broken wings

im sorry about the fact i took your stupid.  hint.  and that i started getting passive aggressive(???) in response to it.  in public.  where mabel ended up seeing it.  im sorry that i ruined that good thing for you, that one thing you had in your life, stable and just all around good.  maybe in the end, youre okay with it, but it was still incredibly stupid.  my fault.  my bad.  i should have taken it elsewhere from the start.  i knew that.  i think, the end result ... while not exactly what i wanted, was kind of.  what, maybe deep, deeeep deep down, is.  what i wanted out of that.  knowing that i could have that chance, maybe.  i guess.

... not that i do now.  lmao.

im sorry i come off like ... i dont like him.  my reasoning, although entirely stupid!!! ... is just, you know.  the obvious ... yeah, im jealous, and.  i havent actually talked to him, because im just, incredibly awkward about talking to new people and the second i knew he even existed, it wasnt as just.  your friend, it was as that guy you were going to catch dinner and a movie with.  a guy who was suddenly an option.

im sorry that im so immature about everything.  i did want to try getting to know that group of friends you have.  now, i think they all hate me, so.  sorry about that, too.  i ... was starting to make an effort, but i guess im not too good at that whole thing.

um.  ... sorry for ... cornering you, like that?  i just ...  i dont even know what .. i was thinking, exactly.  pretty sure i wasnt.  its not much of an excuse to say, hey.  medicated out of my mind, just kinda did whatever i felt like at the moment without considering how anyone else would feel about it!! ... but i guess thats all i really have to explain myself, and its stupid and i am aware its entirely stupid, and.  im sorry.

thats starting to lose meaning.  ‘im sorry.’  i keep saying it, over and over, but.  i am.  to you, to morty.  lost my best friend, and my boyfriend, in one ... stupid fell swoop.  over one incredibly stupid thing.  but, we always knew i was never that smart to begin with, so i guess on some level, its not a surprise at all.

um.

... youve been ... nothing short of amazing, in all the time ive known you.  i could have never asked for a better friend.  youve always been there when i needed you to be, and even when i didnt want you to be, but really needed it beyond my stupid stubbornness.  you always know ... what to say, how to say it.  youve always been a lot better than me with words, when it comes to it.

i can write an essay with the best of them, getting teachers praising me and my vocabulary and vernacular, but.  when its stuff like this?  yeah.  right.  i dont know what im doing.  thats your shtick.

anyway.  i just want to thank you.  really.  for being there for me despite how hard that had to have been a lot of times.  for looking out for me.  for giving me the chances that i did have, being friends with you, seeing places and doing things with you ...  just.  yeah.  thanks, for everything.