she looks at me and spoke as if she was talking to her younger self, “hurt people, hurt people” she told me, the crack in her voice told me that she had been through this pain before.

I hated her response it didn’t make sense for me, just because someone hurt him didn’t mean he had to hurt me too, what a monster I thought he was, but every brick he throw at me helped make up the walls I put before myself.

I think I became “hurt people” along the way. I didn’t know I was doing it, it was never intentional. My heart grew chains around it and I threw away the key. I never meant to bury my wounds in other people, I never meant to scar their hearts and leave them bleeding.

I almost learned how to make it, considered how your family could have it too, even though they probably never knew about me.

I told people how great you are, I really should’ve told them the truth.

Now you are just something else that me and my therapist talk about.

I've always been so afraid of speaking but about you I easily vocalised only the prettiest words I could say.

Now I am sitting on a sidewalk contemplating a call to make, today is your birthday. I accidentally bought your favourite cake.

I had to block your number because my heart still couldn't accept your absence.

My head doesn't play by the rules and my heart has been holding up a white flag trying to surrender for years now, but my head refuses to let it.

Every time I feel a spark with someone or start excited about someone new, my head shut it down and beginning to grieve the loss of my heart. I mean it's still there but it doesn't work the same as it used to be.

It's like my brain has been hardwired to cut off emotion anytime my heart begins to beat for someone else. This war is the one that's unspoken of because nobody wins. It will always be me against myself.