CC + Diary

April! EK is 2.5 months and I go back to work in 1 month. Where did time go? EK is changing so much every week and it’s been so fun to see him make sense of the world around him, little by little. Like this past week, he started sucking on his fist and I read that it means that he’s discovered he has hands! Isn’t that so interesting? At one point, we didn’t realize we had hands! In some moments, I feel like I’m seeing the world through EK’s eyes and I have an increasing appreciation of how God’s designed us and the world around us.

If I were to recall the themes and most vivid memories of the past month, I think it’d be 1) nursing 2) DK returning to work 3) increased selfawareness (read: pride & lots of sin) and 4) house progress!

House progress is quick to cover, so I’ll start with that. We wrote out the deposit check to our awaiting home in Feb sometime and we’re tentatively moving in August. It’s a spacious house that will have many empty rooms for a few years until we have more kids (haha plural maybe???) who are old enough to sleep in their own room, but the neighborhood and surrounding city is promising. We’ll be there for the next 25 years or so, which I say nonchalantly to friends, but wow, 25 years! That’s pretty crazy. I’ve never known anything about my life that far out haha. One of the things that IS really significant is how we came to search and buy a home. For some context for future self - the housing market is crazy at the moment. Excerpt from Business Insider article here: 

“Houses continue to sell above asking price in general, with the sale-to-list price ratio increasing 1.9% from 2020 to a record high of 100.2%. On the whole, a record 39% of houses sold above their list prices — a 15% increase from 2020.

Those in the market for houses also had to move fast if they wanted to actually snag a property: Of the homes under contract, 58% had an offer within two weeks of hitting the market, another record high. Sixty-one percent of homes sold in under two weeks or less for the week ending March 21.”

In other words, there is high demand and low supply so prices are skyrocketing and even if you can afford and overpriced home, you have to be FAST. We have friends who have been looking since last fall and viewed over 25 homes, put in 5 bids, and still haven’t found a home. What points to God in our house search is this: because DK’s company forced him to go into the office physically during the pandemic, we decided it was time for him to quit after 4 years and we’d use the opportunity to move out of LA. Back then, we both resented his company so much - he lost respect for its leaders and it sounded like most of the employees were unhappy. Everyday was a drag. But, if he had been allowed to WFH, we wouldn’t have started looking for a new home and from what business trends are forecasting, the housing market might be this way for the 2-5 years!

It took us a few weeks to uncover this truth. That God kept him at that company during a time that seemed so unnecessary, in order to open the door to our forever home. PTL for this luxury!

And tying to the home...that’s a lot of money! And after the home is furnishing the home. Nothing frivolous but there are some pieces we need to throw out and replace, so more money leaving our wallets. It’s made me extra sensitive to our finances which has always been a sore spot for me. Big purchases (our wedding, our car, now the home) always results in some sort of a tense conversation between me and DK. Bless him, because he is so patient with me, but of course, he gets exasperated. I’ve had to come to terms with this, over and over again: do not idolize finances. I used to think wanting to save up was not an idol. Frugality was not an idol. But you can easily interchange frugality with greed. Or insecurity. Only recently, did I confront this head on, that I DO idolize our finances. Why else would our discussions about buying & spending end up in sort of tension? Why else would I end up near tears at the car dealership? It’s embarrassing how I act in those conversations with DK but I’m working on it and I repent every other day because of it. I guess the one thing I can be grateful for is that God is helping me through it. I have 28 years of this idol to undo but He has a lot of grace that I see through DK and how faithful God has been to me and my family over the years. Another PTL moment, right?

02.11.21

Post partum weight loss journey - here we go!

Photos are the best before/after full body shots I could find. Before I think I weighed between 113-115 and after I’m 125!

Started a shared IG account with another friend just for accountability. My goal is to comfortably fit into my jeans again but who knows if that’s possible with the post partum belly.

02.09.21

My mornings lately. Also, BLESSSSS living in this 21st century when hands free breast pumps are a thing.

02.08.21.

I wish I was a YouTuber or some type of content creator during mat leave. Whenever ek is napping and all the chores are done, I don’t know what to do and I end up watching more Gilmore Girls episodes than I want to or refreshing Instagram for the hundredth time.

So instead, I’ll use these random pockets of downtime and boredom to write. Maybe one day, I’ll muster up the courage and determination needed to make a YouTube video or self promote but for now, I’ll hide in this private corner.

***

Ek crossed 3 weeks of life yesterday, which also means dk has 3 weeks until he returns to work (dreading). Time is so funny these days. The days kind of blend together but each one is dotted with such happy moments.

