Ohbehave's Dusty Corner

August 21st: My mother died. She was getting ready to go to the hospital for a sore knee that just wouldn’t get better. I was with her all morning helping her get ready. She showered, picked out clothes for the stay and besides being in pain due to her knee and tired from a lack of sleep and food she was her normal self.

Before the medical transfer arrived she collapsed in the hallways into my father’s and my arms. She never got back up.

I called for an emergency and the EMTs did all they could and it looked like they got her heart going again but she just didn’t have anymore fight in her. After trying everything they could the ER doctors told me it was time to say goodbye. My father was still on his way to the hospital as I came with the ambulance. I stayed with her through all of it as I know she wouldn’t have wanted to be alone with people she didn’t know speaking a language she wasn’t fluent in. I had to tell them when I was ready for them to stop CPR. I watched my beautiful mother die, for the second time that day, and had to say goodbye for the last time.

I had to tell my father when he arrived that she was gone. They had just celebrated 20 years of marriage. I then had to manage calling everyone who needed to be called. My brother was the hardest to get a hold of. Thankfully my aunt told everyone else in the family over in the USA for me, but only after I was able to tell my brother.

As of now we are still waiting on the autopsy report to hopefully find out what went wrong. We are also still waiting to get her ashes back from the crematorium as there is a 4 week holding period by law.

Life has really been a blur since then. I went back to work a week later as I needed the distraction. I couldn’t sit around thinking of it any more.

Also during August I found a lump in my right breast. I didn’t tell my mother as to not worry her. She never found out. A few days after her death I got the results back from my scan, it is a benign swelling of the tissue most likely from an injury. I hit my breast on a lot of things so that sounds about right. It should shrink into a small hard lump of scar tissue. I will keep an eye on it and if it doesn’t do down I will get another scan.

August blurred into September and I continued working as much as possible... I had to call in sick a few times as it was just too heavy some days... it still is.

(Taken a few years ago after she cut my hair short so it could be donated)

September 19th - When I came home from work I noticed Monkey wasn’t acting right. He was clearly sick. I held him and examined him but besides being sleepy and a little skinny he seemed ok. No breathing problems, still talking a little, drinking every now and then. He wouldn’t eat though and after watching him for a few hours I noticed him vomiting (or at least I think he was...). I gave him some cuddles as he slept in my hand for a while as I looked him over. Giving hem a little extra love while he would let me. He then wanted back in his cage so I put him in, turning on the infrared light, and made an appointment at the bird vet for the next day, just in case it wasn’t just a passing chill.

Mama bird was messing with him and not letting him sleep so I offered him the nesting box decked out with a sleeping hut, food, and water. He crawled in pretty fast and I hung it on the side of the cage where he could still get some of the infrared light and undisturbed sleep. I pulled the cover over the sides to make it cozy for him and let him be. I checked on him once more before going to bed and he was sleeping on the food bowl with his head over his shoulder like he usually does.

September 20th: I woke up around 9am because I felt I needed to check on him. I pulled the cover off the nesting hut and it looked like he was sleeping with his head against the cage. I tapped gently on the box to wake him. He didn’t move. Monkey died in his sleep (I hope) sometime in the night. I gently took him out and held him for a little bit. I keep thinking why couldn’t I have noticed sooner that something was wrong. Why are they so good at hiding these things!

I let Mama bird say her good byes as I read it helps with their mourning if they get a chance to see why their mate is leaving. She poked him a little, groomed him. She tried her best to wake him up and he just wasn’t waking up. After about 10minutes I took him back out as I didn’t want her harming his body by accident as she was getting a little too rough.

I tried showing Baby but he was to scared to get too close. I laid Monkey outside of the cages where he could be seen while I canceled the vet appointment and told my partner and father. I then made arrangements to have him cremated. I miss my little fluff baby so much. He was such a good boy and deserved so much more than I could give him.

I went to work but had to stop midway as I was a crying mess. Life was just getting too real at that moment and all the emotions of the past month came flooding back. I was ready to collapse and give in to my grief.

We picked up his ashes this evening. They separated his id band for me. I don’t know why but I asked them to... not like I can do much with it. It isn’t legible anymore. He is resting in a heart shaped box which is large enough for the rest of his family when the time comes, which I really hope isn’t for a long time. His box is nestled between Dozey (my first true fur baby, had his from his birth until he passed suddenly in 2011) and Tippy (Dozey’s sister and my mothers companion for 13 years) in the hutch for now.

I’ve been keeping a close eye on Mama bird and Baby to make sure they aren’t sick either but both seem to be doing ok. They call out for Monkey every now and then which breaks my heart. They do this roll call thing where one will chirp and the others chirp back in turn, there are only 2 chirps now.

(Last cuddles, it had been a long time since he wanted to cuddle like this)

And Today (well technically yesterday), September 21st: Though I know my year started out pretty great and my life was looking up but this past month has changed all of that. 2018 has become the worst year I have ever experienced. I’ve cried so much and my heart is broken beyond repair. I will never feel my mother’s comforting touch or hear Monkey’s sweet little sleep talking again.

I am learning how to self comfort as this year has taught me that I can only truly rely on myself.

I was doing a lot better with everything  and thought I was finally getting over it but I seem to have fallen a few steps back over the past few days.

The feelings of not being good enough have started to slip back in making me question myself. I hate it. I see all the things I have accomplished these past few years and I know I should be proud but all I can do is question them. Are they really all that great?

I hate that the person I love most of all has caused me to feel this way, or at least planted the seed which sprouted. My best friend for the past 13 years, my partner for the past 11 years, my home. My trust is gone, in him and myself.

I put on a happy face and try to smile through it but today it has just been too hard. This morning my mother fell and I didn’t hear her crying out for me even though I was less that 50 feet away. I let her down when she needed me. Now she is hurt and I feel useless.

I’m going to end the emotional ranting there. I just needed to get it out. Better out than in right?

In other news...

The shop is doing ok and I love being able to express my creativity by sewing, fabric dyeing, and crocheting. I’ve met some amazing people because of it and cannot wait to see where it leads me. I’ve survived my first low season which was a big learning experience. I know some of it was due to what is going on in my personal life but I am working hard and it is paying off. It is an amazing feeling watching something you picture in your head come together and watching others enjoy it. I guess that is why I liked modding so much.