the night after I got back from mexico I booked a one way ticket to bangkok. it took less than 24 hours for me to be back to realize quickly just how much I needed to leave again. the difference is that this time I’m packing up whatever sort of home base I’ve had here in exchange for something completely foreign.Â
I thought I was making this move 4 months ago, albeit to south america. things happened. minds were changed. I decided to wait. to prolong the inevitable, to think more deliberately about what I was doing. to see if relationships would bloom, grow deeper, convince me to stay. they didn’t.
I went to mexico alone to celebrate my 30th birthday. turning 30 always seems to be a big deal to people, as if it means the end of youth, the ending of an era.Â
it is the ending of an era but why do we always talk about aging like it’s a bad thing? I don’t remember much about who I was 10 years ago other than I was a hot mess of a girl who drank too much and made stupid decisions with boys I knew were bad for me.
I probably still make stupid decisions with boys I know are bad for me but at least I don’t drink like an underage college girl anymore.Â
leading up to my birthday I didn’t really have that many feelings about it. i went dancing until sunrise every night with people from sweden and argentina and mexico city and during the day I would write and sit at the beach alone and think about things.
It was there, in the humid ocean air, when I realized I’ve felt more alive in the past month than I have in a very long time.Â
all of a sudden everything felt very clear to me and I knew when I returned from my trip I needed to stop talking about all the things I wanted to do this year and take action.Â
there’s only so many months/years/whatever you can keep telling yourself you’re unhappy in a place or situation before you just have to look at yourself and say, okay, well what the fuck are you going to do about it?Â
I remember back in december my boss said something to me about how he thought this was an interesting time in my life - a period of incubation. I think he’s right, but I think it’s more true now and going forward than it was when he said it.Â
so i’m going to bangkok where there is an apartment waiting for me already and a few co-working spaces to choose from in the city. i’ll be gone maybe a month. maybe three months. maybe forever. that’s the beauty of being free - you get to make the rules up as you go.