When ek locks eyes on my face, or curls up on my chest. When dk plays with ek’s feet, or talks to ek as he’s being burped. When his head rolls around from drinking enough milk. When dk’s brought him into our bed, and he’s swallowed up by the big comforter. When his face contorts to 10 different expressions in a matter of seconds. When his fast breaths finally slow to the deep, calm sighs, signaling he’s fallen asleep. When ek wails and immediately calms when I pick him up.

Not even three days since I’ve last written and I have so many emotions to unload! 

Before ek was born, I just assumed I’d nurse. Not only did I presume this was just naturally going to happen but I also wanted this to happen. While we were in the post partum unit, nurses periodically checked in to see if he’d feed but he’d always be fast asleep and after a good 20 (?) hours, he just had to be fed. So one of the nurses, Theresa, showed me how to feed him through formula, my pinky, and a syringe. Feeling ek’s little mouth suckle on my pinky, while simultaneously drinking the milk from the syringe, was fascinating. He was hungry! And because he was so little, it was weirdly cute too. 

When we got discharged, we took home breast pump parts, more formula and syringes. I figured this was just for the next few days until my milk came in and until ek & I found our groove (oh no, I’m getting choked up as I write this!). So nights 1 & 2 in LA, DK & I alternated feeding ek through the syringe and hyped on the new parent adrenaline, it was fine.

Come our 3-day appointment, ek finally latched while we were at the pediatric clinic. A lactation consultant came to our room and with just a couple of quick moves - fluffy pillow on my lap, ek pushed up against me, squeezing my chest - he nursed continuously for 15 minutes. I was amazed! He ate so well and I felt so...significant, as if I understood this other purpose in my life.

We went home afterward and I was pumped. “I can do this! That was so easy! I was just doing it wrong this whole time.”

Ha. 

For the next 2 weeks, I struggled. We struggled, I should say. I attempted to nurse, before relenting to the bottle, each time. Some feedings, I’d try for 2 minutes. Others, 15 minutes to 30 minutes. Ek would wail and wail, and I’d try again and again. Squeeze, massage, and hope he’d latch. Squeeze, massage, hope. Squeeze, massage, hope.

I decided I needed a new game plan. During the late night feedings, I’d read endless articles and tips on how to successfully breastfeed. Many said that once you introduce the bottle, it discourages baby from nursing so I woke up that morning, reinvigorated, and announced to DK, “No more bottles! We’re just going to power through and he’ll learn!”

That day was miserable. The wailing was tenfold. The “feeding” sessions, which were more like wrestling matches, stretched to an hour and increased in frequency because he wasn’t getting enough milk (I think). DK withdrew into his games - he couldn’t really do anything anyway - and my will crumbled by the end of the day.

DK & I had had this conversation multiple times, about pumping/bottle feeding for convenience, but I held out in hopes of successfully nursing. After the day, though, I decided I needed to let it go. The many attempts, even if they were short, messed with my head and heart. Not of guilt, but it was my holding out that kept me feeling like a failure each time it didn’t work. My pride and determination of knowing that in my past endeavors, as long as I tried and worked hard, I’d succeed, pushed me to continue. But I knew - and know - I was on the verge of crying every time I “failed”. 

In this case, it felt better to just close the door so I didn’t have to “fail” and save myself the humiliation? the disappointment? the sadness? (here come the tears!). 

So today, we’re exclusively pumping and I have to remind myself that 1) I’m still providing in other ways. I’m still a mother! 2) ek won’t remember how he was fed - wanting to breastfeed is really just a personal desire and 3) as inconvenient pumping may seem, as lonely and lifeless pumping may be in the middle of the night, how blessed am I? There’s a baby waiting to be fed by his mom, whether that’s through the breast or the bottle, formula or breastmilk!

This is one of the few times in my life I realize that no matter how hard I try, it may just not work out the way I want it to. More LC appointments or many more months of trying may have solved it, but this is the decision I made for my sake and in a way, my little family’s. And I need to stand by it and embrace the decision with warmth. There’s envy and longing to nurse, still, as evidenced when my parents were over yesterday...Umma was praising me for pumping, and saying how hard it must be, how incredible it was to feed ek breastmilk, how she thinks of me when it’s midnight or 2am. Side note: if that’s not a mother’s love, I don’t know what is ❤️ 

Now, I’m really crying! 

