Untitled

Simple Plan

Today I am completely broken. I woke up and simply shattered. There was no moment of trigger or frustration. There was no evident cause for the absolute storm of emotion that consumed me so suddenly. I got into the car and just drove to find some clarity, unsure entirely of where I would end up. We went such a strange route through town. I thought I was heading to one of the neighbouring cities or towns and would end up doing something productive when we got there. I ended up in OUR town, the town where our most of our story was woven together. I drove by our school, past the places we would walk to often, the place I worked after you were gone and wished each night that you would appear at the door to take me home.. and finally towards the place we had planned to get married. It was so far out of the way, and there was no practicality to going there. Such a small town offers no practical reason to visit. Then I realized, on the way down I was thinking of how much our daughter has grown, how soon she will be completely grown, how fast time has gone by and how much time has past. Tomorrow would have been 12 years together. I don’t know how I didn’t realize. Everything within me was grieving you and I didn’t see it. My heart will never let go of you.

You play with my emotions. You play on my sympathies. You manipulate my curiosities. How dare you? What entitles you to swan in and out of my life whenever it works for you? I am angry with you, so angry. You do not deserve to take up anymore of my time and yet with one small intrusion you take up take up hours of my thoughts for days on end. I owe you nothing. I do not have to respond to you because you say I do. You tell me you love me - always have, always will. If you love me, stop doing this. Stop only being around when I’m convenient. Stop letting years go by without progress or change; Grow the fuck up. I can love you forever, but that does not translate to you being healthy for me nor is it reason enough for you to be a part of my life. 

Sometimes I wonder how it happened - when my pursuit to feel valued started me on this path which has resulted in feeling worthless more than ever. I thought being wanted equated value. I thought being desired meant worth. For once, I wish someone would want to be in my company simply because they enjoy it and not because they need something from me. I’m good enough when they want my body, my comfort or my knowledge. If I don’t comply, the consequence is silence, left alone to feel shame for refusing to objectify myself, until I am needed once again. I have become the vice that is always in the shadows to fill the void as needed, to then again be returned to the cupboard once used enough to satisfy. I know this is a mess of my own making. I’ve condoned this behaviour and, at times, even encouraged it. In instances that have made me feel ill with disgust in myself for allowing such treatment from another person, I have continued to react and please as expected nonetheless. When did the regard for my own wellbeing become so secondary to ensuring others were contented? I won’t be specific. I thought this behaviour applied only to a portion of my life, one that makes me feel especially hollow, but it does not. This blanket has been woven over many aspects and years of my life. I have allowed it to happen. I just wish I knew what made me feel so desperately valueless that even the smallest sips of fulfillment were allowed to satisfy my thirst in moments I already knew the kind of darkness and void that would follow.