.| adam weaver |.

@megapcwerful

It was the first birthday he was going to spend without him - without his other half.

Weaver had been in New York for a couple of months now, and he hadn’t stopped to cry about missing home for even a single day. He was fine, he did the right choice. Except -- he was turning nineteen in a few minutes, and for the first time in his life, he wasn’t spending it with someone that he shared the date with. It had never been his birthday, his day, his celebration. It was always ours. 

Right now, Weaver was surrounded by strangers. People from his university, friends of friends, people that knew nothing about him. Kai knew him. He knew that Weaver absolutely hated having his photo taken, would know not to stop him every five minutes to pose for one. He knew that he absolutely hated balloons, like the ones hanging all around his dorm at the moment.

Kai would know how to ease him with just one look from across the room. He always had.

They were turning four, and they’d just learned that it could hurt if Kai grabbed Weaver’s arm the wrong way. It burned, but he could do weird things afterwards. He made Weaver laugh with tricks. They also learned not to do it in front of other people.

They were turning eight, and the bruises were becoming more common. So were the hiding spots. They learned not to be around the rest of the family for long period of times, especially not one without the other. The next summer, they decided to build a tree house.

They were turning eleven, and the stories about “The Merge” started being brought up more often during family dinners. It would be expected of them. That evening, Weaver stole all their favorite snacks from the kitchen cabinet and they spent the night laughing and watching old vhs movies they weren’t allowed to. Kai had just learned how to cast a semi decent silencing spell around them.

They were turning thirteen, and they spent that one crying. Their father didn’t tolerate any questioning.

They were turning sixteen, and that one was different, and yet it felt so natural. They spent the night drinking, and smiling, and kissing. Kissing and defying every expectation people could have of them. It felt world-changing. Kai tasted every bit of bittersweet Weaver could think of.

He was turning nineteen, and there was no them anymore. He didn’t know how Kai was doing. If he was happy, well fed, warm. If he was bleeding. He had no idea if Kai was even missing him.

Someone laughed loudly by his side. Someone passed him a cup full of a clear, cheap liquid. He drank, he smiled. He took another picture with someone he had no idea who it was. He accepted the cheers from everyone when the clocks turned midnight.

He didn’t think of him anymore for the whole night.

(except that he did. kai was everywhere - the ugly cushions he’d for sure hate, the loud music he’d complain about, the empty walls that had a similar pattern to that one kai had made fun of once, the damn porkrinds. the dizziness that weaver felt when he layed down hours later, the blood that he got on his finger while trying to slice a lime earlier, the pounding on his head the next morning, the scattered papers all around the floor. his face when he looked in the mirror.

          “     what  do  you  want  to  enjoy ?     “          even  if  he  asks ,  he  knows  weaver’s  answer  perfectly  before  he  even  replies.  the  answer  he  already  knows  could  sound  terrible  for  someone  who’s  not  them.  but  it’s  them ,  and  only  them.  in  their  room  alone.  no  one  else  can  hear  as  weaver  giggles  i  like  you  into  malachai’s  mouth ,  only  them.           “     yeah ?     “           he  doesn’t  really  know  how  to  react  to  this  —–  and  it’s  ridiculous ,  weaver  is  his  brother ,  of  course  they  like  each  other ,  but  he  just  ends  up  changing  the  topic,          “     i  would  say  next  time  don’t  leave  me  out  of  this ,  but  i  don’t  want  to  meet  your  friends.  just  cloak  their  weed  and  come  home.     “

" you, " it’s playful, easy-going, and weaver wants to treasure these moments with kai as much as he can. " want to enjoy you. " it’s not always like this, not with the house and family they have. he starts to kiss malachai’s neck when he notices the change in demeanor. he’s getting guarded again. “ are you sure? my friends can be fun. you could come with me next time. “ weaver is well aware that kai could make all the friends he wanted if his heart was into it - he’s charming and perceptive, he would know what to say to please other people. he just doesn’t want to, most of the time. a selfish part of weaver is glad. he gets to enjoy this soft, secret part of kai just for himself.

