half living

i just had a thought that might be important

some people from the times i was at my trully worst found me again, not to make fun of me or anything bad, they looked for me to invite at a school reunion

at first I thought like shit i wasn't even that much time with them

but as I entered the chat some people DM me asking if I was coming and telling me how much they missed me

And then it just hit me

years later, I never really got over it. It never ended. i just decided to forget and buried that though in the very back of my head like it never existed

it did and now that the old core found me it came back

there's a lot of things that still hurt to think back to these days

like who am I?, why did I started hating me for the first time? I wasn't even that ugly I never was

looking photos back then I was so cute and inocent

all that was taken away from me

but when did that even started?

I still can't remember what happened to me

when did that little girl loose herself I was just 12

It really hurts that nobody was for her to that day, I wish I could just give it a hug and tell her that she was truly loved and cared for

I remember her, not the bad, just how happy she was on times

How she liked reading books and cared of what other people liked

how she looked the invisible details about a single flower

I really loved her pasion

she's me, I'm now everything she ever wished for

almost like a year had gone and everything changed, totally, like a month later I started dating a guy it started horrible, we hated each other at some point but like enemies to lovers we found out we were needed.

he's cute, I know I should tell the beginning, but it is kinda hard. Some shit happened, and I'm not proud of it. it was abusive at first and took me time to realised how fucked up it was, then eventually I got better and took my place

now it's not perfect but I'm really trying, imma start with the bad stuff bc I'm really sad about it

he's extremely jealous, we're not int he same page (if you know what I mean) like if I ever want to go on a date I had to pay for it, I've never did this before (kinda weird), he's not taking any photos of me and he's not posting me in lit ANY social media, I sometimes feel bad about it, it kinda hurts

now I changed the ways, I'm just paying for what I eat, and nothing more (not half and half bc we don't eat the same), I'm not posting him on mi ig or some bc it's not mutual (so fk it), as soon as I started mirroring him he asked me why I was so mean at him, I almost forgot men ain't shit.

why some men are so weird like fr, whenever he want me to "confess" something he would start asking all the time "what's up" or "everything right?" like tf???, like EVERY SINGLE 3 SECS

now, I got tired, we had 2 exams in a row at the same day and by the end he just went "you're being mean, I feel like you don't wanna be with me" FRRR, BITCH I KUST GOT 2 EXAMS, IM TIRED AFFFF

nonono, I mean he's so sweet, he takes care of me, he's always paying attention to the details but he got some moods

Yesterday I saw him, it wasn't a date, we just had a day

I remember the time where he meant everything to me, I saw his eyes and everything made sense at the moment

I wanted to kiss him so bad but I couldn't it wasn't me

Wrote him a letter where I explained my feelings for him and how important is in my life

He haven't text again, not even a good night text or sum

that day was a complete mess, it started cool, I picked him of his work, and we were just fine, he told me how much perfect we are for each other and why we should be together but I told him I was dating someone, actually I wasn't but I needed to let him go or I would fall for him again, we got some drinks and at a certain point we got high together, big mistake.

I gave him the letter and told not to read until he got home, we got to our place and started talking about what happened with us, he were really trying, I mean...

(this is why he keeps me humble, he ain't got high-school, he left because problems of his family and stuff but he started taking English classes for me, he stopped smoking since we started dating and by this part he got into courses to finish HS, I got really proud and always told him)

at a certain point I started to freak out, time was overlapping and I tested my BFF "I'm really sorry, I'm with "A", I got high but I think I'm freaking out, come for me please" things got better and mi BFF help was not needed so he got me home totally safe, we started crying because idk why nothing worked for us.

like I know, he's not mean to me, but I really wanted to happen. I already realised we're not in each other's way, but if we ever got the chance again we'll try, we'll always try.

...

