Baby Come Back

My wife went over the top about having to sell the house and move again. She was devastated, because she is a houseplant. But as her anger grew over the impending move, the target of her ire switched from the house issue to me and my girlfriend. Yep, it usually comes back to me.

So throughout the night I was bombarded by her anger and desire for control, but I held fast. I admitted I wanted to go see my girlfriend but tried to handle it as gracefully as possible.

Day 33 arrived, we had a session of marriage counseling and I was just an observer. It was mostly about the wife’s pain of having to move and give up what she, and into be honest, consider a very lively home. It was dealt with as most issues are in a typical counseling session. But after….

Yes, after is where the magic lie. I asked the wife if she was satisfied with the session and what she got out of it. She said all the expected things, so she was happy with it.

She then asked me and I said, we need to talk about Vanessa.

This started a multi-hour discussion about how I want to go see Vanessa, how I stopped loving my wife 15 years ago (due to her infidelity), and how I will never feel the love and adoration for her that I once felt.

There is a lot of history I am leaving out, maybe I’ll cover that on another day.

Well all of the above finally got through. The wife realizes our marriage truly is over. I was pretty excited to hear her say these things. To hear her finally accept it!!

It really is hard separating from someone you have been with or over 40 years. I guess that goes without saying, but the sad reality is we should never have been together in the first place. I spent the majority of our relationship acting as a nice guy when in fact, I was full of resentment.

For years I resented my wife because of her frivolous spending, her almost non-existent sex drive, and for allowing herself to trampoline between serious obesity, and a normal weight. With most of her time spent in the obese range.

I understand that sounds like I am shallow, and perhaps I am but I do not have any sexual interest in obese women. Sorry, it’s just a fact. I’m OK with people being overweight. I mean most of us are, but there is a big difference between overweight and obese.

At any rate she has been throwing everything she has from our history at me since this discussion started. She has gone back to my first affair 40 years ago and stopped at most of the rest along the way. It’s interesting how, in her mind, it was all on me. Like I’m a sex fiend and I should have expected to have no sex life once we wed.

She thinks I’m a sick pervert because I like having anal with my babygirl, I like giving her facials, I love eating her for hours at a time. Yep, I’m a pervert and no woman actually likes anal, facials or any other “kinky” sex act.

Well, she doesn’t, which is a contributing factor to my needing to leave. But there’s much more. Perhaps the biggest is her outlook. She is extremely negative. Everything is always bad. And overly dramatic!! There are no molehills in this woman’s world.

None of that fits with me. And when I look at my babygirl how she is much more aligned with my worldview, it makes me happy and sad. Happy to have her, yet sad I’m not already with her.

Soon. I have a deadline and I will meet it! As I said, it’s hard, but I must do this in order to save my life. I cannot continue like I have been for the past 40 years. And the past 3 have been especially painful.

No worries, I’m used to it.

Now to start process of figuring out what needs to be done in order to maximize sales price.

Rest of day was blah, blah, blah. Nothing worth speaking about.

Oh. Girlfriend spent the day with her sister. I tried practicing pulling back, giving her space. I thought I did ok, but pulling back, as I mentioned yesterday or the day before, causes me issues. I don’t like not being myself and really being all in. But we are where we are. I think i should continue to practice this, but it’s not fun because it’s not who i am.

Yep, did that. And I went further and said that I think of my girlfriend and think about what my life would be like had I ran away with her instead of staying with the wife.

Well my therapist was very quick to put what I was saying together and regurgitate it for me to hear:

I am tired of living two lives. A semi-life here with the wife that is bearable, while I wait to die but void of any passion whatsoever. No thrill. No joy of living. And the life of having an LDR with a woman I love that provides passion, joy, adventure, and yes, great sex.

Maintaining these two lives is no longer providing benefit. It has reached the point where I need to make my way out. And my therapist heard this loud and clear.

But she did pose some interesting questions. For example, if I did not have my babygirl waiting, would I want to leave? Would I want to change my life?

She told me to ponder that, but I have been pondering this for years. Well before my BBG and I separated. And the answer is Yes!

My Babygirl is the only person I can think of that has ever placed my needs before her own. So I KNOW the kind of life we will have together and I am eager to get there.

But even if I did not have her, though I would be very sad, I would still want out of this marriage. Out of the relationship I’m currently in. Because this is a life that offers no rewards for me. Other than the relationship I have with family members.

I get no passion. I want to touch, kiss, hug, dance, cuddle, and yes, FUCK someone that desires the same! Does this make me shallow? Selfish? Am I a Narcissist? Beats the fuck out of me, but that is what I want! Did God make me this way to torture me for however many years I spend on this planet, or am I supposed to grow? To chase my dreams as if my life depends on it?

Maybe, but I’m not going down without a fight because I believe my life DOES depend on my dreams. At least trying. Putting myself out there and pray that my Babygirl is also all in!

Look, I’m truly sorry I have no attraction to my spouse! It’s not just her physical nature, its the way she looks at life. Mostly from a pessimistic viewpoint. As I am mostly optimistic, years of having this opposite force push against me has produced a tiredness I can no longer deny. The lack of attraction come primarily from a lack of connection. And I can no longer fake it.

So I will continue to ponder my life after marriage. What I want, what I am willing to change, even though I already know the answer and I hope with all my heart my babygirl thinks and feels the same way!!

Oh, almost forgot, my babygirl wanted me to use an example of a conversation we shared when I talked to my therapist as a way to show the therapist where my head is.

I shared that example.

The therapist said it sounds like I’m reading between the lines. Wanting to protect my BBG and keep what is “ours” ours, not sharing with strangers. The therapist also thought that some intimate exchanges should not be viewable by anyone with a log in to Tumblr.

She added that my babygirl might have only been thinking of expediency, the easiest way to share information, or she’s intrigued at the thought of sharing things anonymously.

So I may be nuts, but my heart is pure. I love you babygirl, I do want to protect you, and I don’t want to share you, but you already know that.

Of course had you presented the example, the therapist might have had a totally different take.