           ‘      thank  you.  and  i  won’t  kiss  you  again.  this ——-     ‘          she  looks  at  him  then  suddenly  at  the  floor ,          ‘     won’t  happen  again.  i  won’t  do  it  again  either.     ‘          she  sounds  so  sure ,  almost  like  she  knows  what  she  wants.  but  in  reality ,  she  has  no  idea.  walking  down  unfamiliar  corridors  she  didn’t  remember  walking  through ,  she  abruptly  stops  before  a  door  that’s  possibly  leading  to  theater ,  and  speaks  up  as  if  she’s  rehearsing  a  speech.          ‘     this  never  happened.  the  premiere  was  brilliant.  you’re  an  amazing  writer.  we  drank  champagne  at  midnight.     ‘

he walks by her side in silence, the taste of her lips still fresh, agonizingly fresh in his mind. carrie is right, of course, this just can’t happen again. he wants to, desperately so, but no matter how much he still likes this girl - it’s not mutual. maybe she’d missed him for a second there, they used to be good together, but her heart belongs to someone else. she has made that clear a number of times. they stop in front of a door and she starts talking again. he has so much to say. to ask. all words seem to be trapped in his throat, though. when they open this door they are gonna be back to reality, so weaver uses his last seconds of privacy. ‘ right. so, is this goodbye? ‘

          taken  aback  by  his  offer ,  she  furrows  her  brows  but  nods ,  and  mutters  a  barely  audible  thank  you.  it’s  weird ,  him  asking  her  to  go  study  at  his  new  place ,  but  it’s  kind.  it’s  weaver.  and  that’s  why  she  should  say  yes.           ‘     maybe.  maybe  we  should.     ‘           maybe  she  should  tell  him  about  damon.  maybe.  but  not  now ,  standing  in  the  middle  of  the  campus.          ‘     maybe  later ?     ‘

“ later, yeah. “ he smiles, but it doesn’t feel genuine. weaver watches as she looks like she’s ready to go, and suddenly touches her forearm. “ i don’t mean it like-- i know we aren’t-- “ he stutters, and then takes a deep breath. “ i know you got back with him, and i don’t plan on trying anything, elena. i honestly don’t. “ ( even if i want to. again. but i won’t put my heart through it once more. ) “ i just really miss you -- as a friend, -- and i’d hate to think that that is lost forever. " he didn’t mean to just vomit so many words at her, not right now, but something about seeing her leaving had felt wrong.

          she  was  really  hoping  this  would  be  it ,  that  weaver  would  let  her  drop  this  subject.  but  clearly ,  he  doesn’t.  her  master  plan  doesn’t  seem  to  work  when  he  asks  about  them.  and  if  she  was  panicking  before ,  now  she  is  ready  to  drop  dead  right  there  in  the  middle  of  weaver’s  childhood  bedroom.  not  just  friends.          ‘     no.  i  mean  yes.     ‘          a  complete  fool.  that’s  what  she  is  making  out  of  herself ,  and  she  hates  it.  she  hates  it  that  she  has  no  idea  what  to  answer  to  weaver ,  because  she  doesn’t  know  where  they  stand.  not  after  last  night.  not  with  her  boyfriend  back  home  in  mystic  falls.  but  she  forgets  about  her  own  problems  as  weaver  brings  up  the  funeral.          ‘     it  wasn’t  that  bad.  i  mean  your  dad  —–  he  kinda  was.  but  not  you.     ‘

he just watches her curiously for a second and then gets up, not caring to wrap the sheets around his waist. as weaver walks towards her, he feels an urge to kiss her again, to get that feeling of freedom from last night back. being with elena had been... more than what he imagined it would be. and he had imagined it quite a number of times. she looks flushed, and he considers it for a moment. maybe he should kiss her again. but not now. ‘ yeah, but i wasn’t much better. ‘ he grabs his boxers from her hands and walks past her to get a new t-shirt from his bag on the floor. ‘ i think we should head home, i really don’t want to look at anyone’s face this morning. ‘

          it’s  all  getting  too  much.  so  as  his  brother  pulls  back  he  feels  like  he  can  finally  breathe.  but  as  their  identical  eyes  meet ,  he  suddenly  realizes  the  reason  why  weaver  pulled  back.  he  siphoned  him  while  kissing.          ‘     shit.     ‘          he’s  hurt  him ,  sometimes  on  purpose ,  sometimes  not.  this  definitely  belongs  to  the  second  category.          ‘     the  magic —–  i  —  i  didn’t  mean  to.  i  was  just  so  overwhelmed  and  focused  and  —–  are  you  okay ?     ‘

