on mars, on mars, on mars

DM: Please describe your new character

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond I want a girl who knows what’s best 

Its clear from these lines that she has high intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence is emphasized with the lines “ She is fast and thorough/And sharp as a tack” and considering she is fast she likely has high dexterity. 

So this is a Dex/Wisdom/Intelligence build which makes me think that she is a ranger. She may, however be using a dueling fighting style instead of archery, since later lines say she “uses a machete” so she clearly has still with one-handed weaponry.

Her alignment is suggested in two instances. One being “With fingernails that shine like justice.” Though this doesn’t necessarily mean she idealizes justice, this can be implied. So she is on the good end of the good/evil spectrum, and because she “uses a machete to cut through red tape” she clearly is not lawful. She does not get bogged down with bureaucracy but cuts through it. There is not other indications that she chaotic, so I am inclined to call her neutral, making her neutral good. 

Her race is harder to pin down, but given that she was “eyes that burn like cigarettes,” that may suggest that she was red or orange eyes. This means  Drow or Tiefling. Now, given that she also has, “shoes that cut” this could suggest that she has sharp hooves, meaning Tiefling. I would also point out that she changes her name from Kitty to Karen, and Tiefling are known for taking on new names. 

“Yes, I am.”

“You come from nothing. You are nothing.  But not to me.”

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Like I said, the museum was a pretty snotty institution. It’s got a LOT of objects it’s way famous for possessing, but nobody knew about the absolutely massive collection of Moche erotic pottery it had because the curators were totally embarrassed by this stuff.

Some examples:

Pretty hot shit, right? They never, ever put any of this stuff on public view or published it in any catalogues but - we legit had like several hundred pieces of Moche ceramics in the “dirty pots” category. Anyway, I was left alone to just do my job with regard to the database for several years, ok? And I figured, well, these’re accessioned objects in the museum’s collection - better get down to bidness. 

I catalogued every goddamn bestiality, necrophiliac, cocksucking, buttfucking, detached penis, and giant vulva drinking cup in that collection. I’d be like, 

A drinking vessel in form of a standing man wearing a tunic and cap. He holds an oversized erection in his hands and stares into the distance (note I did not say “like he’s hella-constipated”). The vessel has a hole at both the tip of the penis as well as around the rim of the figure’s head, thus forcing the drinker to drink only from the penis or risk spilling wine all over themselves from the top of the vessel. Red and orange slip covers the surface of the piece.

Pretty straightforward, right? Apparently the deep seated fear of these objects that the curators exhibited was meant to spread to me as well, but - no one ever gave me that memo, because I guess Midwesterners reproduce asexually. When the curators understood that I had catalogued all of these objects in addition to the other, non-sexy pieces in the collection, they were apparently livid, but knew they had no legs to stand on in terms of getting pissed at me for it. 

I visited the museum’s online public access database a few years back and - every single description I wrote of these pieces has been totally neutered to say something like Male figural vase. 

1. skeletor isn’t wearing a blue body suit, that is his skin

2. skeletor isn’t a skeleton, he just had his face burned off 

3. skeletor isn’t actually undead

4. before skeletor had his face burned off, he looked like this

“the all-powerful king” when the middle ages started the king was just like, a slightly better warlord, and his vassals could and did give him the finger at every possible opportunity. it took literal centuries for power to be centralized in one person and by the time divine right rolls around we are well out of the the middle ages and into the renaissance

witch hunts: also a renaissance thing! people didn’t burn witches in the middle ages. (well, they burned like two or three.) the witch-hunts you’re thinking of, with the massive hysteria and all the inquisitors, happened mostly during the 16th and 17th centuries. 

they hella burned heretics though (mostly for political reasons)

“technology didn’t advance” my ass. some notable inventions: canon, artillery, compass, beer

the pope: sure, he issued a lot of bulls asking people to do things, but people usually listened to the extent that it was convenient or that they were forced to. the “all powerful church” was more like a collection of individual powerful people who disagreed with each other a lot 

science: for centuries monks were literally the only people preserving and caring for books. they were very erudite. the idea of science being in opposition to religion was not a thing

university students: still did shit like show up to lecture drunk and annoy the local townspeople

knights: a knight is not a slow, armored unit. a knight is a tank: fast, heavily armored, absolutely terrifying if you’re infantry. do not make your fucking knights walk, that makes no goddamn sense

weird sex cults: existed. listen, you can tell people not to do something,  you can make it illegal, you can even enact horrible punishments if they’re caught doing it, but people will do it anyway. (sometimes, if they cut their losses at the right time, they will even get away with it)