John Doe

For the past few years I've been struggling a lot in many aspects of life. I have been desperately trying to change myself but instead of getting better things just got downhill. It's as if everyday something out there is trying to find out if things can somehow get even worse. I've thought about ending it all multiple times and went nowhere with it, even now I'm thinking about it but I guess I just don't have enough courage right now. I still have hope that my life can change for better. I tried to seek professional help but that just wasn't it for me. Most days, which is 99 percent of the time, I struggle with basic tasks like getting out of bed, taking a bath, washing my face, changing clothes, eating, sleeping, etc. I know I am not lazy because I don't enjoy not doing any of these things, I hate myself every second of the day for not being able to do the most basic tasks. I know I'm not being lazy because I've stopped doing things that I loved. I used to love studying, painting, drawing, doing my skincare routines, writing stories, reading, and many more things I have now forgotten I even liked. I used to be curious, now I am not. I used to be creative, now I'm not. But I still believe I can change or so I hope. I want a new start, now I may not be able to rip myself apart from my current life and start a new one I decided to revive this account of mine, here on Tumblr. But I don't want anything to do with my old self. Even with the things that I love, I might rediscover them again in future and might choose to love them again but right now they all remind me of a version of myself who's either, not around anymore or shouldn't be around anymore. So I've decided I'm going to change my name, unlike every post I've liked, delete every post I've made up until now and unfollow everyone. I am going to start fresh. I have decided I'll write something here everyday in an attempt to make a consistent habit and also in a way to track my progress. It doesn't have to be perfect but it should be there and that's the only thing that matters. It's very personal to me but I'm still gonna keep everything public, because what if someone accidentally stumbles upon this post and it ends up helping them, maybe some sins of mine would get washed away. Anyways, back to the point, I'm gonna save myself.