🥀

I don't know where to go, who to talk to, who's on my side. I've surrounded myself for so long with selfish people that don't deserve my healing, or who cannot be healed by me. I have suffered so much in the last year and I can't pour out to anyone anymore, from standing up and not getting vaccinated to try to fight for my brother and against medical malpractice, losing everyone in that process who has called me selfish after losing a friend in Ireland after the second dose from a heart attack (he was 23) and now realizing I am running out of time and have to get it, those who aren't are now shunning me as well and treating me like I turned against them. My brother has lost so many people from suicide in the last few months and his seizures have been so bad I'm afraid of losing him to brain injury or suicide. I feel so small in these situations I think I can help in, but when they arise I can't. My PTSD is so bad from trying to keep him alive a few weeks ago and anytime I try to talk about it with anyone I'm reminded he has it much harder than I do and my whole family is falling apart. I'm so thankful for my love and partner, but the only way up is out and we need to leave to be happy, but I need to be here right now for my family as he tries to heal the trauma. I am writing this to return to later to remind myself it did get better, but I'm hoping to return to this post sooner than later and on good terms. My life is really fucked, I can't control any of it. 2018 was a breeze in perspective. I've fought so hard I just want to hide and sleep forever.