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Soooooo, updating my small following.

Went through such a traumatic breakup. I have been doing okay recently but today I noticed he deleted videos of us and now I am a little disheartened.

Unfortunately all good things come to an end - but this end was horrible. I felt like everything I did was in the prospects that we would be together in real life. I got cheated on multiple times and I didn't realize what a dog he was. Luckily my self worth does not come from a man but the thought I wasn't his everything while he was mine is shattering. I think I was delusional to say the least. Am I greiving what I once knew of a person I thought so highly of? I was sure he was the one I was going to marry.

If I had his baby I would've kept It - because I am crazy. I think I am currently grieving what I once had and what I lost. It's rare to find love and I found love in him. I wonder if the world did this as a lesson. I heard that he is apologetic from the voices out in the world. I am sorry too. Why did it end like this I am not sure but I can convince myself currently that it was a lesson. Everything was so perfect.

The world turned askew once this happened. Also knowing he is going out and meeting girls when he should've been working on himself made me realize he never wanted to get back with me at all. I know that your heart heals over time but for right now it's giving NO. I wish I never met him, I wish I never saw him. I wish I was the same person stepping into the world with my heart full of love and yearning. Now I am an empty shell of what I was - rebuilding everything I once was. I no longer feel the need to love anymore. I heard I'll have a long life. I never wanted to be here in the first place. I wish I didn't experience pain like I do, I am too sensitive to this world. The four walls are closing in on me. I wonder what my life would have been if I never met him. He ruined me and I have to fix myself back up. I wish I never experienced this type of this pain.

Gonna put my heart back on the shelf and just shut the fuck up.

I’m so scared of losing someone I love. I really am. I don’t think it will ever pain me more.

I’m so scared of love why did I do this to myself. I feel it ignite a fire in me, but I don’t want the flame to ever die I’m so scared. I don’t wanna exist If he’s not with me. I want him forever, I want him to be with me forever. I will love him forever.

I am writing once again from my minimum wage job!

So I am quitting both my bumfuck jobs because I got big girl job. Manifestation really works because I was writing that shit down like no tomorrow. I am excited but also a little scared. I have no idea how busy the work might be and I have no clue how it would be like. I also want to see my boyfriend but since I am starting a new serious job I can’t and it pains me.

But, I should focus on my growth as well - I wish we weren’t so fucking far. Okay thats all just wanted to say that.