I’m learning now that motherhood is a very private affair. There’s a lot of personal things to discover and work through, and sometimes, it’s embarrassing to explain - or feels insignificant. “Fed is best! Don’t worry!” I get that - I really do! But the deep desire to nurse (who would’ve guessed it’d become so important to me) sits in the back of my mind.

And maybe that’s ok. Maybe I don’t need to fully discard that desire in order to “move on”. But rather, focus on the blessings and give that desire to the Lord. Many times, what we want for ourselves isn’t the best God has planned for us anyway. 

Two weeks since EK’s birthdate. I had hoped to write this sooner, while things were still fresh, but I’m learning that newborn care takes a lot of attention!

To recap my labor & delivery...

My EDD was 1/29. Up until January’s Kaiser appointments, EK had been measuring a little larger so we all thought he’d come sooner. Then Jan’s appointments showed he was back on track. It was both good and disappointing news. Work picked up after the holidays and my coordinator just started, so I needed the time to catch her up and get things in order. On the flip side, at 37 going on 38 weeks, I was really uncomfortable; sleeping horribly, back hurting, eating endlessly, etc. In other words, I was ready for baby to come out asap. By mid-Jan, DK & I figured baby would come closer to his EDD, whereas before DK figured he’d come around 2 weeks early and I thought he’d come 1 week early.

Fridays became my favorite days of the week while pregnant because 1) end of work week, 2) our takeout day and 3) sleep aid night (sleeping was awful during pregnancy and the sleep aid helped me get one full night of rest). So Friday, I wound down and went to bed between 9-10pm, while DK played DOTA in the second bedroom per usual. Sat am, I woke up with a spreading warmth waist down. I thought at first maybe I had like triple the layer of blankets in that area until I felt the wetness with my hands. Then thought to myself, “Is this my water breaking?” So I started to yell for DK but he was knocked out. I waddled my way to the bathroom, stripped, washed off my body & my PJ pants. At this point, I figured, “Well who knows how urgent this is. I’ll wake up DK after I’ve called Kaiser.” So I call, they advise to come to hospital as soon as possible - but no crazy rush - and I wake up DK, who doesn’t leap to his feet but more annoyed/groggy haha. This man doesn’t like to be woken up anyway. Knowing we have time, I put on makeup (I admit it! I’m vain!), try to figure out how to stop the leaking with the limited pads I have, and start packing last few things into the hospital bag. Then I eat an apple and write Janice’s bday card (whyyy do I irrelevant things during times like this). We finally head out and because of COVID, only I walk into the hospital where I’m seen in the triage area. Since it’s so early (before 8a), the hospital is really quiet and a Korean nurse comes to see me. I count both these things as God’s hand over me :) She chatters on and on about this and that and tells me that DK should definitely bring up snacks and it’ll be a while. So I send DK to Costco and he ends up coming to the hospital around 1p, after I’ve moved to the L&D unit.

The medical staff administered pitocin around 11a (?) and from 11a-4p, we just waited for the contractions to build up. Started a new show called Cobra Kai and ate the popsicles from the hospital. ALSO important to note that I sent DK to buy snacks in the am and then we later found out once Pitocin is in my system, I can’t eat solids until baby is out. I had like 8 popsicles over the course of waiting. Anyway, come 4p, the contractions were painful enough to request the epidural and by then, I started crying from the pain. It was just like the miscarriage contractions. I think the reminder of that mc coupled with the new pain made it an emotional experience for me again. The tears wet my mask, I muffled my gasps bc of the nurses and I was embarrassed, and my mind was just blank from the pain. I don’t know how women deliver without the epidural!! With the epidural hooked up and several tubes and devices on me, the pain subsided but around 6-7p, a bunch of nurses and doctors stormed into our room saying “baby is a little grumpy so we’re gonna do XYZ”. One staff member started reading off C-section risks to me to get my verbal consent, others tried to get me into an all-fours position, while another put an oxygen mask on me. I think the oxygen mask really freaked me out. Meanwhile DK was off to the side just watching and I didn’t say anything. Eventually things calmed down, we didn’t need the C-section and DK & I agreed that some calmer context would have helped haha. We waited overnight to dilate fully and by 5am on Sunday, we were ready to go! After pushing for 5 minutes, EK was born (cone-shaped and blue) and my first words were, “What the heck!” Once we cleaned up, it hit me how freaking adorable he was. DK sent photos and messages to both families and that was that!

