em

I only have 1 term left in college... I am actually graduating soon...

“I shouldn't have gone there”, she thought. If only her sister didn't beg her into going, she could've avoided a huge confrontation with her mother. She remembered how her sister, Carrie, changed her mind yesterday. You see, Carrie invited Julia out for lunch, and later on when they were in Julia's apartment, Carrie begged her to come home. When Julia was reluctant, Carrie didn't care if she was hurting Julia's feelings with her words.

"We're burying our father tomorrow! The man who raised you, and you don't even want to see him one last time?" Carrie argued, well more like pleaded.

"What's the point in seeing him? He's already a dead man?" Julia answered halfheartedly.

"You know what? All your life, you've been telling yourself you didn’t want to end up like mom once you grew up, but looking at you now, you've somehow become worse than her. Have fun with your life." Carrie said and left her apartment.

Julia inserted her car keys in the keyhole and once the engine hummed to life, she drove.

At first she was unsure of her destination; it was rather difficult to think of a place to go since it was the middle of the night. Suddenly, she thought of the one person who wouldn't mind her company.

I know a lot of people struggle with taking what they know about handling stress or emotions and actually doing it. But honestly, I feel like I’m having a much harder time with this than what seems normal. It’s not just being stuck—it’s like, I get so frustrated and end up feeling kind of alone in it all.

It makes me wonder if there’s more to it, you know? Like, maybe there’s something deeper going on that’s making all these usual strategies not really work for me. I’d love to figure out why this gap between what I know and what I can actually do feels so huge for me, and if there are any specific tricks that could help with whatever it is I’m dealing with.

Seriously, please don’t ask him for advice about life anymore when you’re feeling down and down and down-er.

You already know he believes in you, so you don’t need to hear him say it again. It’s always going to be the same—he believes in you, he knows you can do it, and all you need to do is believe in yourself, too.

I think I’ve overeaten today. The burping wouldn’t stop, and as if that wasn’t enough, I decided to get chips to go with my milk tea. Bad idea. The burping got worse, and at some point, it went so wrong that I kinda…vomited. Gross, I know, but weirdly enough, it was sort of relieving? Like, not that I recommend it, but it felt oddly satisfying.

Even though, all I could think about was how my throat’s probably suffering from this and my teeth might just fall out if I keep doing this. Also, the waste! The food, my money—ugh, I just puked out a whole Thai tea! But honestly, it felt…nice. It was disgusting to see my dinner like that, but suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore and didn’t feel too full either.

So… is that a win?

if i say your name three times, will you come to me? 

its like a chant trying to calm the waves

i swear your name is like a melody, 

i wanna break the rules so badly

i have so much to tell you but— 

an open letter:

they’re saying that they’re proud of me for taking this step-- especially because I did it myself. but I don’t feel that at all, I just feel emptier and more scared and more lost and confused. 

someone also said that this action won't make me stop thinking about you, but that’s the thing. I don’t think I can ever be done thinking about you... I’ll always have my what ifs and moments where I’ll miss you and feel sad I couldn’t say what I wanted to say to you. but it’s also still hard if I let myself get away with those dopamine boosts because we’re eating off breadcrumbs and I think that’s bad since well, I still feel confused. like how all of those made me feel so happy and I really couldn’t stop smiling but the impending guilt was always still by the shore. this action i made, may it be too impulsive and harsh, is my failsafe for now since i have no self-control.

as cheesy as it sounds, I need to reconfigure my morals and find out what I really truly want without the expectations of the future and the fears of my past. I think, as much as I hate it, I really need to dive into the uncertainty of everything so that I can at least be a little sure in whatever I do think of doing. lastly, i think though this would be my last artificial interaction with you in this space we agreed upon as well. 

: i wont hurt you, i promise you that because i know i love you 

: i trust you on that, but the thing is, when i let myself love you even more, i think ill get hurt if ever i hurt you. and im scared of that 

: what are you saying?

I had a goal of waking up at 8AM consistently this year, but now I don’t see the point.

Two reasons made me want to do it: (1) I would spend more time with someone in the morning and sleep when they sleep at night, and (2) it felt good having all day to do everything I needed to do and to chill before the 0:00 comes.

After our farewell, I tried to keep the habit of sleeping and waking up early even without reason #1, but it’s so hard. For the past days, waking up at 8AM was awfully lonely, especially when my friends were not online. It made me feel the void even more. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind not having the company of my friends, it’s the fact that I kept remembering the old routine I would’ve done in those hours like the busy mornings filled with work or the random conversations filled with smiles, laughs, or tears-- all those gone. 

I wanted to keep the habit because I knew reason #2 really made me productive before, but now, I always either end up staring at a blank screen, breaking down and crying, or watching a new/old series/film to cope.

“yeah, i’ll make it through,” she said again as she hiccuped another sob. she tried to raise her chin and grin a little as well-- as if trying to put on a brave face, but tears keep streaming down her face.  “i’ll cherish our memories, and retell our stories. you will always have a piece of my heart and i will always love you, i promise you that.”

“you promised me though that you will never let go, how am i sure that you won’t ever stop?” he joked.

1: promise you’ll never let me go?

2: i promise 

but things happened, that we both broke it and i know you never wanted to break the one i asked you to... 

2: i’ll let you go now, okay?