“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one; you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone.”
-Jane Austen, Persuasion
Of all Jane Austen’s novels, Persuasion is the one I relate to the most. The depth of emotion-love, loss, longing, hope, and regret- expressed within it’s pages are all things my own pathetic heart knows too well. The consolation that this story, along with the vast majority of books and movies, offer is a happy ending; that after so much suffering, our beloved characters are able to find happiness in a long awaited (re)union. For myself, I know there will be no such resolution. After 5 years, I continue to love and hope even though I know the venture is hopeless. I wish I could cut him out of my heart. I wish I could forget. I wish I could turn off the feelings that burn up my heart. I never speak of him, I shutdown every thought of him with a mantra:
“you’ll never see him again, you’ll never be together, he doesn’t want you, he’s moved on, and so should you”,
and I entered into a loveless longterm relationship with a man (that I eventually had to end because I couldnt accept his proposal)….all this I have done and still he’s there. Unrequited love may be romantic in books and movies but it’s not for those who have to endure it.
Now, it has been more than 10 years of longing. I know now that he is happily married and has a little one of his own. When I stumbled upon this discovery by accident my heart broke all over again. For there on my computer screen was the incontrovertible proof that he was beyond me forever. And yet, despite my hurt, I was not envious, but rather unsurprised-of course, he had found someone. Truthfully, I am happy he has found someone to love and build a life with. I wouldn't wish the agony of a broken, longing heart on anyone.
I remember when I was young when I would pray and pray asking for only one thing: a love that would consume my whole heart and would last a lifetime. Perhaps I have received that wish. But it seems I was shortsighted, for I didn't ask to be the recipient of love with the same endless depths. Perhaps one day, someone new will come along that will forever cherish my boundless love. It would be a shame for so much love to go to waste.
