one in white.

immediately her expression hardens. the wall that she had carefully broken down before him is piled back into place, without so much as a second thought. in her world.. this is nothing new. she is used to hiding herself behind walls and layers, keeping the nature of who she is buried deep within her bones. it’s not just because of the powers she possesses. there is more to her than meets the eye. she is more than the title that has been placed on her, no matter how powerful. and she carries the weight of her past on her shoulders with as much grace as can be hoped.

she’s never expected anyone to understand. she doesn’t go looking for pity, nor would she take it if it were placed in front of her. the only thing kahlan has ever wanted was to be accepted. a foolish and perhaps naive notion to hold in her heart. but after everything she’s been through.. she had believed she was allowed to indulge in one such dream.

there were some days she thought.. acceptance wasn’t important. she did not need anyone else’s approval of her. her confidence did not rely on someone else’s perception of her. she would not allow her self worth to be determined by another person. at the end of the day, her opinion was the only one that matters. ( well, perhaps one or two more. ) 

but even she couldn’t deny the pain she felt in a moment like this.

beginning to collect her things.. kahlan ignores his intake of breath. she writes it off as nothing more than simple breathing. ( though she knows it’s more. he has to know he’s crossed some line that he had only previously been tip toeing. ) this is not something she is willing to forgive. she can’t just blink it away as she would other things. standing straight, her pack is slung over her shoulder, pulled close to her back. eyes focus on his form, she looks at him and sees the friendship that could have been, reduced now to nothing more than a professional relationship.

when she had finished helping him.. she’ll turn away, and never see him again.

kahalan doesn’t wait for him before she begins walking. though she can hear him struggling to catch up behind her, she moves on. lips are pulled into a tight line. silence is something she’s comfortable with. but even with the quiet that settles between them.. she can hear his question, as if he were screaming at the top of his lungs. he says nothing. does not even make his breath audible to her ears, and yet she hears volumes.

she spins. eye glue to him with the same intensity ( if not more ) that she had expressed when her walls had gone back up. the words hang for a moment, unspoken on her tongue as she takes in his confusion. she can see he doesn’t understand. she wonders if he’ll even make it a point to apologize.

‘ i opened up to you and you judged me. ’

it’s a simple statement. spoken as if she were speaking about the number of clouds in the sky or the color of the changing leaves. any display of emotion is left in her eyes. they don’t have time. they never had time. she’s not sure why they bothered to stop in the first place. 

at first.. she said nothing. instead kahlan moved her hands, kept herself busy with the task of cleaning out his wound in an attempt to quell her anger. of course, it was done in vain. it was more than anger. it was worry, fear, and.. a sense of responsibility. she was meant to protect him, not the other way around. if something had happened to him while he was trying to save her life.. what would she tell zedd? what would they tell the people that risked so much simply because they believed in the seeker? what would become of the midlands without richard? 

the sigh that passed through her lips came out of it’s own accord. she’d fought to burry it, to keep her emotions in check and not have this discussion now. but.. she could feel his eyes on her ( as if he were taking in her every move, reading her thoughts through her body language. ), waiting for her to give him some kind of sign that she’s not as mad as she probably looks. she couldn’t do that. she still wasn’t sure if she was upset with him.. or if she was upset with herself. 

‘ what were you trying to prove? ’

she spoke with conviction; each syllable accentuated carefully. it was difficult.. trying to find a way to explain what she was feeling. kahlan had always found reading people so much easier than trying to express what was going on in her own mind. even when it came to richard, ( who she found easier to talk to than most people ) she struggled. there was too much she wanted to say that she couldn’t. and so much that she couldn’t stop herself from saying even when she didn’t want to. 

‘ i don’t need you to fight my battles for me, richard. i could have handled him. ’

the words leave her lips in a much harsher tone than she intended. however, instead of correcting them… she let the words linger between them. spinning away from his gaze, kahlan again busied her hands, working on crushing the herbs she intended to use to help keep the wound from being infected. it’s not the first time she’s dressed one of his wounds.. or a wound of someone else.. but she took extra care this time, feeling the responsibility of it again weighing on her shoulders. 

‘ you can’t do that again.. ’  there isn’t so much as a pause between her words and her head snapping to look at him. she was almost able to feel her own eyes burning a hole through him, looking so intensely.. tears stung in the corners of her eyes. she needed him to know.. needed him to feel the weight behind her words. he’d heard the stories, knew how important this was not just for them but for everyone. he knew how hard she had fought to find him. she would lay down her life for him, kahlan had explained that more than once, but she would not allow him to do the same for her.