onetinymouse

Junie B. and Jim's beef continues and he doesn't invite her to his lit ass bday party. The only one he doesn't invite in Room 9. Fuck you dude. Junie B. is eating cake again at the start of the book and is greedy as hell eating it all up (queen shit) (claims her fav food is birthday cake and she is so right for that). We learn that Lucille wears satin fucking dresses to kindergarten, and Junie B. accidentally spills ice cream she was stealing from Lucille onto it (lmao). We learn that Grace is a good friend. Junie B. (after eating Jim up in a fight) starts to feel everything sad and lonely with being left out and tries to hide under her sweater and says, "It hurts to swallow." :( Grace puts her arm around her and gives her the window seat. <3 found out junie b and her fam also use the phrase beanie weenies instead of frank n beans just like mine. the iconic frog dress with tadpole tights appears (need). jim ends up giving her an invitation that he was hiding from her. Junie b. is upset that she has to get ready for a thing she doesn't want to go to but feels like she has to so she doesn't feel left out. Her parents sit her down and talk to her (!!) and explain that just because everyone is going means actually nothing if you don't want to participate. She decides to spend her Saturday with her grandpa fixing the toilet and is super pumped about it. that girl loves her tools and i felt very happy for her. Had to google what a burro is.

For some reason I am having trouble writing about this one. Maybe it's because it was one I was looking forward to returning to. I'm curious if I'll have the same troubles with others I read over and over until the spine was almost destroyed.

behavioral/social things i noticed: junie b. talks about how mrs. claps her hands at her when annoyed by the yelling, and junie b. literally describes being conditioned! she says she used to be scared, but now she's used to it!! crazy. // junie b. tells grace that grace can't be as good as her about things because junie b. "said it first"- is this a universal thing? or was i influenced by junie b. that i also thought this way? she has this need to be the best at something even if it doesn't really exist, and i think that a lot of children (people) feel this way in trying to find their place in the world. // when junie b. and her mother are at the grocery store, junie b. catches an attitude with her mother saying "you're not welcome," in response to her mother saying "thank you." cue the justified anger and frustration, and yikes. i feel for my mother in this moment. junie b. addresses that she doesn't have to mean it when saying sorry, and is satisfied with having attitude, a secret in a way, in her head because no one can hear what's in there.

fperhaps the most important scene in this book though is between junie b., her mother, and ollie. junie b. is loud, as always, and is excited to tell her mother about career day and all that. this wakes ollie up, upsetting him and her mother. junie b. finds his pacifier and all is well, but i can't help but not ignore the tiredness from her mother, junie b.'s embarrassment and anger and sadness from being scolded for something she was simply excited about, and her father not giving junie b. any attention either. the thing is, i sympathize greatly with ehr parents. junie b. can be a handful but this isn't new and neither one of them have tried to explain things to her. she clearly is not understanding why ollie needs attention, why they have to constantly be with him, caring for him. they always tell her maybe later, maybe someday. never now. never let me try to have you understand our feelings so we can approach it differently next time. interested to see how the adults evolve, if they evolve, and how my opinions may evolve on their reactions.

i remember reading this one over and over again as a kid. there are several moments that made me LOL, and junie b. is a freaking menace. so much happens. junie b. is getting a sibling, which, as we could guess, will not fare well with miss thing. she asks her parents why she's only getting old things and the baby is getting all this new stuff and they just sort of roll their eyes at her but, yeah? i agree? they're spending so much money on this damn baby room that will change within a few years and not on junie b. i really liked the part where junie b. has trouble hugging her mother because of her pregnant belly, and that it upset junie b. this closeness that she feels has been taken from her is heartbreaking, and this is a throughline within the book and the issue of said baby. junie b. has some friend troubles and makes grace feel sad and gross inside after being taken advantage of. junie b. gets a boyfriend, ricardo, even though she says she has another boyfriend in a different classroom. seeing how the recess scene went down was really interesting and showed how power dynamics change rapidly with children and their friend groups. i found i was rooting for junie b. to stand up and be the more powerful one when it came to lucille, but that came at the cost of grace's feelings as well, and then made me sad for lucille. i mean, these are just kids! junie b. ends up having a brother whom i think she will love with her heart, but it will take getting used to having to share her parents attention, as hard as it is for her already. her relationship with her grandparents is great to see. her grandfather loves her a lot, and that makes me very happy. lots of good quotes from this one that i might have to go back and add in. i enjoyed this one a lot.

junie b's first day of kindergarten. she only goes to school in the afternoons- i don't remember doing that at my kindergarten so already setting up for some false expectations for my little brain. she is messy and loud and eccentric and that's pretty cool. i totally understand why she acts the way she does. none of these adults answer her questions and it pisses me off. children are curious! people are curious! give her some answers before getting annoyed with her behavior! and please call her by what she wants. it's so obvious why she causes "trouble." her style goes hard and i love that we get to see pictures of the class in the beginning. she finds a friend, Lucille (unsure of if i trust this will continue). she finds an enemy, Jim. she conquers the bus on the way to school where she meets a kid who's kind of mean. i don't know, it's hard to call children mean when they are just saving that seat for their friend; i'm tone policing a child who has no self regulation. really interesting how my mind has changed on talking/thinking about these kids. crazy that we get no resolution to them finding her after the adults are freaking out. they're probably all panicking while she plays teacher. funny that we all liked to play that when we were younger, mimicking what we're around for most of the day.

accept that people can see or don't. it's exhuasting.

how many times can you listen to someone yell and complain about the same thing

My brain has felt like it's been out of my body for weeks now, especially today though. I don't know how to eat or drink anything other than soda from a can. The fridge suddenly looks so empty compared to every other day. Like it's just waiting for someone to use up the last of the ingredients. I want to drink the rest of my tequila. It's been sitting there waiting for me to consume what's left, but I resist. I want a fucking cigarette, so bad. I want a good night's sleep, but I know that'll never happen. Really, today went fine in the grand scheme of things, but I just feel so empty and lost. I keep wandering around thinking something will zap my brain back in place, but it just isn't happening. I need to put my laundry away. It's been clean for days, but I just keep putting it in a big pile in the chair. On my bed. Back on the chair to sleep. Back on the bed to watch TV. It's my night to do dishes. I guess something will get done.

Here it is, the freak-out beginning to creep in. I don't know where to start on this, and making minimal strides forward isn't going to be helpful for me in the long-run. I just want this to be done with. I just want things to be completed and put away into storage forever. I know things will all work out, but that means I need to also be putting in the work, finding encouragement, finding the motivation to create. I want to do this, I do. My space doesn't give me that energy, I think I've discovered. Tuesday, I will scream, after that, I'll scream some more. I just have to push forward.

The sun is so bright, filling the room with the comfort of spring saying, "Everything's going to be alright." I think it will be too. I can only imagine how happy this light will make me in a couple of months in a new space, a dream place. My worries subside as time moves on. Everything will work out eventually, I promise, I tell myself. Love and laughter will come your way, art will become good for you again, and you'll finally be at peace with being an adult. Suddenly, I'm not scared anymore, and I feel myself losing interest in trivial things. Things that won't be a worry in a months time from now. I'll put myself out there again once I'm settled, and maybe grow some more confidence in the next year. I'll be able to look at myself and see a full person, and not just a ragdoll being thrown across life's big room. I can see myself standing in the mirror, the window cracked open to let that warm breeze through. Tonight, I will make a full dinner and bake some pull-apart cookies for us all. Tonight, I will get into my made bed, snuggling in the comforters and smiling at my bedroom's decor. Tonight, I will dream wild dreams and wake up delighted to be living again.