Don’t Kiss Seals

If I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.

In the distance, illuminated by the soft light trickling through the ocean’s productive surface layer, swims a large, churning mass. As the mass moves closer, its true identity becomes apparent: a massive school of yellowfin tuna (Thunnus albacares). As they pass by, you notice some are the length of an adult man, if not larger. Their rounded, torpedo-shaped bodies and thin, crescent-shaped tails allow them to slice effortlessly through the water. They swim perpetually, without pause, from birth until death.

Where are they going? Perhaps they’re seeking a nearby feeding spot, using their keen sense of smell to locate potential prey. Or maybe, they’re on a longer journey, swimming across an entire ocean.

What is regional endothermy? Why do tuna undergo ‘bounce dives’? Why do they have a unique, special partnership with dolphins?

Learn more about one of the fastest fish in the ocean at the link below to my blog, LivInSeas!

Mini lore snippet lol: at first I just doodled the cat alone in the middle of a page, but I loved him so much I just turned the page and drew the whole thing. He's so great.

Welcome to a well-lubricated Wet Beast Wednesday. Today's topic is the butt of jokes for its unfortunate name. I'm going to show you that there's more than just jokes to the slippery dick. I am going to make jokes, though. I can't just let a chance to use this kind of innuendo pass. And if the jokes don't land my excuse is that I'm sleep deprived and writing this while hiding from a tornado.

(Image: a male slippery dick. It is a torpedo-shaped fish with a green body. Two broad and indistint stripes run down the body and it has may pink lines on the face. End ID)

The slippery dick (Halichoeres bivittatus) is also known as the sand reef wrasse, but that's lame. Why would you call it something boring when you could call it a slippery dick? Anyway, the slimy shlong is a type of wrasse, a widespread family of mostly tropical fish with some interesting biology. They grow up to 35 cm (14 in) and have three distinct color patters called phases based on what part of the life cycle they are in. The juvenile phase is seen in juvenile fish. In this stage, they are mostly white, with two dark stripes running down the body, though they can be darker colors as well. The initial phase is seen in adult females. They are still mostly white, but with a pink tinge and their lines are different colors. There is quite a bit of variation between individuals. The terminal phase is seen in adult males. They are green, with broad, brown to orange stripes and pink lines of the face and fins. The slippery dick gets its name from a coating of mucus it secretes that helps it slip away from predators.

(Image: a female slippery dick. It has the same body shape as the male, but is mostly white with a black line and a yellow line. There's some pink shading on the top. End ID)

The lubricated dong is found in shallow, coastal waters on the east coast of the Americas, from the southern USA to northern Brazil and throughout the Gulf of Mexico, Bahamas, Caribbean, and Bermuda. They prefer sandy or rocky bottoms and are often found around coral reefs. Gooey growers are predators who feed on smaller fish, worms, urchins, crabs, and snails and slugs. They are also hunted by larger fish, sharks, and other predators. Hunting primarily takes place at the bottom or around coral heads and juveniles spend more time in simpler terrain (such as sand) while adult hunt more in complex terrain. They are also known to act as cleaner fish for larger animals. Cleaner fish will eat parasites and dead skin off of larger animals and in return will not be eaten while they are cleaning. Slippery dicks are described as curious (probing, even) and not shy. They move often and rarely rest. Male slippery dicks are territorial and solitary while juveniles and females are social and will form schools with each other and other species of wrasse.

(Image: a male slippery dick facing the camera with a mouth full something that might be a brittle star. A female is next to him. End ID)

As with many wrasses, the slimed-up cock is a protogynous sequential hermaphrodite. Sequential hermaphrodite means they can change sex during their life and protogynous means they start as females. All slippery dicks are born as females and the largest ones can transform into males with a process that takes about 4 weeks to finish. The change is triggered by a low male population and by size, with only fish above 30 cm changing. Slippery dicks mate in summer during the day and prefer to be in direct sunlight. During mating season, the males form leks, territories where they will display for females. The display takes the form of a dance where the male attempts to display his prowess and fitness as a mate. Males will fight over leks and mates. When a female chooses a male, they will mate. While it would make me giggle like a 4th grader to say the male puts his slippery dick in her wrasse hole, the mating is actually external, as with most fish. The two will swim side by side over the reef and release their gametes. Sometimes another male will attempt to butt into the the mating and release his own sperm. Fertilized eggs are buoyant and drift in the current before hatching in about a day. The lifespan of a slippery dick is unknown.

(Image: a juvenile slippery dick. It has the same body shape as the adult but with an almost all-white body. One of its lines is clearly visible, the other is faded. End ID)

Gooey girths are classified as least concern by the IUCN, meaning they are not in danger of extinction. They are abundant in their ranger, but as they rely on coral reefs to some extend, damage to reefs is a threat to them. That means that pollution, global warming, and ocean acidification are threats to them. Frictionless frankfurters are not commercially fished and are rare in the pet trade. I don't know if they're edible, but I'm positive someone, somewhere, has tried to eat a dick.