especially considering the circumstances. "And you're telling me you wouldn't have wanted to avoid this situation?" Maybe not the right thing to say but he'd known how she'd react, how hurt and disappointed she'd be so her thinking he was dead -- actually dead-- really had seemed like the better alternative.

Izel nodded, looking down her darkened hallway as it was more comforting than looking at him. It was easier than calming the tempest inside her. "I'm glad you got to choose." She'd only just calmed the tempest to a storm when he felt the need to open his mouth again. "Yes, I would have preferred to not have you break into my home to avoid me. Maybe a phone call, or an email. But I guess if you didn't think I could handle a goodbye, then what should I expect? Never mind the fact that we were relying on you with the shop or anything. So yes, I would have preferred anything to meeting you like this, but you didn't give me any choice!"

His eyes closed as Izel threw one accusation after the other, each one truer than the last. Reza hadn't been doing this for her, had he? He was selfish and scared and, apparently, willing to hurt anyone -- including Izel-- if it meant that he could hide from the real world a little bit longer. That's all he was doing at this point; hiding and pretending everything was fine while the people he'd called his friends before suffered. "I didn't," he finally replied, voice cracking before he cleared his throat. "I didn't give you any choice because I was scared and... and... self-centered and selfish. I didn't wanna deal with stuff because the stuff was hard so I just... didn't and you deserved better than that. I guess maybe you thought I was maturing but turns out I'm not. At all. I was... fuck, I was more responsible with my life when Heath was alive than I am now." Reza laughed, a cold, harsh sound, as he shook his head. "And I'm sorry. For dragging you into this and then treating you like... I don't even fucking know, I took you for granted and I'm sorry." Rubbing his face, head reeling, Reza finally looked up at Izel. "I don't deserve everything you've done for me, I really don't, because you're just... you're family, but I sure as fuck didn't act like you were."

It would have been easy to forgive him. To calm down and let him in and tell him evrerything would be forgiven. Izel desperately wanted to reach out and hold him and his begging was slowly breaking her heart. It was easier to treat herself as a doormat, if it weren't for the anger burning through her. "I do deserve better than this." She injected, crossing her arms tightly. His puppy dog eyes had lost their softness a long time ago, and while she could hear the grief in his voice, it sounded... hollow. "I deserve to know that you're not dead, I deserve more than a note in the night, and I definitely deserve better than you throwing yourself a pity party at ungodly o'clock because you got caught." She was bristling now. "Has it occurred to you that right now, this isn't about you and how bad you feel? Are you really asking me to listen to your feelings right now, to carry them and comfort you? Because that's what it sounds like right now. I am not some receptacle for your guilt about how you treat me."

For a brief second, it seemed like Izel's anger was fading, or at the very least being pushed aside for something else. That second didn't drag on for very long and Reza physically recoiled away from Izel's waves of anger. This isn't about you and how bad you feel. His mouth formed a tight line; no attempts at interrupting her. She was right, about everything and what he was doing, what he was attempting to do here without even realizing it, it was... it was basically emotional blackmail. He really was no better than the person -- the thing he despised the most. "I... I'm going to fix this." Eyes on the ground, fists clenched, he came to a resolution. "You won't forgive me and you shouldn't, but maybe I can do... something to make things okay." Before Izel had a real chance to respond, Reza was back at the store's entrance, hand on the doorknob. "Thanks for keeping Zaskia for me."