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Today's Document

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@opeepopeepo

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I held hands with V last night. I've never formally dated a girl so this is new for me. I'm glad I'm still able to grow into myself at 33. My birthday was a few days ago and sometimes I feel the anxiety of aging. But then I think about all the things I haven't done yet and how I can still do those things while I'm young and able. And not everyone gets to grow old... I bought a ticket to Dallas at the end of May. No internship this year, it's looking like. I wanna get more tattoos soon. Maybe while I'm traveling
Doge
us three goths went shopping at the mall
Today I woke up to Lisa sneezing loudly because she has allergies. I couldn't fall back asleep. I've been taking a new antidepressant the past few days. My doctor told me to wait a week for my antipsychotic to level out, but I was so miserable I started it immediately. I feel more energetic and less able to sleep, but I'm also irritable, dehydrated, and feel as if I drank three cups of coffee this morning although I've had none.
I went to school early and got some work done. I was feeling weirdly euphoric, but I didn't have physical symptoms until about noon. I worked on a couple projects. One I'm grinning and bearing, the other I'm enjoying a lot but I'm afraid it's not my best work. It feels like nothing is ever good enough, but that's a separate issue.
Around 1 my symptoms peaked. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating. I became very fidgety and unable to write anything. Everyone's chatter was amplified and felt very distracting. I became irritated at this, so I went outside for a bit. I sat in the sun and tried to breathe. I forget to box breathe, though I know I should. I watched a preying mantis fall from a tall eucalyptus and slowly crawl. It was horrible and I was in a weird state and I just felt super bad.
I need to call my doctor tomorrow and tell them my antidepressant might be triggering a manic episode again. I would prefer not to be psychotic and go to the hospital again. I really hope we can find some kind of option for me, because the days have been becoming increasingly unmanageable.
This past month I've been making it a point to finish work early. I'm in the studio by myself most mornings and get a lot done. It's been lonely, but I've been able to avoid staying up late. I read a new theory that bipolar disorder may be a type of sleep disorder. That makes sense. I don't think I ever realized it before, but after all my all nighters, I would feel weirdly energetic, as if I had slept all night. I thought this was just a quirk, turns out, it's a symptom.
The drugs have dulled me quite a bit, and I was in a bad depressive episode prior to the antidepressant. I was having trouble feeling alive. Every morning I commute to school, I don't even bother putting on music. It feels like a churn, or it makes me feel psychotic. I've just been existing... It really sucks. I've been isolating myself because I can't hold conversations. My brain moves at a molasses pace.
I've also struggled with my creativity, which has made school tougher. Some days are better than others, but I'm not as quick as I'm used to being. Making work feels effortful. To be fair, it's felt effortful all year. It could just be my condition, or that I had a psychotic episode recently, or my meds.
...obviously I've been ruminating too.
The worst part is the loneliness and alienation I feel. I try to explain to others how difficult it's been, but I don't think they quite understand what I mean. It's not that people haven't been supportive, but I think they may be getting sick of me talking about it. I don't know. I feel so helpless. There isn't an answer here. I have to live with this thing and I wish I did not. The stupid thing is that I've lived with this since I was a kid, probably. I was untreated for a long time, how the fuck was I managing?
I wasn't, in hindsight. It's always taken me more effort to do things other people do easily, like go to school and hold a job. Sometimes I do quite well. I feel really stable and at ease. But I slip, and when I slip, I ruin the things I built in my stability. The meds should help with that.
I also can't drink, or smoke weed, or stay up late, or have coffee. It all exacerbates my condition and increases my risk for an episode. Do you see what I'm saying? My lifestyle has prioritized my health at the cost of living more casually, and the meds make it hard to talk to others. Like duh, of course I'm depressed?

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Grumpy today
Coney Island
Prohibition era wine bricks
today’s date is the 3rd? what’s next, the 4th? the 5th? the minor fall, the major lift?
I'm in so much danger, I made the mistake of googling the lawyer I started seeing and they got someone out of prison who served 40 years for a crime they didn't commit. I'm over here like, 'today I succeeded in getting up and not letting my bipolar insanity win'
I will say that this is inspiring me to be more intentional about my design practice. I'm taking an environmental design class this semester. I want my politics to be more obvious.

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Noticing when my ego flares up and wants conflict over almost nothing
I did tell this guy I was bipolar and sober... He heard all that right???
Lol someone at a meeting the other day said dating someone in recovery doesn't mean the odds are good, but the goods are odd 🫠
???????? Went on a date with a hot lawyer guy who is nice and smart and he wants to see me again??????
Idk sounds fake bro
Starry, starry night.
We love beautiful books, such as this one: Orientalism: the Orient in Western Art by Gérard-Georges Lemaire, N 8712.E88L45 2013. This work. called In the Palace of the Queen of the Night, was done by Karl-Friedrich Schinkel in 1815. Gif by Julian McBain. The book is found in James Branch Cabell Library on VCU’s Monroe Park campus.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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oh look, it's the mania theme song
Agnes Pelton - Winter, 1933, oil on canvas, 30 × 28 in