Okami

stupid loser family

Is the playboy act REALLY just an act?

Bruce: Ugh, thank you, but please don't compare me to an owl.

Dani: Why?

Bruce: I prefer to be wise like....a fox.

Danny: No matter how much you try to manifest it, you will not grow up to be a silver fox. That's Alfred's title and no one can challenge him for it.

Alfred: Thank you Master Danny.

Bruce: No that's not the reason. I just don't like owls.

Dan: Is this about Owlman?

Bruce nervously: Ha ha who?

Dan whispering to his siblings: In an alternate universe, Bruce goes crazy and dresses up as Owlman.

Danny whispers back: In comparison to the sane decision, of dressing up as Batman?

Dan: Owlman liked to murder people. Batman just likes to hit them

Dani: Who's Batman?

Danny/Dan: What? We've been living with Batman for the past eight months. I mean, he doesn't know that we know, but we know.

Dani: Stop talking at the same time. It's creepy. That's how you wind up at the orphanage. Bruce can barely stand that we're posing as triplets and I dont know about you idiots, but I am not going to be a eight year old orphan in a Gotham Orphanage.

Danny: Oh bo-hoo you got de-aged four years, I lost six! I was two years away from a driving license!

Dan: I was twenty four. And now I'm eight. But honestly, I kinda like it. My back pain is gone.

Bruce: Kids? Why are you whispering under the table like that?

Danny/Dan/Danny: I was just telling them how much the nannies at pick up go wild whenever Alfred walks by.

Bruce: .....

Dani: Why are you silent? Was it the weird three voices speaking at once thing? I told them not to do that anymore. We are open to an exorcism if you think it helps.

Bruce: No. I just had flashbacks to when Alfred would drop me off at shcool. So many nannies that were.....excited and verbal about thier excitement.

Alfred smug: I still got it.

Maddie: Your father and I knew that you were disappointed to miss out on the family reunion because of your husband's surgery, so we decided to skip it this year and come give you some support in caring for him!

Jack: As well as giving you a break. You must be under so much stress taking care of him and the kids!

Danny, having been lying about his marriage for the past two years to get out of family obligations: Wow... that's so sweet of you.

Maddie: I'm so excited to meet everyone! When you said you were moving to a new Earth, I knew communication through the Ghost Zone was going to be rough, but only being able to connect audio calls once every four months was much harder to endure than I thought it would be.

Jack: Not to mention traveling here. We had to do so many pit stops to fix up the Spectator Speeder and let me tell you, some of those floating rocks were hard to land on. Sometimes makes me wish we had your ghosts powers.

Danny: Yeah....you both went through so much effort. To vist me. In a different dimension.

Maddie: We three! Jazz is here too.

Danny: *gulps* The whole family is here.

Jack: Oh, don't make that face. The Fenton Reunion happens every four years. We'll see your aunts, uncles, and cousins next time. You're much more important to us, so no need for guilt.

Danny: I- right. Of course. Um, have you guys eaten? I can treat us to some dinner before we go back to my place. My, um, husband is at a doctor's appointment with my eldest while I did some work. I'm going on emergency family leave but I had to fill out the paperwork at the office today. Yup yup, thats why I'm here. At my workplace.

Maddie: You alright sweetie? You're sweating a lot.

Danny: I'm fine!

Jack: You work here? This office building is so nice. What does Wayne Enterprise do? I know you have a management position but I never really understood what department exactly.

Danny, who works in the mail room: Um, Wayne Enterprise does a little of everything. I'm in... communications.

Jack: But what exactly does communications do-

Danny: Excuse me for a bit. I have to let my husband know I'm going to be a little late.

Maddie: Oh! Don't tell the kids we're here. We want it to be a suprise. We brought gifts for all of them! Jazz is actually wrapping them up in the Speeder now!

Danny: Ha ha ha ha of course! Excuse me! *walking away pretending to be tapping a contact on his phone* shit shit shit. What do I do???

Damian appearing from the shadows: You told falsehoods.

Danny: Agh!

Damian: ....

Danny: Mr. Wayne Al Ghul! I-ugh- hello! I mean, good afternoon, sir. I ugh-

Damian: Silence

Danny: Yes sir.

Damian: I heard everything, and while I normally find lies distasteful, I find your parents endearing. It could benefit my family. I shall give you aid in your facade.

Danny: What?

Damain: My father recently had surgery on his right hip- a accident on our extreme skiing trip- and refuses to listen to our family doctor. He will not get the proper bed rest he's been ordered, but he would if you acted like his very upset husband with visting in-laws.

Danny: I- Mr. Wayne would never agree to that.

Damian: You seem to believe Father has a choice.

