A New Blog From The Shadows

This is where I was exactly five years ago, May 7, 2011: 1. Graduation Ceremony 2. Me with my father 3. Me with my Uncle Matt 4. Me accepting my bachelor’s degree in psychology, cum laude (GPA - 3.71) 5. From left to right: Uncle Chris, my mother, my stepfather, my cousin Bella, my best friend from high school Dawn, and my best friend from college Nan 6. From left to right: Nan, my mother, me, and Dawn 7. Me with the famous couch as Dawn was sitting on it

I wish someone would just look at me and say, “You know what? I can completely understand where you’re coming from. After all, you just lost 16 clients who you felt very close to as you were working in home health care. It does feel like you lost your family and that must be lonely. I’m here for you and want you to understand that you can see them/talk to them whenever you can… if that is what they want.” I wish more people gave a damn about my career choice and gave more of a damn about it. I wish that I could make friends and find comfort in knowing that I can keep them and not have to move away from them all the time. Well, not this time. I move WHEN I WANT TO HOW I WANT TO, and not because I’m forced to. I mean, I like Athens okay, but I didn’t want to be here honestly. I would have rather been in Roswell, GA where rent wouldn’t be stupid high and that I could still keep my relationships that I built up so much. And everyone wants me to stop feeling angry that I am isolated and that I have a hard time adjusting to stuff. They’re the crazy ones, not me. They’re fucking driving me crazy with all of this moving and other bullshit. And when I want to discuss something that hurts me, it seems that I am wrong and that my pain doesn’t matter. And everyone wonders why I want to be alone sometimes.  I tell myself that it will be okay here. The people at the leasing office and the maintenance crew have been really welcoming and nice to me. I wrote them a card showing my appreciation. But if it weren’t for them, I’m serious… I would have jumped out of my bedroom window. I’ve just had enough of a lot of stuff. I love my fiancé and everything, but I don’t always agree with him. In fact, for the past two months, I haven’t been agreeing with him. He doesn’t understand that I can’t just leave my friends behind cold turkey. He doesn’t realize how much pain I’m in. No matter how much I try to tell him, he just becomes deafer and deafer. So I pretend I’m happier than I really am. Just for survival. Just not to disappoint. But there are those bright moments when I’m actually happy and when he is happy.  Maybe I’ll be happier in later posts and will get used to this big change, but right now, I’m not. I’m not very happy right now. I’ll admit it. I haven’t been happy since the end of January 2016. So much has been hanging over my head, and it has been nothing but hellish dealing with other people. My ex-clients thought I wasn’t fighting hard enough for them, and my fiancé thought that I didn’t give a damn about him. And everyone wonders why I am going crazy. I wish everyone would leave me alone for a while so that I can get my head on straight. I’m worn out with everyone’s shit.  Xara Nahara O’Connor P.S: Another reason I haven’t decided to jump out of my bedroom window and say hell with my life that can’t get started is because my fiancé is much happier. He isn’t stuck in an apartment building where there is a bunch of noise while I’m working my ass off to try to support the stupid high rent. At least he can go outside without hearing our neighbors goofing off. I have to think about that, and I do… but sometimes, I am a bit more selfish than I care to admit. Maybe it’s all of the stress I was/am under.