ofspies:
despite everything that they had been through, despite the pain that they had caused one another, it was evident to cassian that jyn wanted this as desperately as he did. despite the resentment that she felt toward him and the fear that he would turn his back on her yet again, she was still here. admittedly, there wasnât anywhere for her to go, not really, but she could have stormed off to some far corner of the ship and spent the remainder of the flight secluded from him. she was still here, she was still fighting, so there was still a chance that this could work out. cassian felt his expression shift ever so slightly. there, upon his face, was that calculating look that heâd worn for the better part of his life. even before heâd had kaytoo around to calculate the odds of failure and risks, cassian had weighed his options. he took a breath, buying himself another moment before he answered. finally, cassian nodded. she was right, it was as simple as that. he couldnât deny it, couldnât pretend as though everything was normal, if they were to overcome this then cassian would have to speak the truth. âno,â he agreed, âwe donât talk.â they didnât touch and they didnât even look at one another they way that they used to. jyn was right, they were both far too careful around one another, afraid that they both might say something that would make the other run. she was right, he thought, he had been tiptoeing around her. cassian shook his head slightly, his gaze shifting away from her. âand what are we supposed to say? i left and you resent me for leaving. words canât change anything.â ultimately, it was up to jyn to decide whether or not to trust him. âi can promise you that i wonât leave again, but you wonât believe me.â a pause, a flash of desperation. âi donât know what to say.â he hissed at last. nothing would fix this, or so it seemed, so he kept her at a distance. at least this way, if she left, he would have already started to close himself off from her. maybe, heâd hoped, maybe it wouldnât be so bad.
such hopes, however, were foolish. cassian had not forgotten the way that his heart lurched when jyn turned away from him and he could feel his reaction when she whipped around to face him. confusion transformed to his spy face, and he tried to prepare himself for whatever words jyn would hurl at him.
but there was nothing. heâd expected that wild-eyed look to come with nasty words that sheâd never be able to take back, to come with a resolution to ditch him on fest, but sheâd done quite the opposite. as she spoke her truth, that she didnât want to leave, cassian felt himself relax ever so slightly. jynâs posture had shifted entirely. she appeared exhausted now, her back to the wall behind her, and at once he found himself worrying for her. frustrated and hurt and miserable as he was, he was still worried for jynâs wellbeing. cassian shifted forward in his seat, wanting to reach out to her or comfort her, but he thought better of it. â⌠you alright?â he asked quietly. this was not the time for such questions, he understood that. they were in the midst of an important discussion, but cassian needed to know that she was alright. as if sheâd tell him the truth. cassian very nearly laughed aloud. her stamina wasnât what it used to be, but he found himself wondering whether this was some resurgence of the virus or whether this was just exhaustion. even as she spoke, as she told him what she felt, his focus shifted only slightly. it was easier to deal with physical ailments, he was accustomed to dealing with illness and injury, but words were so much harder. especially when they brought pain. when jyn told him that she was scared, that she didnât trust him to stay by her side, cassian felt hurt radiating from his chest outward. he sighed softly, trying to retrain his attention. she needed him to say something, to say the right words, but he wasnât sure what those words were. âi wonât leave,â he murmured, but he knew those words were lost on her. âi didnât want to leave the first time, jyn. but iâŚâ whatever his reason, promise or not, he knew that it wouldnât excuse him. âiâm trying to make this right, iâm bringing you back to fest, but i donât know else what to do.â cassian confessed. "iâm trying.â but trying simply wasnât enough. âwhat do you need?â
the door was right there. it was right next to her, within grabbing distance. it would be so easy for jyn to reach over, pull the handle, and let herself out of the small cockpit that seemed to be closing in on her every second. it would be so easy just to leave, to find a dark part of the ship and curl up in a ball, to try and forget about everything that had happened. it would be so damn easy to keep pushing cassian away because itâs what she always did. itâs all she knew how to do. instead of moving, however, her feet stayed cemented in the ground. her instincts screamed at her to flee, but she held her ground and looked up at him blearily. it didnât look as if cassian was going to get up soon, and she felt as if all of her energy had been drained out of her. perhaps it was better if they maintained a distance between them, even if it hurt. but as soon as that thought entered her mind, jyn shook her head to rid herself of it. that wasnât what she wanted. not anymore. once she regained her strength, she was going to make a move toward him once againââor, at least, convince him to come closer to her. if they were going to fix this, then there could be nothing between them any longer, literally or figuratively. when she spoke again, voice cutting through the silence that they left each other sitting in, she had to choose her words carefully. âi believe you when you say you wonât leave me,â she replied slowly, carefully, trying to maintain eye contact so he would know that she was serious about this. âitâs hard, but iââyouâve came back for me so many times and i know. . .â she let out a heavy breath, resisting the urge to scrunch up her face and give up, to let frustration get the best of her like it always seemed to do. but cassian, and maintaining her relationship, was worth far more to her than a little discomfort. if she could have him back, sheâd do anything. âi know that you only left because i asked you to. and that you wonât do it again. itâs justââah. the wound of you leaving still hurts. i just keep seeing it over and over and i. . .â she shrugged a shoulder helplessly, not knowing what else to do. she needed to be truthful if she expected the same from him. ânow i know what it feels like to be left by you.âÂ
with anyone else, she would have left already. she hoped that he knew that, because she didnât think she could say it out loud.
when he asked if she was all right, jyn almost laughed. no, she was the farthest thing from all right, though she didnât want him to know that. it wasnât the virus coming back, but sheer exhaustion. the disease had left her weak and vulnerable, and she wasnât fully recovered from it, mentally or physically. not to mention that the brutal training sessions she had be putting her body through had to only be hindering her progress, but she couldnât bear to be how she was anymore. to look how she did, all skin and bones and sharp angles. the words were on the tip of her tongue, âiâm fine,â but something else came out entirely. âno,â she blurted out. âiâm not all right, cass, iâââ she wrung her hands out, over and over, looking at him as distress flashed over her face. âi miss you.â her voice cracked at the last note, and she hated herself for how weak she had become around him.âyou must think so little of me, pushing you away but wanting you all the same, i. . .â it was hard to describe what she was feeling right now. her brain was a mess of emotions, all jumbled and broken and messy, but the outlying thought that came shining through was her affection for him. âi know you wonât leave and that youâre trying and itâsââitâs good, cassian. sâwhat i need you to do. i just needââtime, i think. i need you by my side throughout all of this.â if he was going to leave again, to distance himself from her in an attempt to give her space, she didnât think that she would be able to take it. surely that would break whatever was left of their relationship if he guessed at what was right for her when it truly was the opposite. however, there was still a thought bugging her in the back of her mind. she clenched her jaw, looking up at him. all this time, the conversation had been about her, but she had hurt him too. in bringing up his promise, in asking him to leave. clearly, cassian had seen better days. âwhat do you need from me?â she asked quietly, blinking up at him once again. the room was silent except for the humming of the ship underneath her, and her voice sounded foreign and strange in the quiet air. âi know i hurt you. this canât be soââone-sided. i know you care and kriff, i appreciate it, but i care about you too.â and if there was anything she could do to make this right, she needed him to tell her what it was. âplease. if thereâs anything i can do to make it right, iâll do it, cass. just tell me.âÂ














