Towards the Eternal Lover

Its been so long since i last shared something. Ohmy, 2015 was hell of a year. I mean, so many things going on; happy, sad, ups and downs, new meets, left and all that. 

Well, i got engaged, and now i’m not. ??? Nah, no need for question marks, its as simple as that. It is just a semi-knot, that yet could be broken. It is just a phase for us to learn about our partner and most importantly learn what our heart wants. 

Sucha hyprocrite I was just to ‘go with the flow’ and yet make it seems everything was alright within me, when people could really see and yet I felt it, but i chose to ignore it. All because of pity. Pity, empathy is okay, but not until it eats you up inside.  -but on a side note, i did lost a lot of weight, heheh. okay no good - 

I thought i would never go through an engagement break up. I thought i wont be those typical malay couples who broke their engagement, thats happening quite often nowadays. But I keep asking myself, how will He test me next? Without me realising, He was doing it at that very moment. I couldnt bear to break it up as the relatives were all very nice to me, they have already treated me like their own. - And I actually do kind of miss them -  But other than that, I wasnt really happy. I was doubtful, pretentious with him, and keep asking myself am i doing the right decision. 

They always say that there;s this phase after you got engage that you will have a lot of challenges and fights because our inhuman enemies doesn’t like us to build our own mosque - literally translated -.- - and you just have to go through that till your nikah that. Strong relationships survive that period because they love each other.

The problem with me was that I don’t. I enjoyed the presence of his cousins and friends more than i was with him alone. What did he do? He has been a good person to me -mostly- but just that i couldnt open up everything to him. Even if he nods, i could not feel that he understands. 

When i ended it off, i felt that i was breaking free - high school musical breaking free plays in background - It felt like a heavy rock on my chest and shoulders has been lifted off. And at that moment, I learn to put my heart and self first before considering to much for other’s feelings. I might have done the empathy excessively that i forgotten bout this tiny soul inside of me. It also made me realise the Almighty-ness of our Creator. Sometimes we just have to go a whole big cycle just to learn. But its okay, I REGRET NOTHING. In fact, im thankful to go through it, as it has thought me a lot. 

And one more thing, if you keep dreaming about the same guy that makes you feel warm and cozy in the heart,and keep thinking bout him when you’ve woken up, yet you cant see his face nor know who is he, but you know he is not your ex -or for my case my fiance at that point of time - , do not give up and keep searching. Cause i think he’s gonna connect to you. -hhahahah- Somewhere on this earth, he might have do’a to The Almighty to let him meet his jodoh. For my case, i keep dreaming about this person and its like a sign. The dream stops only when ive met this new someone months after i ended my engagement. All im saying it dont take dreams that you been having multiple times likely. 

And dear Allah swt, thank You for loving me still.