will we be scared?

goodnight robert

I’m both too self-assured and too shy to handle!

Thought I’d handle this stage okay and I think I am but there’s something about the day-to-day of watching the pup that saved you and your mama’s life just deteriorate that feels incomprehensibly unbearable. Something about it forces mourning of the last 15 years and how simultaneously painful + nostalgic this era of life has been. All centered around one perfect pup. It really makes me feel like my body could just explode. I’ve been doing so good about using this time home to mend so many things I never had time or space to heal, and I do my best to enjoy the days I have left with Coda, there’s just no sense in or remedy for how upsetting this is in the body. It’s been so loud to me how much I’ll miss his paw taps on the tile. How the doggy door will be unused. How the toys and shirts and leash will be left. It’s corny to write maybe, I guess I just mean to say this for myself that it’s okay that this is so personal. Because it is. He saved me so he’s in my bones, and it makes sense that my bones are starting to feel like they could just crumble.