          ‘     great!     ‘          she  doesn’t  know  what  to  say  anymore.  she  didn’t  even  know  her  dad   needed  someone  to  help  at  the  farm  in  the  first  place.  maybe  if  he  had  told  her ,  she  would’ve  helped  more  ( even  though  she  knows  she’s  not  the  best  daughter  when  it  comes  to  the  farm.  but  no  matter  how  much  she  wishes  she  could  be  far  away  from  here ,  she’s  still  here  for  her  dad ,  helping  him  whenever  she  can ) .  a  few  seconds  later  she  speaks  up  again ,  her  voice  is  nothing  like  it  was  before ;  only  slight  traces  of  her  frustration  can  be  found.          ‘     it’s  just  —-  dad  never  told  me  he  needed  someone  else ,  or  he  would  even  consider  hiring  someone.     ‘

the silence that follows his statement feels heavy, not like those times he’d spent listening to carrie’s heartbeat when they’d been done talking for the night. not like the six a.m. morning routine he had working on the farm, when most of the world was still asleep. he worries for a second if he was too rude, wondering if it would be best to just apologize. but she was rude to me first. when she speaks again, though, the softness on her voice reminds him of the scared confessions she’s shared with him. ‘ maybe it was because you don’t--- i mean, you don’t really like it here, do you? ‘ 

           ‘     and  you  never  asked !     ‘          but  honestly ,  that  wasn’t  the  reason  why  she  introduced  herself  to  weaver  as  carrie ,  and  only  carrie.  hanging  out  with  him  was  supposed  to  be  fun ,  nothing  serious.     (  except  for  when  she  told  him  about  her  dreams.  maybe  that  was  serious.  maybe.  )               ‘     why  did  dad  even  hire  you ?!     ‘          the  question  isn’t  even  really  directed  at  weaver ,  she’s  just  frustrated  with  this  situation.

and neither did you, weaver thinks. they had a silent agreement of keeping their relationship ( should he even think of it as a relationship? ) light and casual. now, five minutes into the day and he’s already annoyed at how complicated everything is turning out to be. weaver planned to try and make it easy on them after the initial shock of seeing carrie, but apparently she doesn’t think the same way. ‘ because i’m the best at what i do. that’s why he hired me. ‘

          ‘     no ,  i’m  ——     ‘           stopping  abruptly ,  she  doesn’t  finish  her  sentence ,  just  reaches  for  the  bottle  with  her  lips  pressed  tightly  together.  she  doesn’t  like  this.  handing  him  the  bottle ,  she  can’t  stay  quiet  any  longer.          ‘     did  you  know  about  this ?     ‘

‘ thanks. ‘ he grabs the bottle from her hands, finally facing the girl. he’s just promised to his boss that he’d talk his daughter into liking this work. it should be an easy task - weaver loves the farm and everything about it. he wouldn’t need to lie. except, this isn’t just any girl, this is carrie - the same one who confessed to him about her dream far-away-from-here career. he can’t do this to her. ‘ look, carrie, i--- i didn’t know, alright? i am just as surprised. you never gave me your last name. ‘

          once  her  dad  leaves  them  alone  —  to  get  to  work ,  that’s  why  he’s  apparently  here  —  and  she  doesn’t  have  to  pretend  anymore ,  she  doesn’t  know  whether  she  should  be  angry  or  happy.  so  she’s  both.          ‘    who  are  you ,  adam  weaver ?     ‘                 * /    for  @oftypewriter

          “     yeah , i –  uhh –  yeah.      “          comes  elena’s  not  so  convincing  reply.  if  it  wasn’t  for  weaver’s  sudden  entrance ,  she  would  have  spent  at  least  one  more  hour  here   (  her  shifts  at  the  make  up  store  leave  her  some  time  for  her  beloved  coffeeshop  and  maybe  for  writing  ) .  but  when  his  next  question  comes ,  she  can’t  stop  herself  from  responding  with  a  yes.          “     i’m  free  now.  i  mean ,  it’s  fine ,  some  other  time ,  too.     “          and  right  there ,  she  lost  all  her  control  over  what  was  coming  out  of  her  mouth ,  and  stopped  making  sense.  

“ oh--- i, um, “ he really wasn’t expecting that to be now. weaver thought he could at least gather up some courage before catching up with his ex-girlfriend again. he scratches the back of his head, thinking of what to say. “ i was just about to get coffee, but since you already had yours... “ he points towards the café in front of them “ maybe we could go to the park for a walk? or do you want another coffee? we used to drink a lot of it, “ he laughs awkwardly.