As the epidural wore off and the catheter removed , I was introduced to the wonderful & embarrassing world of urinary incontinence. Almost immediately, I wet myself (a lot!) and the nurses had to tend to me. Thankfully, I heard, read or watched YT videos about this so I was pretty shameless about it. Like, what can I do? I have no control! We got moved to the post partum unit before Sunday noon which was slightly smaller and there, we had a nurse or doctor check on us or EK every other hour. Going to the bathroom every three hours to prevent serious leaking was annoying and the IV became super painful, since I started to move around and hold EK. I was on email for about an hour, canceling & consolidating meetings, and crafting my final week at work message. I decided I needed one more week (even while EK was here) to transition everything smoothly and feel at peace, which is another way of saying “I know it’s unconventional but this is how I want to do things!” I finally checked my phone - not sure why, but I hated the thought of texting or holding conversations during the L&B/pp time. I think I was just exhausted. I slept so poorly with the nurses coming to check on me every hour from the night before and I was just mentally and physically off. 

Come Monday am and with the prospects of going home soon, I felt better and Facetimed umma & appa. When I got wheeled Covid with EK in my arms, the nurse covered his face with the swaddle...covid things to recall years from now. Finally, we got home! And as we lifted EK out from the carseat, DK & I were both kind of amazed. “It’s like we went shopping and came back with a baby!” And the first few nights, of just me and DK, were so special. Just figuring it out. Powered by adrenaline and burning desire to do things right for our baby.

A regular day, having stayed inside all week and worked from our circular dining table, using three chairs to support both legs and my bum. My unexciting routine includes waking up around the time DK leaves for work, taking a short walk around our dirty neighborhood (haha, so much dog poop everywhere), work, minimally cook for lunch, work, take a Tetris break and wait until DK comes home.

If I got into the specifics of my day, then I’d also include checking Facebook’s “on this day” memory throwback in the morning. I find it kind of jarring how much has changed from college to now. I used to be constantly surrounded by people and texting someone around the clock. These days are quieter. Obviously propelled by Covid but mostly because I’m married to the most introverted person I’ve met in my life. And I guess life just happens and sometimes affects friendships. I don’t like to think about it too much because I get overly critical/sad/mad. Lots of suppressed emotions that bubble up. What can you do though! It’s life and it happens. Friends change, effort levels change; I’ve changed too, so I don’t discount that. That’s where I become overly critical. Like, because I am XYZ, this thing has happened.

Another last thing I wanted to document is this pregnancy. Being less romantic and a bit more cynical, I’ve played down a lot of the special things about pregnancy, like feeling his kicks or marveling at the body’s ability to grow and house a life. But deep down inside, I love it all. There’s a quiet joy that’s waiting to grow and express itself but for now, I keep it to myself or share when I’m with my boisterous family. 22 weeks and a few more months to go and I’m still in slight disbelief we’ve made it this far. I’m not sure when I’ll fully get over my miscarriage. I shared with my coworkers this week at an in-person offsite, and when one of my coworkers came up to me after, my voice caught in my throat when I recalled miscarriage in front of him. For now, the trauma isn’t completely gone or healed, though my body has. I think I’ll always wonder why that had to happen the way it did and maybe I’ll have these periodic moments of grief for the rest of my life. Haha the dramatics, right? For a number of reasons I know and don’t know, miscarrying hit my deepest fears and undid a lot of personal confidence. Carrying Evan now is a timid process. Holding my breath at ultrasounds with this awful thought that maybe the baby’s died already. Fighting down bits of fear from spiraling into crazy thoughts.

But all of it will be worth it. All of this lifetime for God, for sanctification, to fight to understand God’s heart for me. 

Maybe next time I write I’ll have baby Evan in my arms or he’ll be somewhere close, somewhere I can touch his fingers and toes. Hold him, squeeze him and not have to worry that his heart will stop beating. 

Nearly one year since I’ve last written! And while being retrospective seems cool, a look back on the year isn’t my mood. Instead (!), here’s a brain dump of the here & now:

- I used to have a central group of friends but not right now. Kind of sad but not because it’s lacking. I had one but it just wasn’t feasible - we all live far from each other, different life stages, closer pods of girls in the group, etc.

- The largest “group” I’ll meet with regularly is another couple when we go on a double date. Those are nice for different reasons. It depends on the couple. David said that the environment brings out different energy sides of me - I was kind of offended until I realized he’s right & he’s just one of the few who noticed. It was bound to happen though - we spend a lot of time with each other through church & dating.

- I love church but I get caught up in the act of serving aka dancing, playing with kids, making crafts, doing 1:1′s. I have fun but it’s not always worshipful. One time, one of the first grade students cried because “Because I almost tripped & it’s just been a bad day.” In my head: “But you didn’t actually trip!”