Danny: I-

Damian: I messaged Richard about the plan. He's gathering my siblings' support as we speak. When you arrive after dinner with your family, Father will have no time to deny anything. We shall trap him in social expectations. By the way, you are Timothy's safe queer adult who was there for him in the early years of his self-discovery journey and now he wants to help you. Its how we guilt trip father.

Danny: I can't lie to Bruce Wayne like that!

Damian: It's too late. Timothy already made a shirt of your face with the words "My Gay Yoda" on it. Your path has been chosen.

Danny: What-

Jack: Danny? Who's this?

Damian holding out his arms for a hug: Grandfather, I am Damian, Father's and Dad's youngest.

Jack: Damian! Its so nice to met you. Call me Gran-papa! *crushes him in a bear hug*

Damian in the most monotone voice ever: Gran-papa, I can not feel my arms.

Maddie: Aren't you just the cutest! Danny used to say the same thing at your age whenever his dad hugged him. I'm your Gran-mama, by the way! JAZZ COME MEET THE BABY!

Dick: I know, I know. I'm not allowed to date your friend.

Jason: I mean it, Dick. You have a weakness for red heads and Jazz-

Dick: -Is not looking for a relationship or situationship. I know. You said so at least ten times on the way over here. Come on Jay, have a little faith.

Jason: Alright. Just be cool. *opens door* and welcome to Jazz's Bookshelve. The best place to read and listen to slow jazz.

Dick: *whistles* You weren't kidding when you said this place had a cool theme. But is that shelve all the books they have?

Jason: Nope. I told you the front part was a Coffee shop styled like a bar for a reason. This was a speakeasy back in the 1920s, and behind that bookshelf is the entrance, which leads down into the speakeasy, which is what they turned into the bookshop. The live jazz band plays down there too.

Dick: Very nice. Whoever thought about the idea was a genius

Danny behind the bar: Thank you for the compliment. I'll let Jazz know someone loved her idea today.

Dick: ....

Jason: Hey Danny!

Danny: Hey Jay, back again for another drink and a speakeasy read?

Jason: You know it. By the way, the man frozen in place like a idiot is my older brother. Dick this is Danny Fenton, the owner's brother and my friend.

Danny: Nice to meet you.

Dick:.....

Danny: He doesn't talk much, does he?

Jason: No, he does. A lot Normally he be a chatter box. The only time he freezes is when- Oh come on! I told you the condition!

Dick: He doesn't count! You said the redhead! Not the cute barista!

Danny: Cute barista? Thank you. I try.

Jason: I can't believe you. This is junior high all over again! Stop flirting with my friends!

Dick: *gasp* I don't flirt with your friends! They flirt with me!

Danny: Can't blame them.

The first to realize this was—oddly enough—Jordan. Perhaps because he was the one who paid the most attention to the weirdly soft(?) and trusting way Batman treated his Robins, it stood out as an anomaly against the usual grumpy, asshole-ry way he treated just about everyone else (and Jordan in particular).

This, perhaps, made Hal more prone to paying attention whenever Batman and his little bat-clan interacted; eventually, he just sort of… assumed Batman was their father, and assumed everyone else had assumed the same thing as well.

Such assumptions were confirmed when Nightwing, during an extremely critical mission that had nearly gotten all of them killed, shouted “Dad!” at Batman in a moment of panic.

No one had really been concerned with that at the time (they had all been a little too busy not dying), but afterwards everyone had acted strange around the apparently new finding, as if they hadn’t already known that

He was confused on why everyone was being so weird about it, wasn’t it, like, obvious? That confusion lasted right up until Superman, sounding deeply concerned, asked Batman his age (he, naturally, only got a glare in return).

Then it downed on him: it had never really occurred to him prior to that moment to make the mental math… Batman looked, at most, mid to late thirties, while Nightwing was clearly in his mid twenties.

Oh.

Oh.

Sure, literally everyone in this family, including Bruce, are publically out it's still normal to be afraid to come out and Bruce thinks he just needs an extra push.

He starts asking Duke things about his love life, starts saying shit like "I'm always here for you, you know that right?" and even resorts to dumbass shit like leaving little rainbow flags in places he knows Duke will find them.

Duke is freaking out.

Duke: guys, Bruce is acting really strange.

Jason: he's always acting strange. It's Bruce.

Duke: yeah but like extra strange

Tim: strange how?

Duke: idk man he's like, being strangely supportive. Like in a creepy way. And he keeps asking if I have a "lover" and what my type is. It's really weirdly invasive and I don't know what to do

Everyone:

Jason, starts laughing hysterically:

Dick: Duke-

Tim: oh my god.

Dick: Duke he-

Steph, wheezing: holy shit

Dick: Duke he thinks your gay and he's trying to see if you'll come out to him

Duke: but I'm not gay ????