Since this going to be my new diary and nobody knows me it's a great time to talk about this

I can't talk about it with my friends because i was supposed to be over this a long time ago but it still hurts

A and I met a long time ago, for me it was love at first sight, we started dating a year later and kept dating a couple moths, he broke up with me after a meeting with his friends and I was totally destroyed I said it was fine but I honestly felt hard on it

I dated another guy, totally hated it, I saw A on ig dating a girl and I really tried to feel happy for him but I couldn't

We got together again, had a date to see again after almost 5 months of cero contact and I realised that I never stopped loving him

I remember that day perfectly, I was so exited but my friends refused the idea of me going back with my ex, he really loved me and I believed it

My best friend was totally hating and nobody was there for me to share my happiness,we talked about what we would do to not fail again and help us to improve on whatever didn't worked and first but it was useless

He broke up with me after a party, now that I'm writing this I can see that he was not a good man but I really loved him and it really hurt at the moment

My BFF once asked why do I loved him so much?

He was there

That's all, at my lowest, before my braces, before the skincare, before my ED, before my weight loss, he was there

I was a funking monster and he was there, he watched the whole transformation and the worst part of it, he was there when I was studying for my college admission, he saw me suffering at my freshman year of medicine

He was so proud of my recovery and tried to make for me a good time to eat, he never forced me to eat with him and never annoyed me with that. He told me every single day how beautiful I was even with my face full of scars because of my skin treatments and never failed with a kiss no matter how I would look

He asked me to date again for the third time but I couldn't, I love him so much but it hurts so bad watching him leave everytime

A pretty long time no see

Resume

I broke up with the tall guy, he ended up being an stalker

We broke up a long time ago, I almost forgot his name but he's still sending messages of how much he miss me, such a jerk

I'm still waiting for a sign, should I?

I feel like I could just take a step and fall hard but I'm scared

I noticed he cheers me up when I eat full meals, it's cute but I get it, he's soooo thin, I think we're on the same page, today he totally avoided my "did you eat?" Question, I'm not trying to press on him or sum

He's just like me but also so different, like a 3 steps more than me, idk

I just ended that for good, we agreed no bad feelings and we'd be happy for each other, not our time, we had fun, it was OK.

He was tall 6'3 (I'm 4'9) AND PRETTY.

He made me eat in front of him (I told him I don't like to eat I public, he didn't remember it, or maybe he didn't care at all) I was so shy the whole time at the restaurant, he even offered me a dessert. He was talking the whole time about him and his amazing story, I just heard it without thinking how much calories were in my pasta.

We later went to his apartment and while he went to the bathroom I checked his toys, clothes and books (too much anime for me, sorry) he asked for my favourite group and played like the whole The Neighbourhood discography, we had sex eventually but he wouldn't stop touching my belly, he was so skinny I was so jealous and scared, I looked terrible, I have my nipples pierced so he asked me to take off my shirt.

I felt so exposed, I like showing my nipps but not when I'm with someone visible thinner than me, I felt horrible after that, he didn't even tasted good, when he came in my mouth I almost throw up, it was so disgusting and I'm not dating him again.

I told him "this was your plan the whole time isn't it?" And he said "nope, I just thought you wanted me" and I felt disgusted.

In my life I had a big insecurity with my body, I had acne, I'm over weighted, my feet are weird, my legs are so thin in comparison with the test of my body, my body shape is hedius. And then a 6'3 boy, no ass, bad bleached hair, acne on back, cheeks, face, arms, legs, etc., with a disgusting taste and smell COMES TO MY LIFE TO MAKE ME FEEL DISGUSTING AGAIN

Shit, I'm so dumb, I wish I never cared about this stuff but I still feel bad, he told me he returned his city but today at night he posted a story on Instagram with another girl (she's so skinny and pretty) in a castle in MY CITY

I fucking hate men but I just get over them bc of their pp

It was cute, funny and cool

I'm 4'9, 52 kg and that's fucked up, cause I have no boobs, I'm skinny but my belly is always bloated.

A week ago I had a date with a guy, pretty cool, so sweet, 5'7, gamer, big ego, asshole, curly hair, JUST MY TYPE, a little chubby but I don't really care, I'm fat af so I cannot ask for more.

We had sex in his hotel room, his not from my city but it was cute, he never asked me to take of my shirt bc I told him I'm so insecure about it, not even asked for food, and we later watched a movie so I shouldn't be nervous. I felt so secure in there, I cannot explain.