What I do:

Unthinkable Death. 

Honestly, I have thought about what it would be like if I died. I wondered who would attend my funeral to who would even care or notice. I have wondered what my legacy will end up being and how long it would take before I’m completely forgotten. Each time, I’m left without answers for no one can predict the future and we always end up underestimating our worth to people.

What I do have a tough time thinking about is what it would be like if a friend or family member died. Have you ever thought about what you would do if right at this moment you found out that someone you loved was no longer here in this world? What were the last words you said to them? Could you even imagine that no new memories would made between the two of you and all the past memories would even be more significant now?

If I Were to Meet You Again.

There are some people in this world that once were an important part of your life. Though it may seem like you two are strangers that have never spoken or seen each other before, part of you doesn’t let you forget how much they once meant to you. Even though an argument, disagreement, or just drifting apart led to the disappearance of this person from your life, you are torn between wanting to run into them and never wanting to see them again.

Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like running into them again? What would you say or what would they say? Or would words even be said as you walked past each other ignoring all the history that stand between the both of you? Would you feel that rush of emotion as you realized how much you missed that person and wonder what could of been if you two stayed in each others lives or be grateful that they are no longer part of your life? Would you two try to catch up with each other and attempt to be in each others lives again, realize it’s too difficult to have the relationship you once had with this person, or just accept this person who once was your world was only destined be in a portion of your life?

Driving Aimlessly. 

There use to be a time when I would drive around aimlessly within the city limits under the blanket of darkness that people have named night. The silence of a sleeping city was suddenly filled with music that could only be described as a soundtrack to my life while the breath of the evening air could be felt blowing onto my face.

I didn’t know where I was going, but for the first in my life, it didn’t matter to know or to have a destination to end up at - it was more important to just enjoy the ride I was on. Bystanders who I passed probably thought I was lost, but the truth was that it finally felt like I was free from these shackles that were my problems and struggles. 

Believe In Yourself. 

If you’re reading this right now, than I just want to let you know to believe in yourself. There are way too many people in this world right now that don’t see how incrediable they are or are happy about who they are. I think its a damn shame that there are people who fall under depression when they do not think their beautiful, talented, or worthy of love and kindness - Especially when the truth is that through the eyes of others, they are that and so much more. 

So believe in yourself. Don’t seclude yourself from everyone in the world and let this loneliness consume you during those days when you don’t feel like your good enough. Don’t be embarrassed to show off what your good at or sharing your opinions no matter how flawed you may feel or even when you believe that no cares about what you have to say. Do not allow yourself to be your own worst enemy; and do not let those monsters that live in the darkest parts of your mind win. You deserve more than that. 

The Weight Of The World. 

There are times when I feel like I have this pressure and responsibility to be great that I can begin to feel the weight of this enormous expectation begin to pull me down. Does anyone else feel this way? We all dream of becoming successful, all hope that we are at least finically stable, and wish that in the end of it all, we can at least say we were happy with the life that we have lived. And with all of that, we never want to fall short of these expectations. We don’t want to end up disappointing our parents, our friends who believe in us, and ourselves. 

There is a fear that who I am at this very moment is not good enough; That I have to be better or forever be inadequate. I want to be able to say that my life meant something; that I made a difference in this world. I want to be able to say that I ended up doing something in my life that I loved to do surrounded by people I love. I want to be able to tell people that I didn’t fail; I want to look people in the eyes and see that I didn’t end up disappointing them.

The Day I Call Myself A Parent. 

Can I be honest for a second: I can not wait for that day when I can call myself a dad. It’s weird, but I look at my parents and I can not wait to love someone just as much as I know they love me. At the same time, it’s terrifying because I think everyone has a fear that they should never be trusted with the responsibility of the life of an another human being. It is hard to imagine how someone who can hardly keep their own life in track can one day care for and protect a child from the dangers of this world.

I can not help but wonder what kind of parent I will become after being so critical of the two who help raise me to be the person I am today. I wonder what lessons I will of inherited from my parents and pass down to my children. I wonder if I will have those qualities that I know kids just hate, such as being over protective, strict, or always comparing thing to “back in the day”. 

Things change. It’s a cliché that we all have all heard and used countless times in our lives. And as each second passes that eventually accumulates into a year, we realize that time chooses to ignore our desperate plea to slow down so we could take a deep breath and enjoy the moments we wish could be frozen and last for an eternity. Worse of all, is that we try to ignore the fact that things change and we become blindsided and betrayed by life when the world we were only starting to feel comfortable with changes before our eyes.

We face the unexpected by having to say goodbye to the people we always thought was going to be part of our future. Death, distance, fights, and broken hearts leave us in a state of depression and shock as people we loved suddenly disappear from our lives. The places we have become so familiar with becomes just a memory as we go from high school, to college, to finding new jobs and moving to new cities. And when we look in the mirror, we will see a much different person that we once thought we were from the past. We will be scared and broken by challenges and hardships we never saw coming but had to face. And we will also be more matured by the lessons that we have learnt and possibly even happier by the dreams and people that entered our lives; changing it for the better. 