Jason, still laughing: I think he just assumes any kid around him is some form of gay at this point

Damian: I suppose none of us are heterosexuals

So, Duke has to sit Bruce down and break the news that he is straight and exclusively likes girls. Bruce is surprised, thanks him for telling him and now says shit like "I know it's hard but we can get through this"

The kids love it.

Dick: That's correct, yes.

TSH: So, what was it Like Coming out? Was it still intimidating, even though you were surrounded by people just like you?

Jason: well, you see: most of us didn't really "come out" in the way people usually do. The only two that had a formal conversation with B was Tim and Duke.

TSH: Duke?

Duke, cuing up the tears: it was... really hard, being the only straight person in a house full of non-straight people...

Duke, sobbing dramatically: the hate I've faced as a straight man has been... ohhhh!

Duke, barely suppressing his laughter: I was so worried I was gonna be kicked out!

Tim, laughing, making up a lie: I had to tell Bruce that I liked women AS WELL AS men, just for Duke to be comfortable coming out as straight.

Danny: The one with the glasses?

Bruce: Yes. His name is Clark Kent. He can be trusted.

Danny: Okay. *Writes note down* What about the woman next to him?

Bruce: That's Cat Grant, and no, she can't be trusted. Everything you say to her will turn into a gossip-lifting, life-ruining article.

Danny: Got it. *writes more notes*

Jason, watching the two from a few feet away: Say, who's that kid Bruce is media training? Is he a new ward he took in?

Tim: No, that's Danny Fenton, the face of Fenton Works. They signed up as a sub-company of Wayne Enterprise. Originally, they were a paranormal investigation and capture company- yes, I mean ghost hunters- but it was discovered that almost all thier tech can be used on metas. Bruce wants to make medical equipment that can be used by our enhanced citizens.

Jason: I see. But why a kid so young? He's your age, right?

Tim: Hmm, apparently his parents, the owners of Fenton Works, made him CEO so they could focus on ghost hunting and the occasional meta medical machines for Bruce. He got here a week ago to shadow me for CEO training, and Bruce stole him after they met outside my office. Danny hangs onto his every word, and I think Bruce forgot what it was like to have a kid actually listen to him.

Jason: Ah thats makes sense. What do you think of him?

Tim: Well, he's a little naive, easy to trick, and has way too much empathy for the cold world of business. I'm gonna have him in my bed.

Jason: Ah....well that took a turn. One I do not like so I'm gonna....*walks away*

Tim: He will be ✨️mine✨️

Remarkably competent (because he wouldn't hide that from a "student" the way he does from the wider public) and unusually chill. Most are one or the other. By now he has a LOT of experience explaining things to all sorts of people, so he's good at it and adaptable.

Yeah he started out inheriting a LOT but he also tries very very hard to do well by ALL employees AND the city AND give away as much as possible, he just has to do it via setting up his own damned charities because Gotham was corrupt as sin and its the only way to make sure at least most of the money actually does what its meant to.

And both Gotham and a lot of the world love him for it, so he never goes bankrupt despite his mega charities. (In most continuities.)

Bruce has a little shadow trailing his every step and hanging off every word. He even has the right look. Bruce is feeling all nostalgic about when his kids respected him.

Also you have to love how pissed Vlad probably is. He should be the mentor! Maddie should have signed a deal with him! (Rage ghost noises)

Possibly all three if our Bi-Queens decide they want a throuple.

Danny: The one with the glasses?

Bruce: Yes. His name is Clark Kent. He can be trusted.

Danny: Okay. *Writes note down* What about the woman next to him?

Bruce: That's Cat Grant, and no, she can't be trusted. Everything you say to her will turn into a gossip-lifting, life-ruining article.

Danny: Got it. *writes more notes*

Jason, watching the two from a few feet away: Say, who's that kid Bruce is media training? Is he a new ward he took in?

Tim: No, that's Danny Fenton, the face of Fenton Works. They signed up as a sub-company of Wayne Enterprise. Originally, they were a paranormal investigation and capture company- yes, I mean ghost hunters- but it was discovered that almost all thier tech can be used on metas. Bruce wants to make medical equipment that can be used by our enhanced citizens.

Jason: I see. But why a kid so young? He's your age, right?

Tim: Hmm, apparently his parents, the owners of Fenton Works, made him CEO so they could focus on ghost hunting and the occasional meta medical machines for Bruce. He got here a week ago to shadow me for CEO training, and Bruce stole him after they met outside my office. Danny hangs onto his every word, and I think Bruce forgot what it was like to have a kid actually listen to him.

Jason: Ah thats makes sense. What do you think of him?

Tim: Well, he's a little naive, easy to trick, and has way too much empathy for the cold world of business. I'm gonna have him in my bed.

Jason: Ah....well that took a turn. One I do not like so I'm gonna....*walks away*

Tim: He will be ✨️mine✨️