Just another one wanting to be heard

I feel like I have been fighting myself for so long I actually don`t remember how it feels to be at peace with who I am.

Being the foreigner there and the enemy here.

Trying to find myself in others and try and fit into their views of who I should be.

I know I can come across as odd to the rest at times. I am who I am because I was raised this way. I made myself this way because I wanted to believe that every day is going to be a new beginning.

But it is hard to fit in. It gets harder by the year, to smile and accept things that make my blood boil. Do things I don't necessarily want to, because this is what I should be doing in my 20s. Know things that don`t concern me, because otherwise I am living in a cave.

My interests are not relevant if they are not the interests of my peers. My hobbies are not valid, because others don't see them. My beliefs are wrong, because others don`t have the patients to listen to me explain them.

I keep my mouth shut most of the time, because my honesty often hurts people.

It is hard to be myself in private and the person I should be with the rest. The lines are going to blur one day, because it is too much to keep up with the lies.

When we were young we wanted to be older.

Then we got to the place in life where it was time for us to be the grownups for ourselves. That was also the time in which we wished that we would have appreciated more what we didn`t when we were young.

The world became smaller and smaller. Dreams started becoming more and more limited. Opportunities we had to fight for. We had to be strong and we had to keep a straight face. We suffered in depths of fear we had never gone to before, because this was the world we lived in. We cried on the inside but never showed it to the others because then they would think that we are not grownup enough.

When we were children life was filled with endless wishes and moments, goals and powers. There was magic in the world when we were young. Thinking outside the box, when everything is possible. Then we grew up ... life happened and we had to grow up. There was not more grandiose images in front of our eyes for the future. There was no more love for the unknown. There was no more curiosity, because we all saw how the curiosity killed the cat.

We wanted to be the legends on the new generation. We wanted to write the new history books. The books that the future "us" would read and be proud that we were their predecessors. We wanted to be great and remembered ...

Have you ever experienced this feeling that you were meant for something more than you might think and that you were meant to someday conquer the world?

I have had this feeling, I am also happy to say that in this moment I had this feeling next to a person who made me feel that way.

I wish to all of you out there that you feel this powerful for your own selves someday because there is nothing better than to know how much you are worth and how far you know that you can push life.

It is important to savour these moments, because the moments in which we feel like we are helpless or have no purpose are a lot more common.

I would love nothing more than to be creative right now.

I use my writing to vent out all of the things that are happening to me and yet nothing is coming out.

I have been through some stuff recently and I just want to let it all out but I feel like my creativity is letting me down.

I want to write, I want to express all of the emotion which is drowning me inside like a wave, covering me and leaving its wet saltiness all over my body.

Some people in this world spend enormous amounts of time on searching for a meaning. This makes sense because meaning sometimes is all that we have. 

As humans we are hardwired to look for logic and patterns, this is the way that we are built, so the search for a meaning in a logic or in a pattern is simply out hard drive finding a way to connect. 

Yet, what happens when we lose that meaning? What happens when we don't understand something? Our friends actions or the way we behave in situations. What happens when you have put a meaning, like a label on a goal and you achieve it? Some would say that you just get on to the next thing... I don't think that this is what life is about.

Every thing has a meaning, it has a purpose. The mediocre quotes we see on Instagram, or yet the next story from this person who is taking a photo of the food he/she is having, every poem ever written, every tear ever cried, every smile ever seen and every hug ever shared. 

So how is it possible that today we are able to make a brave face and smile, stripping anything from it`s meaning. Intimate relationships we call “hanging out”, friendships start and end so fast, “I love your”s said like we say “Hello!”. 

I am waiting for someone to try and tell me that non of this has a meaning when you are saying it in a cheesy way, or when you are drunk, or when you are caught up in a moment, yet these are the moments which give a unique meaning to every word, every look, every action, every smile, every tear. 

When we are caught up in the moment is the only time in which we are not strong enough to keep the mask up, these are the only moments in which the actual emotion is able to come out and say to the world “I hate you!” or “I love you” or “I miss you”. 

We are so afraid to express our emotions because we have gotten used to not letting people in. We are so accustomed to strip the meaning of things that when we come to a place where we want these things to move others, to make them think... it just sounds like the next caption on Instagram, under the same photo we have been posting for the past year. 

I said today to a friend of l=mine that I wanted to write something meaningful, and then I though about a topic by which I would feel inspired, but then I realized that the things that move me, the topics on which I want to speak, the things I want to say will never have the meaning that I would give to them for a person who would read them, because we have stripped the meaning off them. 

I am not blaming the world for this, I am not blaming social media, I am not going to go on and blame others for this, because I am a part of this, I have said and done things that have stripped the meaning off the same “I love you”s. I don't have and excuse for the things I have done, sometimes I though I was protecting myself, sometimes I thought I was protecting my image, sometimes I though I was protecting the mask I keep showing the world, just because I feel like it would be too much for people to see who I am and how I feel... 

I want to write something meaningful, someday... 

Maybe some day I will write something meaningful for someone else... 

Maybe I won`t. 

Such crazy times we live in today, no? 

I remember when I was a teenager smartphones were a new thing. I got my first smartphone a little bit after I went to high school and it  was the most trendy thing to have at the time. I still remember when MySpce was the Facebook (I have no memory of that account but I do remember I made one on the first ever laptop I had, which I also had to share with the entire family). ICQ was the Skype of the time, it was like the way in which we could communicate, even if we didn`t actually use it, because calling someone on the phone or just going to their house and screaming at their window was still a thing. 

We used to know each other back then, we used to not have social media to hide behind, we used to have to speak face to face, we used to have to actually talk to a person to get to know then and decide if this was going to be a relationship with which we were comfortable. 

Don`t get me wrong, I love having social media, and I love the fact that I am able to call my mother on the other side of the continent and have a 4 hour conversation with her about my day, or about something completely random. It stopped being so difficult to communicate. It stopped being so complicated to go traveling and meet new people, but... 

Are me actually more communicative now, than we were before? 

I am not going to get on the topic of the predators that can be found on the internet, no, I would like to talk about how social media and globalization of the market + COVID pandemic have made us so closed off that even when we text someone though the entire night we are still never that close. I can speak to a complete stranger for days on end and still not know anything about them. 

I was so sad this morning that I didn't know if I was gonna make it to class.

It felt like there was a rock on my chest that kept me in bed and I was contemplating if there was any point in me doing whatsoever today.