It’s funny when you think about how the people that you want to be closest to were once upon a time just complete strangers to your life. How a nameless face would one day become something so much more than what you could ever expect. Did you really know the extent of how much you wanted to be close to a person the moment you said a simple hello and introduced yourself to them? 

It kind of just happens doesn’t it. You hang out with them a couple times and before it, you’re totally hooked. You want to know the person beyond the name and what you can see. At first you want to know about those simple things to ask, like the type of music they listen to or the type of movies they enjoy. Than you eventually go beyond knowing what their interests are as you begin to learn about their life…about their friends and family; those people who mean the most to them.

Have We Met Before.

There are times when I wonder if I already of managed to cross paths with a person who will one day be part of my life in the future. And if you believe in the concept of destiny, how weird would it be if life kept on pushing us towards the person we were always destined to be with but always just missed meeting? 

How funny would it be if you were actually standing right beside your soulmate during a concert a couple years ago, but just no words were spoken? Would it be too hard to believe that you two could of been at the same party, even had a conversation with each other, that has long been forgotten? And what if you two actually crossed paths, even for just a second, on the city streets or on a vacation a long time ago? And if you keep thinking about all these possibilities, you realize just how many forgotten faces you have seen over your lifetime and how you could of already met that person who will one day become the most important person in your life. For all you know, you might of admired them from a far but just didn’t have the courage to go up to them at the time. 

Broken.

I never want to look weak. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. And I don’t want to burden anyone else with the problems and demons that I have face everyday. But truth is, I don’t want to admit it to myself how broken I am. How defeated I am in what seems like an endless war against all the monsters that have come to haunt me in life; a war that I’m losing so tragically. 

I never wanted to be this person who seemed to been dealt a bad hand. This person who feels so flawed and misunderstood. A person who could surrounded by millions of people yet feel so alone. 

The Monsters Within This World. 

There are monsters within this world that haunt us. If you listen closely, you can hear them whispering as they cruelly mock what you feel most vulnerable about. As they wait patiently within the shadows of night, they make the most of their opportunity as you let your guard down and they infiltrates your thoughts.  

You can feel their presence as the clench their cold hands on the throat of your soul when it’s gets harder to breath as anxiety fills your body. They impersonate your voice as you begin to hear yourself say “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a failure”, and “No one really cares about me”. These monsters make a home in you and sometimes you can see them as you glance at the mirror. 

The Secrets Hidden Beneath The Mask.

A smile disguised an aching heart and a tortured soul. A laugh deafened the cries for help that is desperately needed. An act was mistaken for confidence and happiness. And being surrounded by people masked the loneliness felt within. These were only a few of the secrets hidden beneath the mask. 

You do not know me; maybe no one does. How many others out there are wearing a mask as well? Are we all an actor or actress worthy of an academy award for the deceiving those who surround us? Do people know those deep thoughts the swirl around your mind at night? Do people know why you end up crying when no one else is around to see? Do people know the anxieties and fears that slowly eats away at you?

Have you ever wondered how in the world some people have made it into your life? Was it coincidence that you met your best friend because you were placed in the same class or was it because of something more? Was it due to random chance that you met someone that you share a bond with that you could never imagine sharing with anyone else? Is life just a series of unplanned events of sheer coincidences that causes you to meet those people who have big parts of your life, face tragic events that have helped define you as a person, or caused you to be at a certain place at a certain time when something forever changes your life?

At this moment, there are over 7 billion people in this world. And at this moment, over 7 billion different stories are being written, and one of them is your own.

And unfortunately, in each one of these stories, there in a tragedy that is tucked away within it’s pages. A tear smearing the ink due to an indescribable sadness. And there are monsters of cruel intent that mocks and ridicules you into disparity and humility.

There will be times when we battling a war by ourselves because we get to self-absorbed into our own stories that we forget to look at others. All you have to do is open your eyes to the news, to status’, and to random posts on this very website to realize the problems every soul on this earth is facing.

Never Give In.

There is going to be a time when you will want to give up on everything. The world will knock you down sometimes and you will be tempted not to get back up. You will find yourself in dark places that seem inescapable and want to lose all hope that things will get better. And things will get incredibly hard, especially in moments when it feels like you are alone trying conquer the problems that life offers. 

But if I could give you one piece advice, it is to never give in to this these feelings of hopelessness. I think that there is part of all of us that that believes that we deserve to be happy, and it feels like the world is against us when it seems like it is trying to take that from us. The problem is that the world never owed us anything. We have to fight for our happiness just as much as we want it. 

Talking.

I miss talking to people. I don’t mean those everyday conversations we have with people as we go through our daily activities; but I mean really talking to someone. I’m talking about those conversations you have with someone when you go for a walk with them, sitting in the living room or at the kitchen table, or when it’s just really late at night when it feels like the rest of the world is asleep. It’s these conversations that makes time feel irrelevant and could last for hours without anyone noticing or caring. 

And when you get in these conversations with people, you learn more about them in those couple of hours than you ever did before. You learn about their views on the most random things and you realize how many deep thoughts swirl around their minds. You become lucky enough to see a side of people that most are not able to see, such as the thoughts that they keep to themselves and keeps them awake during the middle of the night. And slowly, you see how insightful so many people are, which forever changes how you see them.