          he  knows  his  twin.  he  knows  by  the  way  he  whispers  babe  against  his  lips  how  he  means  it.  which  is  –  nothing  close  to  being  serious.  yet  –  if  he  was  one  of  those  lovesick  idiots ,  he  would  say  it’s  the  butterflies  –  it  does  something  to  him.  he  would  be  lying  if  he  said  it  didn’t.  but  as  weaver  is  pleading  for  his  attention ,  he  can’t  help ,  but  laugh  loudly  with  his  mouth  stuffed  completely  with  pork rinds.  not  bothering  to  swallow  them  all  he  answers  just  like  that ;          “     so  demanding ,  baby  brother.  but  fine.     “          he  throws  the  bag  away ,  out  of  his  reach.          “     you  have  my  undivided  attention  now.  be  careful  with  it.      “

“ um, i just think we should enjoy while everyone else is asleep, y'know? “ he finishes by pressing his lips to kai’s, not giving him any time to think too much about it. it feels good, kissing kai with no care in the world. weaver doesn’t get high that often, but when he does, he likes having someone to be there with him physically. he likes that this person is kai. “ i like you. “ he giggles into his brother’s mouth, not wanting to stop the feeling of kai’s lips on his.

          “     it’s  just  that  we  can’t  close  the  door ,  and  anyone  could  walk  in  anytime  and  find  us  here  —–  like  this.     “          eyes  moving  down  to  her  partly  covered  body ,  then  to  his.          “     and  we’re  not  —-     “          –  together –          “     and  they  think  we’re  just  friends  and  you’re  alone  in  here.     “          she’s  always  been  a  terrible  liar ,  and  by  now  weaver  probably  knows  this.  she  was  definitely  sneaking  out.  she  didn’t  expect  that  accompanying  her  roommate  to  his  brother’s  funeral  would  end  like  this.  with  her  standing  almost  completely  naked  in  his  childhood  bedroom ,  with  posters  of  musicians  staring  at  her  like  she’s  doing  something  shameful.           “     wait ,  is  that  an  avril  lavigne  poster ??     “          at  least ,  she  can  change  the  subject.

he watches her ramble, torn between being annoyed at her excuses, but also endeared. it seems as if he is always endeared by elena, no matter what happens. while she talks, he thinks over at his last night phone call with carrie, and realizes that maybe that is it. that spark, that warm feeling of being in love --- that’s not how he feels about carrie. he simply isn’t in love with her anymore, and hasn’t been for a while. and they think we’re just friends. he blushes and chooses to ignore her commentary about his old poster, choosing to adress the current matter of--- well, them. “ and we are not just friends, elena? “ 

almost  screaming  liar  at  his  brother ,  but  his  tears  stop  him  as  he  chokes  on  them.  he  was  left  alone.  in  a  house  full  of  people.  full  of  his  family  who  had  become  more  of  enemies  throughout  the  years.  and  without  weaver ,  it  was  only  him  against  them.  he  almost  won ,  though.  almost.          “     i  knew  you  would  run  away  sooner  or  later.  that’s  what  cowards  do.     “          not  like  he  didn’t.  just  not  from  weaver ,  but  from  his  own  feelings  that  had  been  suffocating  him  for  years.  he  can’t  escape  his  tears  now ,  not  like  all  those  years  ago  when  he  shut  weaver  out  so  easily.  and  now ,  he’s  just  shaking  his  head  at  his  brother’s  request.  the  knuckles  on  his  clenched  fists  turning  white ,  he  wishes  he  had  some  magic.  to  hurt  him.  to  make  him  feel  what  he  felt.  but  as  his  twin  steps  closer ,  and  leans  in  and  kisses  him ,  his  fists  don’t  loosen  up ,  and  they  don’t  move  from  his  sides.  for  a  few  seconds ,  he  lets  weaver  press  his  lips  against  his ,  allows  him  to  pretend  everything’s  alright.  but  after  that ,  his  hands  come  up  and  clutch  weaver’s  arms ,  siphoning  him.  and  just  like  that ,  he  disappears.

for a moment, the world around him just stops. warm, everything is warm and salty - tears. he presses his lips with careful ease against kai’s, and for a second, just a second, weaver thinks things are going to be okay again. things were never perfect for the two of them, not even when they were just a pair of kids learning about the world around them. not when they first discovered and accepted that their relationship wouldn’t ever be just platonic. surely not when weaver left to start a fresh, new life far away from their nightmare of a family. even then, there were moments where it was possible to just be, and those usually included kai’s lips on his while the rest of the world faded away. not perfect, but okay. it tasted like hope, somehow. now it was different - bitter, a little too late, tainted, - but still hope.

that is, until the known pain of having someone steal your magic came, and suddenly his brother wasn’t there anymore. of course, why would he stay? he thinks i’m a coward. weaver didn’t even bother calling for him, he was exhausted. kai would come back. he had to.