- I started taking less pictures. I started deleting photos also by the hundreds. When I’m not driven my Instagram aesthetic or the Insta-story, I’m not on my phone as much.

- That was one of my first “pet peeves” with David: too much phone time when we were together/out with friends. It was an uncomfortable thing to bring up but it was resolved super quickly. Wish everything could be resolved that quickly now too. Ugh.

- Janet’s getting married in 4 months. But it feels like she’s already gone. Too much Steve time. Not enough friend time. It’s sad. I’m sad. But I live in LA and she lives in Buena Park so not like we could hang out during the week anyway! Good thing she’s a consistent texter.

- What if Janice gets married before me. 50% chance will happen. I wonder if I’ll go with her to the Korean wedding ceremony too. All of Jay’s family is in Korea so they’ll probably have to do a second ceremony. I’d be down. 

- I had a private tumblr where all my secret feelings were stashed. But I used some funky email address that also got shut down so now I have no way of recovering my emotional pieces! This is a good thing though. I think I used to write things like “I could see the window glistening through my tears.” I could be a soap writer. 

- I love Korean dramas. But if I am a woman of integrity, I should purchase one of those subscriptions to Drama Fever or Viki. Streaming is bad. I work in entertainment. 

ESTJ.

Today, I blew up at one of my best friends. I also got my MBTI results from a work-administered test. 

“You have to go to the oral surgeon,” followed hours later by, “and you have to go to the dentist.” 

Anxiety. Like a tidal wave. 

I never liked going to the dentist and I had never gone to an oral surgeon but I could bet that I wouldn’t like it either. 

I undergo two oral operations, catch a fever during the day, and try to keep my mouth composed as it keeps falling flat from the numbing topical gel. I ended up at my parents’ home afterward and I was grateful for it. But this post isn’t to inspire sympathy or pity. 

--

Clam chowder soup. 

I sit down for dinner and realize that eating is so freaking hard. The spoon seems large between my lips and I can’t feel anything my tongue, my gums, anything in my mouth aha.

My mom and dad keep talking and I take a break to chime in, but my numbed mouth feels clunky and awkward.  

Silently and kindly, my mom leans over and wipes away the drooled soup from my chin. 

It just hit midnight a few minutes ago but it feels like it’s 3AM. I had a moment tonight though, while staying up to meeting prep.

I started getting mad anxious. So - duhhhhhh - turn on a Disney playlist and the mood in the room instantly warms. 

Caught up on Tumblr posts and I saw something Nikki posted about Myers Briggs (MB). 

I don’t know why I like MB so much because I honestly don’t know the difference between the letters. 

1. E/I  2. S/iN 3. F/T 4. P/J

First of all, I still get confused between Sensing and Feeling and INtuition and Thinking. Everything sounds the same to me, though I gotta say that I haven’t put much time into learning the nuances. 

However, something interesting I’ve discovered. 

In college, I scored as an ESFJ. Just recently, I took the test again and nearly everything flipped. My results read ENTP and again, I don’t know the difference between Sensing vs. iNtuition, etc. etc. etc. But it’s at least easy for me to see that everything changed. 

ESFJ (the supporter, consul, caregiver) --> ENTP (the visionary, debater, intuitive seeker)

And this is what I’ve concluded. Our MB scores are affected by our current setting, life stage, surrounding company, etc. I don’t mean to say our personalities or temperaments change - some qualities are, after all, innate. But the changed MB does reveal how my lifestyle and role has vastly changed. 

In college, in between school and work, I was organizing retreats and church services, making food for Abba fellowship, staying up with my roommates. I felt full in those ways. Now, life is mostly linear - work 5x/week, church 1.5x/week. With more security in this area of life, I’m stupidly overly confident (I say stupidly because I’ve made a ton of mistakes at home and at work haha) and I’ve become all, “Hey I’m a real adult now so I must know everything! - ha, Wait never mind, can I take it all back?” 

It’s interesting but what’s weirdest is knowing that I still wish for things that aren’t the best things. 

A rare moment with a laptop, Internet, few minutes to spare to writing - not that it’s going to be anything meaningful.

What I’ve learned over the past months is that I had some really, really great friends at Berkeley. But in SoCal, I have some really, really great mentors. 

I was a bit of a brat in high school and I see that when I reconnect with old friends. I see that side of me resurface or I’m reminded of the judgements I’d held. Makes me cringe.