dad hated caffeine. even if oliver bought his own coffee and left it in the kitchen, labeled and everything so his siblings didnât take it, it would likely be thrown out by pogo, because their father never dared step foot in the kitchen. he paid people to do that. oliver, on the other handed, needed caffeine to survive. he didnât do well without it and the throbbing migraine behind his left eye was a testament to that. it wasnât a hard decision to get coffee but getting out of bed despite the pain was where it got tricky.Â
after sending a quick text to his siblings asking if they wanted anything from the coffee house a few blocks from the academy, he left and had already made his mind up that if they didnât reply by the time he got there, they werenât getting anything.Â
or at least, he tried to be firm in his resolve. waiting for a reply from everyone, he stepped off to the side, watching his phone anxiously. feeling someone else standing near him, he didnât look up. âyou can go ahead, iâm not in line.â
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â  ELLIOT FLETCHER  ,  29  ,  TRANS MALE  ,  MEMORY MANIPULATION  â  oh  ,  of  course  you  know  about  OLIVER HARGREEVES  !  you  know  , NUMBER  6  of  the  SPARROW  ACADEMY  ?  dad  keeps  saying  that  HE  is  SELF-DESTRUCTIVE &  EVASIVE ,  but  pogo  would  say  theyâre  INNOVATIVE  &  OBSERVANT  .  theyâve  always  reminded  me  of  staying up late with a flashlight to read under the covers , smoking a joint and sharing conspiracy theories that just grow more and more wild , drowning your sorrows at the bottom of a bottle , and being on the subway during a breakdown, but itâs fine, because thereâs a book to be read and all the time in the world ,  even  more  now  theyâre  under  pressure .  i  canât  wait  to  see  how  this  pans  out  !
A Guide to Feeling Like A Disappointment
Step One: You are not special. Youâre one of seven siblings, all born on the same exact day and raised by a man who is not your biological father. Itâs the only life youâve ever known but itâs still a little unfair. There are no birthday kids, just birthday children, and the party is shared. Youâre all powered but it is not equal power. You are ranked and the higher than ranking, the more use you are to your father. That doesnât sit well with you as Number 6.
Step Two: From a young age, youâve felt like the outcast. Youâre given a name that doesnât fit right and a uniform, including a skirt, that makes you self conscious. You ask one of your brothers if you can have a pair of their pants but your father finds out and you get in trouble for not following his rules. Your sisters wear their skirts without issues, why canât you? You spend the night crying and staring at yourself in the mirror but the next morning, pretend that nothing happened. Itâs oddly comforting that your dad never calls you by the name you were given. Youâve only ever been Number 6.Â
Step Three: Your powers arenât the most useful. Certainly not during a fight. You canât help protect people and, if it wasnât for the rigorous training, youâd hardly be able to protect yourself. You were never the most athletic, the most gifted physically, but you werenât above using your powers to make your siblings, and occasionally your father, forget that. You warp memories freely, making your siblings believe you bested them in competition, making your father think youâd done something to be proud of. They catch on quickly and, though your siblings complain that youâre cheating, your father says that you adapted. Later that night, he reminds you, none too gently, to never use your powers on him again.Â
Step Four: There is a disconnect between you and your family. Youâre not one of the boys and donât feel accepted by them but youâre not one of the girls either. None of your clothes feel right. You canât look at yourself in the mirror because you hate what you see. It leads to many breakdowns in the privacy of your room and you end up crying yourself to sleep more often than not. Itâs not until you turn thirteen and begin to sneak out, meeting up with people your father would disapprove of that you have a word for it. Transgender.
Step Five: Knowing why youâre different is a ton of bricks off your shoulders but it wasnât the only ton there in the first place. You agonize over whether or not to come out, to tell your family but you donât. A part of you feels like an impostor and another part feels like even if youâre not, youâll never belong to either your family or the trans community. After training on a child, where your ponytail was used against you and you were thrown to the floor after one of your siblings got a hold of it, you grab the kitchen shears, cutting your ponytail off and leaving it short. Itâs the first step towards feeling more like yourself, but when your father demands to know what youâve done to yourself, you assure him that itâll grow back. And then you remember that itâll grow back.Â
Step Six: At age sixteen, you begin to stay out later, sneaking out more and more to meet up with the people that taught you about yourself. They call you every name you try, never faltering, never getting your pronouns wrong. They listen when you say youâre Jack now and four months later, when you say that youâre Dalton, they call you that. When you broach the topic to your father about maybe wanting to change your name, youâre met with scorn. And once you make him forget that you ever asked, you determine that youâll never be allowed to do it. You use an ace bandage to bind for a while, using weed to ease the pain that comes from the bandage cutting into your skin. The pain and the cuts are a small price to pay.
Step Seven: You try to run away multiple times throughout your youth, each time making it a little further than the last. At seven, after being compared to one of your siblings, you make it as far as the next block over before your nanny catches you. At ten, you plan ahead of time and do it in the middle of the night but the door creaks when you open it and the noise wakes your father. At twelve, you think preemptively and go out the window and down the fire escape. You get held up at the bus station trying to buy a ticket. At fifteen, you buy a ticket ahead of time and make your escape out the window but you miss your bus. Itâd almost be humorous if you werenât so desperate to leave. Each time you end up in trouble, not being brave enough to use your powers on your father to make him forget after what happened when you were a child. He tells you that heâs disappointed that youâd prefer to run away instead of reaching your full potential. You snap that night and ask if heâs ever been anything but disappointed in you. Again, itâs reassuring that he only refers to you as Number 6 and not by the all too feminine name youâd been given. You are sent to bed and grounded for your attitude, but youâre never given a straight answer about how if heâs proud of you. It doesnât matter. You know he isnât.Â
Step Eight: You get caught making a variety of mistakes during your teenage years. With your power set being what it is, you find yourself being careless when it comes down to it. Getting busted with a few ounces of weed on you would surely get you in at least a little trouble, especially considering your friends have attitude with the cops but you toy with their heads, pulling out the memories of you and your friends and replacing them with false memories of the officer finding out his partner had purchased weed. You make his partner remember buying it. You lose your stash in the process but its worth it. After erasing the dash cam, you and your friends are on your way with the cops none the wiser. You were not made for combat but thatâs fine. Your powers worked in your favor anyway.
Step Nine: One of your siblings notices you having breathing issues during training when you are sixteen and word gets back to your father. You are cornered and forced to explain that youâve been binding. It does your father no good to have you unable to breathe, unable to fight. When he offers you top surgery, you feel like itâs a trap but within a matter of months, youâre flat. Waking up in the hospital room and being under the anesthesia, you cry. You begin taking testosterone and keep your hair short again. Your old name is left in the dust, though you sample a few more throughout the years. When you turn eighteen, you settle on Oliver, get a license that has a M instead of an F on it. You look and feel and present the way you want. But itâs not enough.
Step Ten: Your final step in feeling secure is to erase all memories of the girl you used to be. You toy around in your siblingsâ heads, make them remember you only as Oliver. Itâs not an easy task and some of the memories start to get a little fuzzy by the time you get to your childhoods. The memories are more synthetic than necessary, almost like theyâre sugarcoated and hazy but you couldnât resist. They flowed seamlessly enough and you may have felt like the outsider all your life but now they wouldnât remember you as one.Â
You didnât erase your fatherâs memories of who you used to be though. You want him to remember where you started, in the hopes of making him proud someday. You doubt you ever will though.