              in  one  second  weaver  turned  weird.  she  couldn’t  pinpoint  it  why  exactly  –  maybe  the  mention  of  his  stupid  habit  that  she  eventually  shared  with  him  –  but  it’s  become  evident  he’s  strange.  the  sudden  change  of  topic  just  supports  her  idea.  her  classes.  this  small  talk  reminded  her  of  the  times  they  started  living  together  as  roommates.  they  did  it ,  they  hated  each  other ,  they  loved  each  other ,  and  now  they’re  back  to  square  one ,  doing  the  small  talk  again.  and  she  hates  every  second  of  it.  probably  weaver  isn’t  the  only  one  being  strange.  god ,  elena  must  be  pretty  weird  too.  so  she  tries  her  best  to  answer  n o r m a l l y   (  is  she  being  as  weird  as  weaver ??  )          “     they’re   –   great.  writing  a  lot.  or  just  –  trying  to  write.     “          complaining  about  roommates  is  nothing  new  for  elena ,  but  she  didn’t  want  to  complain  to  weaver.  he  doesn’t  need  to  know  how  much  she  wants  those  times  back  when  they  were  arguing  where  their  border  was  and  where  elena  could  leave  her  clothes  or  weaver  his  books.

“ great, yeah. “ awkward. “ do you need a--- “ he stutters, and hates every second of it. he wants the ease that came along with talking to elena back. “ look, if you ever need a place to study, my place is nearby. it’s very quiet there. “ he isn’t sure why he is inviting elena to his apartment when they haven’t talked for so long -- especially because they didn’t exactly end things on a good note. but it’s elena. no matter how much it hurt watching her leave him, weaver can’t shake the feeling that he should still try. she wasn’t just a sort-of-girlfriend, she was his best friend. he still cares. “ and i think that maybe--- maybe we should talk? “

          fear  reflecting  in  her  blue  eyes ,  she’s  scared  of  what  this  means.  a  kiss at  midnight ,  alone  with  weaver  on  the  rooftop  of  the  theater.  she  doesn’t  know  it  yet ,  what  this  —–  what  he  means  for  her ,  but  she’s  scared.  even  of  her  own  feelings  for  him.  tugging  a  lonely  ringlet  behind  her  ear ,  she  looks  everywhere ,  but  at  him  as  she  replies  to  his  wish ,  a  little  differently  than  expected ,  ignoring  his  suggestion  to  leave  at  first.          “     you  can’t  kiss  me ,  weaver.  we’re  not  together  anymore  and  i  have  a  boyfriend  who  i  love.  you  just  can’t.     “          as  she  finishes ,  she  turns  around  –  not  waiting  for  his  reaction  –  heading  for  the  door  that  leads  back  to  the  theater.

even though she’d kissed him back for a second, weaver still felt guilty somehow. maybe he should’ve just left her alone. “ alright, let’s just... yeah. let’s go back there. “ he follows after her, looking at the city view one last time before reaching for the door.

               silence  remains  constant  as  kai  meticulously  clears  weaver’s  wounds ,  avoiding  eye  contact  all  along.  trying  to  be  as  gentle  as  possible   –   he  knows  how  it  feels  to  be  in  weaver’s  shoes  all  too  well.  when  he’s  done  with  the  clearing ,  he  reaches  for  the  plasters  he  brought  to  their  room  from  the  bathroom.  after  considering  where  to  put  them ,  he  starts  placing  them  on  his  twin’s  skin  one  by  one ,  revealing  how  much  his  hands  tremble.        he  ends  up  putting  way  too  many  plasters  on  his  brother ;  it’s  not  only  for  weaver’s  bruises ,  but  to  calm  kai  down.  then  he  breaks  the  silence ,  talking  not  only  to  weaver ,  but  to  himself  too.          “     you’re  gonna  be  okay.     “

the silence after kai had left the room felt loaded, but now that he is back weaver feels as if he can’t breathe. “ am i? “ he chuckles, and then bites his own tongue so hard that he can actually taste the blood. “ ‘cause it doesn’t really feel like it. “ weaver doesn’t know if he is talking about the fact that their father just beat him and he feels more hatred than he thought it was possible, or the fact that this was the second time he kissed his twin brother and felt as if that was the right thing to do. he watches as kai tends to his wounds in silence ----- the ones that were supposed to be his. “ what are we gonna do? “ he whispers, not knowing exactly what or who he is adressing.